Headlines

Crazy Sweet!

2012-01-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

Twinkies maker Hostess seeks bankruptcy protection

They need protection from fat bastards. They are going broke keeping fat people from beating down the gates and doors. Fat bastards are like zombies when they get their minds fixed on food.

Ten Commandments

2011-09-23T16:31:00.004-04:00

1. Syrian woman 'dies in detention'

Syrian Breakfast Club more tragic than comic.

2. U.S. border police shoot man wielding replica pistol

At least one remembered the Alamo.

3. Iran asks Russia about building more nuke reactors

After awkward segway at UN bar.

4. Abbas speech lifts Palestinian spirits

ABBA's songs do even more.

5. Court throws out potash price-fixing lawsuit

No way to hold trial with such a funny name.

6. Marsalis says he and Clapton share blues roots

Clapton: anyone want to play the blues with me...anyone?

7. FACT CHECK: Slippery assertions in GOP debate

Hard to pay attention when competing with gay bashing and fear mongering.

8. Bristol CEO says "pure pharma" strategy paying off

And by Pharma he means bullshit.

9. Two Winthrop fishermen stranded in fog

Even fishermen are getting soft.

10. Belichick Disappointed By Early-Season Injuries

Will be more taciturn as a result.

12 Angry Headlines

2011-09-23T14:06:00.005-04:00

1. Slippery assertions in GOP debate
Prompting Yankee owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

2. Prosecutors show crime scene photos as Knox trial resumes
Footprints outside the window clearly made with socks

3. Netflix’s week goes from bad to worse
According to one subscriber who began a succession of streams that began with "Dr. No" and ended with "Octopussy"

4. NBA postpones camps, cancels 43 preseason games
Players, the vast majority of whom have never camped, far more bothered by the latter

5. Analysts downgrade Pepsi, cite North America sales
Consumers denigrate Pepsi, cite taste

6. Texas Instruments completes $6.5B buy of National
All mid-size or larger car rentals to have overhead video monitor system offering Pickaxe Pete.

7. Island nation to get its energy purely from coconuts and sunlight
According to new president, The Professor

8. Panel to probe possible boxing fix for 2012 Games
Time-honored pastime of boxing match fixing one step closer to becoming Olympic sport

9. Kobe gets $6.7 million offer to play in Italy

3 year old gets offer of $1 to play quietly in another room

10. Peacock and Morse lead Nats to sweep of Phillies
Manager, Mr. Body, later found murdered in a dugout with a baseball bat

11. Obese now outnumber hungry, says Red Cross

Small band of slavering, eager looking fatties still a concern for worried, rapidly depleting group of the non-fat, non-hungry.

12. Study finds bed bug pesticides making some people sick

Having not considered the eventuality in advance, researcher now shocked at the suggestion of any concern over sleeping repeatedly on a layer of poison.

Fi'teen

2011-04-10T11:08:00.001-04:00

1. Concessions and Tension, Then a Deal
And another customer relents and forks over seven bucks for nachos at the ball park.

2. Spraying to Make Yards Green ... but With Paint, Not Water
Had 18 year-old Gibbons somehow become a homeowner

2. Seattle Ponders (Some More) the Wisdom of Replacing a Roadway
City council recalls troubles in the sixties that resulted in expressway that routes 'round concrete-clad rabbit hole.

3. Deal leaves liberals disheartened (Politico)
Like most deals offered liberals these days, it resembles deal offered Lando Calrissian.

4. Bob Dylan Brings His Anti-War Classics To Vietnam
Dylan one step from marooned Japanese soldiers as depicted in Gilligan's Island.

5. Judge Blocks Deal Lifting Protections For Wolves
Those in MN not aware that there was, nor had ever been, anything working in favor of 'Wolves. But there, too, goes it.

6. Death Toll Rises To 5 In Hawaii Fireworks Bunker Blast
Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, alas, looking at a transgression this time that all the soapy dishwater in the world cannot wash away.

7. Which Children Should Get New Jersey's Funding?
Modeled after neighbor Delaware's Bill (never introduced) requiring witch children to get funding.

8. Mayor: Half of Iowa town damaged by tornado
Church flattened, pull-tab bar still standing. That's not hard math.

9. Turkey condemns 'disproportionate' IDF violence in Gaza
Punctuates remarks with a particularly emphatic "Gobbledy-GOO!"

10. Sidney Lumet: Last of the Great Movie Moralists
Everything since then just Will Ferrell and flying cows.

11. Divided Poland recalls air crash
Polish still stymied, confused, and in disaccord after failing to find debris following "warm air/cold air collision"

12. Gulf pressure on Yemen's leader
As amazing son of a bitch attempts world record at freediving

13. Landmarks From Two Decades of Study
Time for "career student" to clear out the empties.

14. More Unrest in Syria Wounds 5
Frustration mounts in poorly-named band as they see their less talented counterparts, Maroon 5, relish in stardom.

15 Rory McIlroy Holds Biggest Masters Lead Since 1997
All just a prelude, however, to M-Club's "Masters" tournament, pinnacle of the sportsworld's year.

Fo teen

2011-03-08T14:40:00.004-05:00

1. Chirac corruption trial suspended

For hijinks by rabbit plaintiff.

2. APNewsBreak: Notre Dame to ban hydraulic lifts (AP)

In effort to curb obesity, elevators now only for show.

3. US 'heartland' near historic shift from Midwest

Coastal elites welcome new members of out of touch America.

4. Genesis vocalist Phil Collins announces retirement

Headline written in 1992 finally comes to light.

Rest of Genesis stunned to learned he was still part of Genesis.

5. 'Illiterate' Australian boy sues state

Sadly, has no idea what it means.

6. Correction: Winter Weather

Previous headline: Summer Weather unusually cold, snowy.

7. Southeastern States Mired in the 'Diabetes Belt': CDC Report

Pants too big for actual belt.

8. Happiest in Hawaii: Aloha State Tops Well-Being List

Happiness correlates directly with need to scrape ice from windshields.

9. Six injured Wizards shut it down for rest of season

Another hard fought Quidditch season takes its toll.

10. Nato: Libya using human shield s

+1 AC, -10 CH.

11. Accused "Grim Sleeper" suspected in more deaths

Most victims recent immigrants working at regional garden supplier.

12. Romney still up in New Hampshire; Trump a wild card

Romney on vacation, Trump one crazy mother fucker.

13. Overall Health May Be Key to Beating Breast Cancer

Fewer and fewer advantages to being fat/lazy every day.

14. Skin cancer triples among young British people

Centuries old cycle of pastiness almost broken.

Sometimes 6 is enough - shut the fuck up Dick Van Patten

2011-02-08T12:20:00.003-05:00

1. Huge protest rejects Mubarak move

Egyptian chess aficionados push the limits in this otherwise staid sport.

2. Tibetan Lama Faces Scrutiny and Suspicion in India

Untipped caddies raising a stink.

3. That's the ticket: GOP loves look of VP field (Politico)

Everyone willing to play straight man to crazy.

4. U.S. fast food caught in immigration crosshairs

New concerns over what else is in Taco Bell's 'beef'.

5. Ford recalls new Explorers for seat problem

Not wide enough for obese drivers.

6. Van Halen's guitar given to Smithsonian museum

Been sitting unused after Eddie switched to piano.

Ten, Motherfucker!

2011-01-05T23:29:00.002-05:00

500 seamen stranded in icebound Russian ships
500 ccs, that is

Taking the House, Republicans to Probe Democrat Policies
, Pages

Explosion kills one at Tennessee ammunition plant
Ammunition plants even more dangerous than the ones with the hippie spores in "This Side of Paradise"

In North Korea talks, U.S. wants end to provocations
Says new US ambassador Leon Spinks, who actually thinks the word means something entirely different

Quinoa's popularity boon to Bolivians
Total drag to junk food-craving husbands of liberal wives

"Dangerous" beetle found at Los Angeles airport
Someone told Paul McCartney he can't release yet another mix of "Let it Be

Relieve Student Loan Burden With Public Service
Student On Way to Talk to Loan Officer Sets Down Burden, Relives Self Publicly

Religion News in Brief
And under robe

AT&T LTE Smartphone Can Dock To Become a Laptop
For those who are finding today's laptops too convenient, readable.

How Fast You Walk May Predict How Long You'll Live
Or how soon you need to pee

An embarrassment of riches...

2011-01-01T00:01:00.001-05:00

1. Thai red-shirts storm TV station
Like most red shirts, repelled easily, and their deaths were barely noticed.
2. Kyrgyzstan holds day of mourning
Mourning their loss of vowels.
3. Fashion's latest fixation: 3D
Nearly flat, super skinny models to be replaced with actual people.
4. Obama, world leaders work to stop nuclear spread (AP)
Can't believe it's not butter.
5. Investigators say no problems with Polish plane (AP)
Other than it's in about 1000 pieces.
6. A woman uses a Krankcycle
Hoping to loosen up her inner krank.
7. More than 20,000 watch as Texas Stadium dynamited
All of them trapped inside.
8. Rivals ready to pounce on out-of-form Nadal
What happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room.
9. Ancient Pre-Human Skeleton May Contain Shrunken Brain
Providing direct link with modern conservatives.
10. New species of giant lizard found in Philippines
Headed north to destroy Tokyo.
11. Cyclone kills 89 people in eastern India (AP)
Jeff Hornacek not adapting well to life in retirement.
12.Congress looks into smokeless tobacco in baseball
Congress: yep, it's disgusting.
13. NASA still struggling with stuck valve in space
Likely solution involves piece of metal. Not sure of its timely availability.
14. Private Moon Bases a Hot Idea for Space Pioneer
Today's space pioneer is tomorrow's super villain.
15. Red shirts take over "richest part" of Bangkok
Oriental city.
16. Rescuer says God led him to Fla. girl in swamp
Girl also claims god's role in determining her location in swamp. Spokesman for god not returning calls or e-mails.
17. Drawing Power from Dutch Coastal Dikes
Don't think they won't put up a fight.
18. Obama: W.Va. miners died in pursuit of better life
A route to China.
19. Center-Right Victory in Hungary Could Mean Big Changes
But only for Hungarians
20. More medical tests are planned for Bret Michaels
Attempt to explain impulse to write crappy songs goes on.
21. Watching R-Rated Movies May Lead to Early Alcohol Use
Among other things.
22. More U.S. Women May Be Obese Than Thought
Making 'No Fat Chicks' paraphernalia more and more counterproductive.
23. Our Universe Was Born in a Black Hole, Theory Says
"So was your mama!' replies anonymous gentleman in the back.
24. Senators see privacy problem in Facebook expansion (AP)
The Facebook.
25. Wal-Mart to limit toxic cadmium in kids' products
Ending years of touting it.
26. India government wins confidence vote easily
Now likely overconfident.
27. Greek parliament backs hefty cuts
Not so Greek chorus - "Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!"
28. Oops, wrong house: Workmen dig up trees, then flee
This week on "The Arborists".
29. Germany veteran Butt gets World Cup call-up
German mooning team set to regain lost glory.
30. UK Parliament opens with ritual and change
Somebody had to go back to Trafalgar Square to get a shit load of dimes.
31. Calif. mother finds abducted daughter on Facebook
Petulant daughter refuses to 'friend' her.
32. Final: South Africa 1, Mexico 1
Years of anticipation wasted as the FIFA World Cup kicks off in a way only it can.
33. Miley Cyrus: 'I'm not trying to be slutty' (AP)
It's everything I can do to overcome my freakish teeth.
34. 6-story Jesus statue in Ohio struck by lightning
And he thought crucifixion was painful.
35. Casey's General Stores 4Q net income up 41 pct
Questionable hot dogs slowly rotating in the window look damn tasty in a deep recession.
36. Petraeus slumps at Senate hearing, jet-lag blamed
Really just sick of talking to these assholes.
37. What's the Most Dangerous Move in Karate?
Not the foot sweep.
38. Many Retailers Report Sluggish Sales in June
Disgruntled teens forced to work summer jobs seen as likely culprit.
39. Duck boat passenger: Barge collision 'surreal'
Barge captain had the elongated head of a goat.
40. U.S.-Russia may seek spy swap to free agents
Russians hoping to lure Lebron to basketball mad Novosibirsk.
41. Human genome: the hunt continues for 'malicious proteins'
While humanity in general searches for delicious proteins.
42. French team performs face transplant with eyelids
Lucky recipient more likely to lose staring contests.
43. Viagra-popping seniors lead the pack for STDs
Thoughts of Viagra popping seniors with STDs doing wonders to control sexual activity of youth.
44. Many Docs Deliver Cancer Diagnosis Badly: Study
Recommend less reliance on the phrase, 'you're hosed'.
45. Low-Income Children Not Getting Adequate Dental Care
Or pretty much anything else.
46. First lady, MLB team up against childhood obesity (AP)
MLB in denial about adult obesity.
47. School cafeterias to try psychology in lunch line
Pretty sure previous use of reverse psychology counts as psychology.
48. Study: Legalizing pot won't hinder Mexican cartels
May make more people care less.
49. Helen Thomas on being anti-Semitic: 'Baloney!'
Plans new brand of Kosher baloney.
50. Jordan Valley joins list of peace obstacles
List now officially includes even the scenery.
51.Wladimir Klitschko to fight Dereck Chisora
In late night Prague bar fight.
52. About 150 Kurds go on trial in Turkey
Implicated in altercation with one Miss Muffet.
53. Insider: Justin Bieber Was "Harassed" at Laser Tag Fight
Laser Tag fails to achieve long sought respect, even with help of popular celebrity.
54. Rep: Celine Dion hospitalized as precaution
Doctors hoping to prevent release of next album.
55. Many obese people see no need to lose weight
Simply not worth the effort.

56. S African poultry makers 'racist'

Sell only white meat.

Back to Ten

2010-03-16T18:36:00.002-04:00

1. Expect huge TV audiences for Woods' Masters return (AP)
Most hoping some of Tiger's mistresses will be caddying.
2. New Private Space Freighter Has Solid Backing
Recently completed Kessel Run in record time.
3. Zuma in Zimbabwe to ease splits
Zima in dorms may lead to splits.
4. Canadian MPs accuse Toyota of sitting on info
Toyota official just trying to make himself look taller.
5. Girlfriend of Michael Douglas' son sentenced in NY
Headline breaks record for justifying existence through association.
6. Armstrong, Contador to race in Criterium
Cycling novices wondering if that's some sort of steel cage.
7. Shark conservation proposal defeated at UN meeting
Proponents really regretting not bringing the sharks.
8. How a Corrupt Lehman Nearly Hoodwinked Washington
Nearly?
9. Video Games May Hinder Learning for Boys
Complex button combos not found to have practical use elsewhere in life.
10. Meeting on deforestation boosts morale, budget
For bastards.

Pick up six

2010-02-24T12:53:00.003-05:00

1. Nigeria deputy remains in charge
Charles Mbeki Utombo seized power nearly a week ago.
2. Turkey officers in 'coup' charges
Turkeys recently seen muscling in on chicken territory.
3. Jayson Williams gets 5 years in fatal NJ shooting
Anticipating starting spot on prison hoops team.
4.Sheen takes break from 'Two and a Half Men'
Two and a Half Men continues years long break from comedy.
5. Caravaggio stands alone in new Rome exhibit
Giving him just enough time for a silent fart.
6. Quietly, Mercury moves up in fuel economy
Getting more miles out of winged feet per draught of ambrosia.
7. Elusive Dark Matter May Be Hidden on Earth
In my pants.

a quickie

2010-01-26T13:48:00.002-05:00

1. Ethiopia plan "flew wrong way"
Down
2. Iraq crime lab bomber kills many
Cuts down on research time
3. China renames 'Avatar' mountain in honor of the film
Tiniest mountain in the world, at 75 x 75 pixels
4. Willpower and the 'Slacker' Brain
Mostly related to its ability to stay away from weed

9 for 10

2010-01-23T11:08:00.003-05:00

1. Japan 'kingpin' quizzed on funding
Later, dressed in diaper, made to suckle from giant teat while simultaneously mocked and bombarded with giant pacifiers by audience. His failure was a disgrace to his ancestors.
2.Donation of Spears' dress OK for Haiti relief
Considering use as makeshift tent.
3. Blind skier included in strong Canadian team
Lack of sight opened up additional opportunities for working out.
4.Bruce Hornsby Musical Will Premiere in Virginia in January 2011
Features small cameo by The Range.
5. High-tech first: Astronauts finally get Internet access
Nights no longer as lonely.
6. Airliner forced to land after colliding with bird
Bird also forced to land.
7. Earth Not Properly Protected from Asteroids
Aging Bruce Willis no longer up to the task.
8. Video Gaming Just Might Fight Aging
In Grand Theft Auto:Bishop's Buffet.
9. Experts: Sitting too much could be deadly
Leaves sitter easy target for surprise arrow attack.

10 for 10

2010-01-11T16:27:00.003-05:00

1. McGwire Says He Used Steroids
Before announcement at press conference.
2. Republicans cite Lott in calling for Reid to quit (AP)
Demand his wife be turned to salt.
3. Sarah Palin takes Fox News commentator job (AP)
No qualifications needed.
4. Sex robot focuses on appealing to the mind (AP)
Will disappoint likely customers.
5. Judge has questions in gay marriage trial in CA
"Could you two make out?"
6. Union praises pilots who landed crippled jet in NJ
Passengers wishing it had been NYC.
7. Yemeni radical cleric warns of foreign occupation
Of his beard.

8. McCain awarded 'Hero of Georgia' order
Apparently, South will not even raise its arms again.
9. Toxic metal found in kids' jewelry very dangerous
Definition of toxic now clear.
10. Indoor Allergies Common in Winter
Closed doors, windows seen as likely cause.

Back from the Dead-lines

2009-12-17T23:02:00.002-05:00

1. 'Fried Egg' of Azores could be impact crater from space.
In the unlikely event humanity has been wrong to this point and familiar white and yellow thing represents not a component of a protein-rich breakfast but, instead, a hole in the ground.

2. Muslims Say FBI Tactics Sow Anger, Fear
FBI to Muslims: Join the Fucking Club

3. Brain Damage Found in Hockey Player
Only one hockey player examined, to date.

4. At Mine's Bottom, Hints of Dark Matter.
At Mike's Bottom, Also Hints of Dark Matter.

5. Health Care Bill in balance without Nelson's vote
Nelson not voting at all. Waiting to see if it doesn't pass before issuing solitary, echo-y "HA-ha!"

6. Vegas CityCenter: Seen Through the Eyes of One Worker
That worker: RoboCop

7. Hi-Tech Dreams Dissipate for Furniture Workers
As "Magic-Finger" Hotel Bed Market Goes the Way of the Wainwrights

8. PGA Comissioner: Tour Will Survive Tiger's Absence.
He thought they were talking about a real tiger.

Ten Headlines a Hatchin'

2009-12-17T16:33:00.002-05:00

1. Court blocks BA Christmas strike
Hannibal, Murdock, Face still set to walk off.
2. French launch major Afghan attack
First non-surrender in 175 years.
3. NFL to ask its players to donate brains for study
Zombies unexpectedly gain majority stake in football league.
4. Even after death, Roberts' hand to be felt at ORU
As part of creepy prank by various frat houses.
5. The five legal cases that defined the year in music
The only 'music' heard was the cha-ching of billable hours.
6. Surprising Truths About Santa's Reindeer
Actually genetically modified elves.
7. STDs Common Among Sexually Active Teen Girls in Cities
Unsurprisingly uncommon among inactive girls in country.
8. Israel: First Jesus-era house found in Nazareth
Much shittier than mangers of same era.
9. Storm-walloped East Coast returns to work — slowly
Storm better excuse than reality of office party hangover.
10. Loophole lets mentally ill Texas juveniles go free
Normally Texas requires all to be executed.

Detenber

2009-12-02T14:49:00.003-05:00

1. Taliban vow to fight US troop surge
Obama: "DAMN IT!"
2. Experts: Man controlled robotic hand with thoughts
Expect hand to gain sentience/self-control any day now.
3. Warrant: Blood found in Yale murder suspect's home
Originally thought it was Cherry Pie.
4. Argentine leaders throw chairs, punches in public
Regret decision to allow WWE party into power-sharing government.
5. NY couple charged with forcing woman into sex work
Cite experience in Montessori schools as partial defense.
6. Senate battles over elderly health benefits
Aging senators only looking out for themselves.
7. Appalachia, Southeast Hit Hardest by Obesity and Diabetes
Former Confederacy dealt another blow in attempt to rise again.
8. Amazon searched for cancer cures
Free Super Saver shipping for cures over $25.
9. Bangladeshi conjoined twins successfully …
In first of its kind operation.
10. Clubbing Navy Seals
Generally found to be ineffective stopping elite fighting force.

Novemberten

2009-11-07T11:05:00.000-05:00

No more farm animals, Clooney says
Star to attempt dating human females, “I am going to just try it out”

Why the Droid won't save Motorola
Droids are easily captured and rendered inoperable, except for R2 units

Can scientists make a space elevator?
Yes.

Horses help heal heroes
And can drag them to safety due to extremely long genitalia

Bread-toting bird stalls atom-smasher
Keeps stealing fermions and bosons for nesting material

Climate pact ready by 2010?
El Nino to have showdown with The Doldrums; much will be decided

Palin plans low profile in Wisconsin
Muted, earth-tone foundation, single-twist pony tail, loose fitting pant with long-sleeve blouse, chest-flattening bodice, no earrings, and pair of slightly used tennis shoes

Landing a job like getting into Harvard
Except for the getting paid part.

Stolen '65 VW van found after 35 years
Case of Schlitz and two Queen albums still in useable condition

Going to the office in Second Life
Details of punishment deemed too harsh.

11 for 11

2009-10-22T15:39:00.002-04:00

1. Clashes at BBC HQ before broadcast
Various foppish Brits chortling and slapping one another surprised by ferocious soccer hooligan attack.
2. Ethiopia asks for urgent food aid
Burundi, never willing to miss an opportunity, suggests willingness to accept only beef, if other foodstuffs scarce.
3. Prosecutor: Beaten homeless men were `easy prey'
Lacking doors to close and lock behind them.
4. Charles Taylor 'duped' by Nigeria
Local man caught in scheme involving African royalty. Swears off internet/email forever.
5. Kurds Are Threat to Minorities, Rights Group Says
No position on whey/tuffets.
6. Rio wants to work with spurned Chinalco: chief
Enokchuck: Apache Chief
7. EU objects to Oracle's takeover of Sun
Cites Simpsons/Highlander 2 as examples of likely outcomes.
8.China sends panda expert to Taiwan to aid breeding
Keeps his black and white suit packed at all times.
9. Astronics earnings rise on lower costs
Getting their asses free these days.
10. Scientists Grow New Penile Tissue in the Lab
Or maybe it just looks like more.
11.Early Use of NSAIDs Might Prevent Alzheimer's
Early use of N'Sync may cause it.

Dusting off another ten

2009-10-13T11:12:00.003-04:00

1. Autopsy: Boyzone singer died of natural causes
Shame, as a result of being in a band called Boyzone.
2. FBI delves into DMV photos in search for fugitives
Amazed/alarmed at the general state of ugliness, discontent among drivers.
3. Arizona sweat lodge where 2 died lacked permit
Citizen of CF, Iowa previously unaware of sweating permit requirements, panics.
4. Romanian government falls in confidence vote
Citizens unconvinced present ruling party able to deal with vampire threat.
5. Baucus: 'Time to get the job done' on health care
Sick and tired of being the guy holding things up.
6. What is Olympia Snowe thinking?
"Do I look fat in this pantsuit?"
7. Southcarolina
South, unable to muster strength to even capitalize, resolves to rise later.
8. Are obese people less likely to commit suicide?
Simply too much effort to even bother.
9. Women's Empowerment: 'Men Are Interested'
Whatever it takes to get more head.
10. Robotic prostate surgery may mean big trade-off
Possible surgical complications versus coolness of robotic prostate.

2009-09-29T22:58:00.002-04:00

1. UK PM delivers major party speech
"Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until WE decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? HELL, NO!!!"
2. Toyota to recall 3.8M vehicles over floor mats
Allowing for easier access to the floor mats.
3. Biden commemorates Violence Against Women Act
Smackdown done by Apache Chief on Giganta and Cheeta perhaps only act of violence against women worth commemorating.
4. McCain tries to kill additional C-17 cargo jets
Hopefully this turns out better for him than the last time he took on jets
5. Obama's Olympic pitch draws GOP complaints
Can't possibly be worse than his All-Star pitch
6. Hitler's Skull? Test Casts Doubt On Soviet Artifact
Damned Soviets learned NOTHING by watching Indiana Jones
7. Bachmann is 'Miss November' in conservative calendar
Collective shudder from left 80% of US populace registers on USGS seismographs.
8. For cities, recession offers time to think long-term
For if selling off parkland to increase tax base is not a plan with long-term ramifications, I don't know what is

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2009-09-01T21:41:00.003-04:00

1. Union Head Teaches Don Shelby About Local Food
Floats over to farmers' market, then gets in argument with itself.

2. Former Gopher Spreads Love Of The Game
Apparently died with smile on its face

3. Target Co. Crisis Center Watches For Disaster
That mysterious changing of red carts into blue

4. `Wizards of Waverly Place' big hit for Disney (AP)
Despite inability to make 4-Cheese Pizza disappear

5. Pinochet purges arrests ordered
Thus ending 36-year Mypos reign of terror

6. Crews 'hopeful' over LA wildfire
Headed straight for the soundstage for "Two and a Half Men"

7. Blaze Threatens Historic Observatory
Former American Gladiator, Down on His Luck, Back to Harrassing Those Guys Who Made Him Feel So Stupid in High School.

8. Contractors Outnumber U.S. Troops in Afghanistan
American Bases Now Fortified with Drywall, Vapor Barrier, and 30-Year Roof.

Tentacular

2009-09-01T10:06:00.003-04:00

1. Poland remembers World War start
Nothing to do but watch Russia attempt to reinforce its western border while making a vain attempt to secure basing rights in northern China, all the while fearing the hammer strike that will be Germany's first turn.
2. Fiji suspended from Commonwealth
British subjects now pastier than ever.
3. Texas billionaire accused of fraud has heart test
Doctor's skeptical of finding one.
4. Ukraine, Russia PMs resolve gas dispute: Tymoshenko
Tymoshenko - smelt it, likely dealt it.
5. US fares poorly in child welfare survey
'Family values' chest thumping having no effect.
6. Ousted Ill. governor explains himself in new book
Entire first chapter devoted to phonetic spelling of name.
7. Rockies acquire righty Contreras from White Sox
And lefty contrarian from Red Sox.
8. No Bolt-Gay showdown at Van Damme Memorial
No comment required.
9. Virus blamed for half of penile cancers
Virus scapegoated to cover up years of excessive masturbation.
10. Scenic trips to see waterfalls, foliage in NC
Watch out for banjo prodigies.

a triumphant return

2009-08-24T23:17:00.002-04:00

1. Worker accused of assault at 50 Cent's Conn. home (AP)
It's contagious

2. VH1 cancels reality shows with dead murder suspect (AP)
After airing a few low-rated episodes in which he was simply lying there, decaying

3. Apple-shaped women risk asthma
May benefit from core training

4. China’s Drive to Go Solar Outshines U.S. Efforts
To rest panels comfortably atop solid layers of smog

5. Kenya begins contentious census
Spares no expenses

6. A fight of Mythical proportions
Tone-Loc vs. New Kids on the Block

7. Plumber of souls
The first apostle, had Jesus met Peter in Fond du Lac, WI rather than Galilee

Seis

2009-06-23T17:07:00.002-04:00

1. Spitzer Telescope Warms Up to Its New Mission
Watching the frequently nude woman in the apartment across the street.
2. AP source: Bucks to send Jefferson to Spurs
Moving on up,
3. Columns of troops pour into China's restive west
Blue player left 12 armies in Afghanistan at end of previous turn.
4. Children's book aims to explain the meaning of God
And that he poops.
5. British scientists claim to create human sperm
Lonely nights in the lab not wasted thanks to internet.
6. How Global Catastrophe Could Make Us Smarter
Gene pool enhanced by deaths of those too stupid to survive.

Jackson Five

2009-06-15T13:33:00.003-04:00

1. Debate Rages Over Moon Water
Among drunks at Smokey's Tavern.
2. Police: 8 officers hurt in Laker victory melees
5 hurt by Lamar Odom alone.
3. Once he was lost, but now is found
Sadly, still blind.
4. UK lawmakers jostle for Speaker's chair
Several started even before the music stopped.
5. Dad's Genes May Play Greater Role Than Thought
Mom's jeans got the ball rolling however.
6. Sarkozy jeered at Bongo's funeral
Several guests threw feces, swung from chandeliers.

Creaky 7

2009-05-01T15:08:00.003-04:00

1. Florida woman rescues good ol' boys from gators
General Lee due for a tune up.
or
Bo and Luke's eyesight not what it used to be.

2. Space Station Headed for Population Explosion
Only female astronaut really wishes there was more to do in space...at this hour...
3. Bermuda takes 4 Uighur detainees from Gitmo
Few others eager to take Uighurs.
4. Anne Frank museum to display her actual diaries
Modern teens unable to relate do to lack of emoticons, humor prompts.
5.Rear-facing seats safer for bigger kids too: study
Not sibling's rears.
6.Longer is better for treating prostate cancer
Physician's fingers.
7. Iowa woman's photo sparks push for new cloud type
State touts new reason to return to Iowa.

Ta ta ta Ten

2009-04-07T12:46:00.002-04:00

1. BBC apologizes over jokes about jockey's teeth
National pot calling the kettle black.
2. Tribune could have gotten $45M in Wrigley deal
Possibly even Doublemint Twins.
3. Quarter of companies globally set to freeze pay: survey
Planning on thawing it when it's worth more.
4. Pakistan talks of 'gap' with US as envoys visit
T. Mace, recently approved by Senate, faces first tough test.
5. Australian library finds copy of Schindler's list
Bob Schindler's list of best butts at Woomoolooroo High School.
6. Sitting Down With Miley Cyrus
Watch out for her teeth.
7. In double transplant, left hand works first
Masturbation will have to wait, or be awkward.
8. Obesity may raise risk of restless legs syndrome
Despite general lack of movement.
9. Colon Screenings Don't Follow Guidelines, Study Suggests
"What! Get out of there!"
10. Confessions of a Fat Fingered Airline Fare Analyst
Features large number of inadvertent keyboard clicks.

Ten in Trying Times

2009-03-24T12:56:00.003-04:00

1. Geithner seeks new powers over financial companies
Can't decide between Jedi or Superman.
2. Treasury Chief Seeks Wider Power to Seize Troubled Firms
Brings in Justice League, too big too fail no problem for Apache Chief.
3. Obama leaves White House for European meetings
Leaves iron plugged in, door unlocked.
4. Democrats Unveil Ambitious Global Warming Bill
Republicans unveil actual plans to warm the globe.
5. Lemon cola becomes holy water in baptism
Of jism.
6. 8 accused of stealing pot, guns from Miss. police
Miss. police too stoned to care.
7. Police: Dad killed kids, relatives, then himself
Finally achieving some peace and quiet.
8. `Real Housewives' countess separates from count
Now just ess.
9. Gang of Juvenile Dinosaurs Discovered
Hanging out at the BrontoBurger.
10. School PE Programs Don't Lower Child Obesity
Not enough time allotted for the 10,000 jumping jacks required to burn off today's lunch.

Ten over time

2009-03-04T08:28:00.002-05:00

1. Steele: Limbaugh fracas a 'sideshow distraction'
Republican party now more like clown car than actual circus.
2. Suspects Questioned in Pakistani Cricket Shooting
"Damn thing wouldn't stop CHIRPING!"
3. Clinton: Israeli home demolitions 'unhelpful'
Though site of naked man sitting on toilet in rubble hilarious.
4. Altimeter 'had role' in air crash
Showed clearly when the plane hit the ground.
5. Ukrainian security agents raid Naftogaz offices
Looking for Nazgul.
6. Singer Phil Collins finds new passion in the Alamo
Searching undeterred for its basement.
7. Sudan leader: No international court can touch me
Has no hopes of even short-lived musical career.
8. Bush says it's 'essential' to help Obama
Should have thought of that before he fucked everything up.
9. Rights group: 1,000 seized in Gambian witch hunt
Gambian university major rival of Hogworts.
10. Drunken mayhem mars St. Patrick's in Ireland
In other news, sun rises, sky blue.

Eight is never enough

2009-03-03T15:46:00.002-05:00

1. Obama puts Bush species rule on hold
Hoping to keep Bush's from breeding.
2. Engineer invited teen to operate locomotive
Hoping to stoke his coal box.
3. Officials cite broad power for president in memos
These memos, written in early days of Clinton administration, were looking to expand the executive branch's power over 'broads'.
4. Ring exposes rift in 'right-to-die' movement
Actually an elaborate plot to rule them all.
5. Wall Street shows modest moves a day after tumble
Not trying to regain respect all at once.
6. Fidel Castro: 2 leaders undone by 'honey of power'
Ending Cuban association with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo. Should have seen this coming.
7. Mass. man fined for Chuck E. Cheese mascot assault
Extremely low quality of pizza sent man over the edge.
8. Kids Prefer Veggies With Cool Names
Flavored like chicken nuggets.

Niner

2009-02-27T14:44:00.003-05:00

1. Cypriots and U.N. soldiers in asparagus standoff
Fragrant urine a dead giveaway.
2. Grand Canyon celebrates 90th year as national park
Can barely remember previous 10 million years as simple canyon.
3. After White House, Bushes get bumpy start in private life
Doing even less apparently also hard work.
4. Dog, missing 9 years, returned to family in Ky.
Despite unwavering loyalty, secretly disappointed to be back with hillbillies.
5. 13,000-year-old tools unearthed at Colorado home
Home improvements remain incomplete.
6. Moon and Venus Converge Friday Night
World to end with nary a whimper.
7. Odd Life Found in Great Lakes
Mostly residents of Wisconsin.
8.Ryanair could make passengers pay for toilets
Passengers to begin urinating in place - be sure to check for wet spots.
9. Pensacola celebrates 450th birthday
Several original founders still live there.

Not so lucky 7

2009-02-19T20:34:00.002-05:00

1. Obama treads lightly in meeting with Canada's PM
Canadians not used to being so close to black people.
2. Wis. Msgr. Dolan welcomed as NY's next archbishop
Sacramental wine to be replaced with beer, host with cheese curds.
3. Billionaire in fraud case always saw bright future
Especially for himself.
4. Ticketmaster to change online sales system
Each new page to include separate fee.
5. Americans watch yet more TV, Nielsen reports
TIVO makes dream of watching more than 24 hours in one day possible.
6. House Democrats Release Omnibus Spending Measure
Hoping to get all Americans on the Omnibus!
7. New Butterfly Discovered with Mustache Disguise
Not fooling anyone.

10101010101010101010101010

2009-02-17T11:36:00.002-05:00

1. Darfur rebel group signs accord
Government representative drives off in it.
2. Police: Rap producer injured in Ariz. hotel fight
Aging rappers no longer have the aim they used to.
3. Fallen oil prices a chink in Sarah Palin's armor
Regardless of origin, doesn't like chinks.
4. Swedish crime writer finds fame after death
Struggled his entire life to come up with plots in crime free Sweden.
5. WOMAN QUESTIONS BELIEF THAT THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
First trip outside of KS a real eye-opener.
6. Peanut product recalls
Pretty much every comic released after 1975.
7. Defense in Politkovskaya trial alleges fabrication
No way that's a real name.
8. FAA says Texas fireball was meteor, not a UFO
After deciding 'swamp gas' excuse was not appropriate to TX.
9. Report Urges Broader Effort to Stem Emotional Disorders in Youth
Entreaties to 'grow up' seen as only marginally effective.
10. GOP tries to restore image of fiscal discipline
Objective hurt by wads of cash sticking out of pants pockets.

6 6 6

2009-02-06T16:13:00.002-05:00

1. Nazi find sheds light on Egypt's sensitive past
Massive evidence of excavation, inexplicable large number of snakes.
2. Hudson pilot talks of 'disbelief'
Waterloo closer than he thought.
3. Bush overpaid banks in bailout, watchdog says
Sadly, not McGruff.
4. New round of Confederate disputes hits statehouses
South raises head slightly, decides it's still not time to rise again.
5. Thousands seeking 500 jobs at new NC water park
Disgruntled adults to replace disgruntled teens at the top of the waterslide.
6. Women's low sex drive tied to poor quality of life
Possibly poor quality of sex.

Tentational

2009-01-30T13:06:00.002-05:00

1. GOP chairman race goes to second vote
Plurality of voters voted for cardboard Ronald Reagan.
2. Obama touts middle-class task force lead by Biden
Knows better than to taunt them.
3. Rush Limbaugh challenging notion of new politics
Entire existence requires that things remain unchanged.
4. Singer Amy Winehouse's home in London burglarized
Most likely by Winehouse herself.
5. When you watch these ads, the ads check you out
So says Yakov Smirnoff recreating Soviet era comedy routines nightly in Branson MO.
6. AP Exclusive: Bad peanuts found before outbreak
Sitting in cupboard since that party in '98.
7. Obama calls for prompt action on stimulus
Last night, in bed.
8. Ailing Castro throws first punch at Obama
Which younger, agile Obama avoids with ease.
9. Liberals rebound in Quebec
Need to work on passing, shooting.
10. Springsteen promises hot halftime show
Portly saxophone player to wear only thong.

2009-01-29T14:03:00.002-05:00

1. Iraq Won’t Grant Blackwater a License
Ominous request for "License to Kill" brazen, even for them.
2. Georgian Leader Faces Calls to Quit
Jefferson Davis Hogg, after decades of corruption and scheming.

3. Well: A Conversation About Prostate Cancer
Well, well, well! It's about time we had this talk!

4. Iraqi Candidates Hit Old-Fashioned Campaign Trail
Waving out of the backs of cabooses, speaking - inexplicably - from town square gazeebos in Small Town USA

5. Will The Super Bowl Stay 'Super'?
Only, if we can somehow, against all odds, encourage Sting to put his artistic integrity on the shelf for just one night to put together a special performance for the event.

6. Blagojevich Confronts His Senate Accusers
Asks what it'll cost to aquit him

7. Fed Could Buy Up Long-Term Treasury Bonds
US government, facing economic meltdown, invests entire stimulous package in what their financial advisor suggests is the "safest investment option"

8. More Bad News Brewing At Starbucks
Yeah, I'll take a tall one of those, with half-skim, skip the foam.

9. Peanut plant problem forces fresh recall
- "Problem" happens to be terrible, towering, 200' "Mr. Peanut," who is holding plant workers hostage, simply demanding "all peanuts"
- (alternate headline) New, sentient, robotic packagers make catastrophic erroneous assumption when working "salted nuts" line.

10. Turkish prime minister walks off stage over Gaza
Following real zinger. "Thanks, folks!"

11. East Africa: Burundi's Niyonzima Beats Other Contestants to Miss East Africa Title
For the Miss East Africa Title was buried in a 300 lb. pile of Grade-A, Certified Angus Beef

FasTEN your seat belts

2009-01-27T17:38:00.002-05:00

1. Rock fans head to Iowa to recall day music died
When classic rock and country finished their conquest of radio.
2. Rare 1,800-year-old figurine found in Jerusalem
Early Kickin' Ass Jesus posable action figure.
3. Gene Roddenberry, wife to spend eternity in space
Hoping to return someday in cosmic cloud called "vee-ger".
4. Sept. 11 a factor in Fla. terror retrial
Vacationing Rudy Giuliani keeps wandering by open courtroom door muttering to himself.
5. Hoobastank Rocks 'For(N)ever'
Likely to still be congratulating one another regarding 'clever' title weeks from now.
6. FDA inspectors found many problems at peanut plant
Monocle in need of new prescription.
7. Blowfish poisoning sends 7 to hospital in Japan
Concert tour finds Hootie lonely.
8. Obesity Caught Like Common Cold
"Get away from me fatty!" no longer seen as rude.
9. Female Companionship Extends Sex Lives of Male Mice
Short legs, lack of opposable thumbs limits mice masturbation to limber youth.
10. Aerobic, resistance best exercises for elderly
Multiplication tables, penmanship seen as less valuable.

All I got

2009-01-21T09:11:00.003-05:00

1. Two Burmese survive month at sea in an ice box
Whereabouts of third man remain unknown. Survivors surprisingly plump after ordeal.
2. Left engine of US Airways jet still missing in NYC
Last seen drunk near Times Square.
3. Wall Street points to moderately higher opening
That window on the second floor.
4. Obama freezes salaries of some White House aides
"What! You never mentioned that before!" screamed an incredulous Rahm Emmanuel.
5. Elusive search for Kruger crocodile die-off baffles scientists
The ghost of Steve Irwin wreaks his horrible revenge.
6. Like never before, inauguration experienced online
In window, next to larger windows of porn, fantasy football, Facebook.
7. Bollywood meets Kung Fu
Gets its ass kicked.
8. NYC interactive visitor center unveiled
Heavily accented and abrupt woman sitting behind a table covered in brochures. Willing to answer many questions, just don't push her.

Ten again

2009-01-15T21:47:00.003-05:00

1. Bush defends tumultuous terms in farewell speech
Entire broadcast devoted to the words 'newkular' and 'Ahmadidnajod'.
2. Birds in Both Engines May Have Brought Down Jet
Apparently not better than either two in bush OR one in hand.
3. New light on Mars methane mystery
Rovers powered by 'cheesaritos'.
4. Citibank wins judgment against Ed McMahon
Giant checks no longer honored at most branches.
5. Titans coordinator Schwartz to coach 0-16 Lions
Childhood dream of large salary/low expectations achieved.
6. NASA to fly unmanned drone for science research
Entirely missing the point.
7. Bitter cold hits hard because of economic meltdown
Fewer 'benjamins' to burn for warmth.
8. Victoria Cross awarded to Australian soldier
Was hoping for Victoria Beckham.
9. Review: Blockbuster's $99 video box disappoints
Only plays Big Momma's House 2.
10. Bush: 'This is a moment of hope'
Hope we never elect anyone as shitty as you again.

Friendship...More?!?

2009-01-15T13:32:00.002-05:00

1. Insurer UnitedHealth To Pay $350M For Settlement
Far more willing to pay for settlements than dental implants, apparently.
2. Thais 'leave boat people to die'
Boat people, with rudderbutts and clumsy oar-arms, had deck stacked against them from start.
3. Czechs apologise over toilet image in spoof EU artwork
T-Clog yet to apologise for multiple college-era toilet images due to his inexlicable "open door policy"
4. Homeland Security nominee pledges improvements
Home improvements. Mask ripped off to reveal none other than former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.
5. Bush highlights foreign policy record as term ends
Using infamous "black sharpie hilighter"
6. Salmonella Outbreak Leads To Peanut Butter Recall
At least one Minnesotan willing to take his chances.
7. Sen. Dodd: Bailout Money Must Go To Specifics
Indie band from Connecticut trying to raise money for a used van
8. Obama's Inaugural Speech, Crafted By Predecessors
Plans to deliver Gettysburg Address. Hopes no one will notice.
9. Chinese Electric Car Jolts The Competition
Literally. Would have come in handy during drag race scene in Grease.
10. Ex-Cop Charged With Murder In Transit Shooting
The original "ex-cop who doesn't play by the rules"

Gary Seven

2009-01-14T14:43:00.002-05:00

1. Lilly Said to Be Near $1.4 Billion U.S. Settlement on Drug
Which stunted growth of young Eddie's fangs
2. The Caucus: Shinseki’s Second Act
Recent order of "several hundred thousand" pancakes at Dennys leaves many feeling a bit dillillusioned.
3. White House: Audiotape shows bin Laden is isolated
Beyond reach of digital recording technology.
4. Agriculture Dept. nominee to push food for poor
Through drive-through wnidow at McDonalds, after he gets rejected
5. Unemployed Without Benefits: A Couple's Struggle
Unemployed With Benefits: A Couple's Dream
6. Obama-Mania Hits D.C.
Rampant looting, fines for being white that Palin rally-goers feared.
7. Blackstone Executive Is Charged
Woman actually sawed in half

Ocht

2009-01-13T14:41:00.003-05:00

1. Clinton vows smart mix of diplomacy, defense
Smooth talking, condoms. Not that Clinton.
2. Israeli envoy plans 'decisive' talks in Egypt
With the waiter, about getting the reuben.
3. Russian gas to Europe 'blocked'
Despite years of disuse, Flatulent Curtain holds strong.
4. Stanford creates 100 mln dlr energy research center
Tight budget does not allow waste, even in regards to the alphabet.
5. Bureaucrat's cooking trip sparks outcry
Burundi ambassador visits Steak and Shake, skips the shake.
6. Bush says he leaves with `good, solid record'
Early educational failure leaves Bush lacking clear understanding of 'good'.
7. Not just a dream: Obama sparks black men to action
Fox News headline sparks terror in hearts of racist America.
8. Obama team urges delay in digital TV transition
Months on the campaign trail leaves them standing stunned with their rabbit ears.

Zeiben

2009-01-12T00:51:00.001-05:00

1. Obama names special watchdog for federal spending
The always vigilant McGruff.
2. Hundreds of Coal Ash Dumps Lack Regulation
To say nothing of Dave Asche dumps.
3. Lisa Marie Presley defends Scientology
Adding to an already large list of crackpot celebrities speaking out.
4. Seal turns hatchery into all-you-can-eat buffet
Heidi Klum not pleased.
5. Bush defends presidency in final news conference
Reminiscent of Xvarts defending their village.
6. Waves hinder search for 250 from Indonesian ferry
With Katrina out of the picture they remain uncontrollable.
7. Fla. sheriff seeks portly 'ninja' in theft attempt
Stealth comes mainly from near total lack of movement.

He's Alive!!!

2009-01-09T13:56:00.002-05:00

1. Google search finds missing child
Yahoo! programmers a bit stymied at how to top this one
2. Advanced Placement Italian Test to End
Italy gives up on hope of any high-achievers among its youth
3. Saving a Squirrel by Eating One
Jethro Clampett logic
4. Palm Unveils iPhone Competitor
What is unveiled by palm, in fact, rivals any form of entertainment known to mankind
5. Court will hear reverse discrimination case
Lawyer for black man denied employment will sound like the Swedish Chef
6. Obama's first gift as president to be crystal bowl
Hearing what's inside the box not quite right, Obama laughs maniacally and rushes off to isolate self in foreboding, turreted tower.
7. Obama: Some ambassador nominees will be political
Others to be weather, sports related.
8. Palin: Is Kennedy getting 'kid glove' treatment?
Former 'pit bull' whining like a toy spaniel

8 for 9

2009-01-05T12:46:00.002-05:00

1. Scribner to publish first lady Laura Bush's memoir
Bartleby breaks long standing tradition of sloth, assumes it won't be that much work.
2. Bush to establish 3 marine monuments in Pacific
Actually envisions Iwo Jima flag raising, rather than aquatic places.
3. Cruise says church helped him overcome dyslexia
Scientology doesn't recognizing 'being an asshole' as a disease, leaves him afflicted.
4. Relative unknown to take lead in BBC's 'Dr Who'
No effect on generally unknown Dr Who.
5. Mexican warlock predicts US troops on border
Conjures mostly burritos.
6. Study: Hawaii's pygmy killer whales stay close
Actually not pygmy, and not that close.
7. Ancient Fossil Suggests Origin of Cheetahs
Sheds no light on origins of Cheetohs.
8. Fathering sons or daughters may be in men's genes
As opposed to....

13 out of the darkness

2008-12-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

1. Bush's Iraq-Afghan farewell tour marred by dissent
Like latest Eagle's farewell, though not regarding ticket prices.
2. US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico
Heckuva job Brownie.
3. Rice: Bush approach best to achieve Mideast peace
Doing nothing and hoping for the best involves least amount of effort, occasionally succeeds.
4. Cruise says he regrets 'glib' outburst on 'Today'
Ripped thin veil that hides his insanity.
5. Scientist says he has found oldest spider web
Hasn't vacuumed since winning the Nobel Prize in 1956.
6. Obama left with little time to curb global warming
Dick Cheney runs out the clock with four corners of the globe offense.
7. Few real mysteries found in Minn. Senate ballots
One marked ballot appears to be the silhouette of Jesus.
8. Gun clubs tout safety record after boy's Uzi death
First 8 year old to kill themself with an automatic weapon since 1982.
9.Family: Shoe thrower hates both US, Iran role
We are all shoe throwers now.
10. Israel frees 224 Palestinians, including groom
Worst wedding reception ever.
11. Peru seizes 3 tons of cocaine mixed with guano
That's good shit.
12. Pelosi sees about $600 bln for stimulus
Plans to purchase world's most expensive vibrator.
13. New Food Pyramid Is Aimed at Kids
3 pointed object seen as more dangerous than Jarts.

Five alive

2008-12-04T06:50:00.001-05:00

1. Rice satisfied with Pakistan's anti-terror stance
Legs, shoulder width, arms crossed menacingly.
2. What will Arnold Schwarzenegger's next role be?
A weary world years for Kindergarten Cop II.
3. NY Public Library displays rare Rowling book
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sucrets
4. Don Cornelius enters not guilty plea
Implicated in Bumble death with brother Yukon.
5. Exercise Eases Obesity and Anger in Kids
Too exhausted to even yell.

Tom Turkey Ten

2008-11-26T12:30:00.000-05:00

1. Obama picks graybeards as wartime Cabinet
Specifically Gandalf Greybeard, who despite his inscrutable reluctance to use magic in battle, gives a rousing pep talk to nervous troops.
2. SUV hits kids outside suburban Los Angeles school
Driver proves masculinity, has no regrets.
3. Brazil tries to rush aid to flood victims
Trips over Paraguay.
4. Boy George 'beat escort after sexual advances spurned': court
Escort to never live Boy George beating down.
5. Madonna's brother steps behind camera
Takes another picture of Madonna.
6. LEARNING TO TURN DOWN DATES IS A CRITICAL LESSON FOR GIRLS
Crushing the hopes of boys critical skill in later life.
7. How Long Is Too Long?
This long.
8. Quinn done for season with broken finger
Letting down long line of mighty forebears.
9. HD or Standard Def? One in Five HDTV Owners Don't Know the Difference
Continue to get dental care from that 5th dentist.
10. Facebook Wins Spam Suit
Refuses to wear it.

9 luft balloons

2008-11-19T11:17:00.000-05:00

1. Holder Seen as Obama Choice for Justice Post
Beholder considered for job guarding federal reserve.
2. Al-Qaida No. 2 insults Obama with racial epithet
Besmirching otherwise winning personality with bigotry.
3. Saudi owners 'talking to pirates'
Confusing meaning of International Talk LIKE a Pirate Day.
4. NASA tests "deep space Internet"
Secretly searching for holy grail of alien pornography.
5. Scientists find new penguin, extinct for 500 years
Begs to differ.
6. Bush reopens renovated American history museum
Features images of Ronald Reagan crossing the Delaware, inventing the light bulb.
7. Our Ancestors Had Floppy, Flexible Feet
Had very homoerotic interactions, particularly when fishing and on grueling expeditions.
8. Broad drilling ban to stand
Mugs and palookas will need to seek sexual gratification elsewhere.
9. Robots May Come to Aging Boomers' Rescue
May enslave them.

8 1/2

2008-11-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

1. Somali pirates seize supertanker loaded with crude
Mostly back issues of Hustler.
or
Revealing Water World to be eerily prescient.

2. French 'virgin' ruling reversed
Based on implausibility of French virgin.
3. Forecasters: tough road ahead for the economy
Weather forecasters, just catching up.
4. W. Virginia town shrugs at poorest health ranking
Barely lifting shoulders at all in an effort to conserve precious energy.
5. Copy of famed Lincoln letter turns up in Dallas
On grassy knoll, riddled with bullets.
6. City dwellers learn ropes of rural life
Hilarity ensues.
7. Libya's Gaddafi speaks to Bush
Confirming spelling of name.
8. Wide-hipped fossil changes picture of Homo erectus
Explains why he was so erectus.

Thirdteen

2008-11-14T13:49:00.001-05:00

1. Inmate escapes German jail by mailing himself out in a box -
Warden gives grudging praise for his ability to somehow seal with packing tape.

2. Obama Met With Clinton to Discuss Possible Role
That of a Harpy in new Obama's new blackploitation update to "Clash of the Titans"

3. Motherlode: Does Rewarding Children Backfire?
Yes, if you reward them with real magic wands

4. Obama-McCain: New meeting set to bury campaign ax
If McCain weilds ax like he holds microphone, he'll need vertical slab of wood in which to bury it.

5. Officials: Sen. Clinton eyed as secretary of state
Bill, behind the scenes, urging renewed diplomatic efforts with Sweden

6. New Outlook After Obama's Win
If new, crappy version of Microsoft Outlook had come out BEFORE Obama's win, it may have been the only thing that could have derailed his internet-based campaign.

7. Who Murdered China's Emperor 100 Years Ago?
John McCain

8. Hedge Fund Managers Favor More Transparency
As opposed to John McCain's presidential campaign, which was favoring more transparencies

(sorry...getting on John McCain roll again...)

9. Heart test 'cannot predict risk'
But can 'allow sneak peek of your boobs'

10. Sun Micro to cut up to 6,000 jobs
The tech equivalent of disbanding the Iraqi National Army and sending them home with their guns

11. France in denial?
No, France in deSeine!

12. 'Hoop’ Wins Bike-Rack Design Contest
Is there anything this mysterious, urban, basketball-flinging superhero can't do?

13. Space Plumbers Ready for Shuttle Launching
Oh yeah! (thanks, folks! I'll be here all week)

Assinine

2008-11-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

1. Palin says woman on ticket would be good for GOP
Amnesia has wiped out memory of last 12 weeks.
2. A's acquire Holliday from Colorado
Arbor Day.
3. Lohan refers to Obama as `first colored president'
Colored, by god.
4. Police: No evidence of murder on British island
Calling in Hercule Poirot.
5. Cheney, Biden to meet privately at VP residence
Biden emerges strangely hunched, with menacing gravely voice.
6. 18 killed in toy-related incidents
Can't blame Jarts this time.
7. Ice, snow make travel treacherous on Plains
Long for days of rain, even Spain.
8. Brisk Walk Can Curb Chocolate Cravings
Especially if taken with bag of M&M's.
9. Helicopters Collect Whale Snot from Blowholes
In latest incarnation of extreme science.

The Nine

2008-11-10T15:13:00.000-05:00

1. Obama arrives for White House tour, talk with Bush
First destination on tour - spot where Bush hides from Cheney.
2. Circuit City files for bankruptcy protection
May have built this City on rock and roll rather than sound financial decisions.
3. Antimatter Eludes Search Efforts
Unexpectedly disappears whenever scientists get close.
4. Study: Wider cholesterol drug use may save lives
May increase likelihood of choking.
5. Obama victory opens door to new black identity
Namely, as 'the man'.
6. Gene Simmons rushes to cash in on rock videogames
Continuing decades long tradition of KISS members whoring themselves out to anyone with spare change.
7. French scientists discover new species of gecko
Has developed puzzling affinity for auto insurance.
8. Smoking Coupled With Obesity Raises Death Risk
Perhaps lessening 'cool' factor.
9. Palin: GOP ticket was too ‘status quo’
Insufficiently mavericky despite unprecedented use of the word.

1 for all time

2008-11-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

OBAMA WINS
No joke.

Hopeful Two

2008-11-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

1. McCain casts ballot in Phoenix, gives thumbs-up
Proving, finally, that all McCain's actions are followed by thumbs up.
2. Obama and McCain vote, prepare their final pitch
McCain likely to throw underhand.

Electorate

2008-11-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

1. Obama, McCain battle across campaign's closing day
The electoral equivalent of Godzilla versus Mothra.
2.Def Jam exec dies from self-inflicted gunshot
Company policy to be expanded beyond 'Don't shoot others.'
3. Supreme Court hears case over American Indian land
Washington DC once home to Potomac Indians.
4. World closely watching US presidential elections
Considering kicking us out of UN if we fuck it up again.
5. Palin falls prey to Canadian pranksters
Canada's long land border with Alaska proves no help in preparing her for dealings with cheeky Canadians, despite claims to the contrary.
6. Paleontologists sift Utah soil for plant fossils
Likely to find shit buried during recent hiking trip.
7. Falls Are Leading Cause of Injury to Seniors
Participation in Mixed Martial Arts surprisingly high.
8. US military: 40 tons of Afghan dope destroyed
Bummer dude!

Pontific Eight

2008-10-31T10:37:00.000-04:00

1. AP poll: 1 in 7 voters still persuadable
Only requires a 'lifetime supply' of something to change their vote.
2. Beaten down, American consumers burrow deeper
Hoping to wake from hibernation in a better economic environment.
3. Rare, prehistoric-age reptile found in New Zealand
Huge fire-breathing fiend discovered by dwarves digging too deep.
4. Joe the Plumber hires Nashville publicity team
Hoping to squeeze 16 or 17 minutes out of fame.
5. Suspicion falls on dairy farmer in Ill. murders
Townspeople shocked by udder tragedy.
6. Man refuses to pay after sharing food at buffet
This shortly after visiting Colts training camp.
7. Analysis: Bush foreign-policy goals largely unmet
Only 'Start Wars' check box filled.
8. Extremely Rare Leopard Photographed
Def Leppard, at late season state fair.

Lucky 13 for Halloween

2008-10-29T15:15:00.000-04:00

1. AP Poll: Obama leads or tied in 8 crucial states
Non-crucial states set to sulk on election day.
2. Stocks fluctuate after Fed rate cut
Before rate cut, during rate cut.
3. World Series may resume tonight after 2-day delay
Nothing in life is certain.
4. Hospital says Ballesteros 'evolving favorably'
Just recently past gill stage, occasionally walking on two legs.
5. Actress' death center stage at Spector retrial
Successfully fulfilling purpose of trial.
6. Experts: Plot detracts from race progress in South
Rednecks plotting to kill black people not good for racial harmony.
7. Doorknobs and TV remotes are germ hotbeds
Occasional source of inadvertent conception.
8. Harper to unveil new cabinet, Flaherty to stay
Always looking for storage ideas.
9. Words of Steel: Best-selling author starting blog
Expected to be popular, still suck.
10. Bruce Springsteen scraps Halloween display
To stand outside flexing biceps instead.
11. Brain Zap Improves Dexterity
Requires access to level 12 spells.
12. The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure
Explaining my consistent 120/80.
13. Depression often untreated in black heart patients
According to Dr. Joan Jett.

Al All-McCain 20!!

2008-10-28T15:43:00.000-04:00

A very mean-spirited 20, be forewarned. But I've been very civil over the past few months. I really need to relieve some tension.

1. McCain Says Alaska Senator Should Resign
Thinks Alaska should re-sign him for another 4-year contrcat

2. Obama's childhood home in Indonesia up for sale
New McCain ad tries to tie it to foreclosure crisis

3. McCain says pundits being fooled, promises victory
Offering sneak peak into final week strategy of new campaign manager, Patrick Ewing.

4. Experienced warrior John McCain focuses on hostile forces abroad
Campaign staff backs away slowly while McCain slogs through another one of his PTSD episodes

5. As Detroit Teeters Near Bankruptcy, John McCain Says Automakers Should Wait for Additional Government Help
During John McCain administration's budget freeze, money to be obtained from same Leprauchan that provides funding for Sarah Palin's "special needs kids"

6. John McCain Winning Votes At Penn Hills Car Wash
(rejoinder not necessary)

7. John McCain coming to Defiance
Soon to follow, anger. Then, hopefully, acceptance.

8. John McCain not worried — he's 'doing fine'
Insists that the fundamentals of his campaign are strong

9. John McCain's pep talk is drowned out by recriminations over campaign
Well, better than, I suppose, than "racist invectives from the crowd"

10. Some Say Blame John McCain Not Sarah Palin for the Campaign's Struggles
Among them, Sarah Palin, "going rogue" at one of her own rallies.

11. John McCain's mother campaigns in Naples
Italy. Only slightly more senile than the candidate, himself.

12. John McCain Capitalizes on Joe the Plumber
A euphamism for "jizzes all over"

13. McCain, Obama compete for Pa. votes
So far, McCain only assured of grandPa. votes

14. Iraq Aside, Nominees Have Like Views on Use of Force
Useful in tossing aside battle droids. Slippery slope when you begin choking those who "fail you"

15. Why John McCain Continues to Trail Barack Obama in Pennsylvania
They agreed to "settle it on the court"

16. Bush looks to lift Republican morale
McCain campaign immediately recants "promise of victory" (headline #3)

17. McCain Asserts Independence From Bush
Palin asserts independence form Union

18. John McCain's brother apologizes for calling 911 about traffic jam
Unfortunately, does it (once again) on 911

19. JOE THE PLUMBER ENDORSES MCCAIN
Adding to impressive "list" of recent endorsements lately, including Al Queda

20. Time running out for McCain in race
As in, "among us in the human..."

thanks, folks!!!

Vassal eight

2008-10-20T15:57:00.000-04:00

1. Jerry Jones: Pacman has entered alcohol treatment
Difficult times for the Jones family.
2. Bush, Bernanke open to new stimulus package
Not to mention some package stimulus.
3. Feeling financial squeeze, VCs curtail investments
30 years on, time still tough for Vietcong.
4. Strange Weather on Alien Planets Explained
Filling another chunk of the 24 hour schedule on The Weather Channel.
5. Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants
Claimed to be hot, hungry, subsequently fell to the ground writhing, nursing unexpected knee injury..
6. Amid meltdown, cities slash sports, health, cops
Setting up boom times for fit criminals.
7. Scouts to get advice on safe sex
A groaning Earth hopes lesson learned better than that of fire making.
8. Sony delays videogame over offensive music
A critique never employed during the 1980's.

Fine Nine

2008-10-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

1.Retail sales plunge 1.2 percent in September
Consumers report spending $98.80 on groceries instead of usual $100.
2. Bush, Paulson say economy's rebound will take time
Analogy referencing game of One Bounce missed by most.
3. Researchers expect hackers to prey on cell phones
Expect devout to pray on cell phones.
4. Dozens get gas in Wis. for 35 cents after mistake
Should not have eaten that chili.
5. Drunk passenger fails in attempted hijacking
Later, apologizes profusely, professes love for everyone.
6. Man wins contest with 1,528-pound pumpkin
Not a staring contest.
7. Obama Campaign Shows Up in Video Games
Obama does has Triforce.
8. McCain, advisers divided over Wright attack
McCain good friends with both Orville and Wilbur.
9.Brain signals revive paralyzed muscles in monkeys
Paving way for nearly unstoppable monkey army.

Formulate

2008-10-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

1. Former presidents Bush, Clinton tour Ike damage
Clinton, disappointed thought they were 'touring' Tina Turner.
2. Second out-of-state teen abandoned at Omaha hospital
Nebraska to be new home of nation's asshole teens, supplanting CA.
3. Japan's core machinery orders plunge in August
Apples to be eaten the old fashioned way.
4. Bolivia's Morales kicks off march for constitution
Making good use of his 18 Charisma.
5. Tropical Storm Omar forms in Caribbean, Nana vanishes
Omar suspected.
6. Do Mouthwashes Work?
It's better than nothing you foul-breathed bastard.
7. Kidney surgery safe in select elderly patients
Especially those with healthy organs.
8. Ohio executes man who argued he was too fat to die
That'll show him.

Obfusc Eight

2008-10-08T15:51:00.000-04:00

1. German doing well after 1st double arm transplant
Wishes the nurse would come to scratch his back.
2. Woman says she was shot in the leg by her stove
Husband, standing slightly behind her, points at the side of his head and rotates his finger.
3. Analysis: Obama, McCain defy stereotypes in debate
McCain avoids mentioning his lawn, Obama his peeps.
4. 14-year-old Iowa girl abandoned under Nebraska law
Law, written on enormous piece of parchment, folded into tent-like structure.
5. Ferry finds songwriting boring
Prefers carrying people across bodies of water.
6. NYC man sued over 25-foot Viagra rocket
Still erect after more than four hours despite warnings.
7. New Flying Dinosaur Drone to Resemble Pterodactyl
Used in land grab foiled by meddling kids.
8. St. John's Wort effective for depression: study
Paintings of giant facial affliction hilarious.

Hate

2008-10-07T15:47:00.000-04:00

1. Retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion
Retirees considering drinking even crappier coffee to save money.
2. Nepal appoints 3-year-old as new living goddess
Parents always new she was special.
3. R. Kelly seeks $3.4 million from tour promoter
Promoter demands he tour.
4. NKorea reportedly fires missile into Yellow Sea
Possible hoax based on incorrect translation of masturbation fantasy.
5. Dozens injured in Qantas mid-air jet drama
Pilot's participation in improvised staging of Macbeth perhaps shortsighted.
6. President makes quick, long-awaited return home
Really had to pee.
7. Scientists develop solar cells with a twist
Fresh lemony scent!
8. Task force: Colon cancer screenings can stop at 75
76 year olds breathe a lot easier, may still go just for the company.

Slow news day

2008-10-01T16:30:00.000-04:00

1. 4 years after disbanding, Phish to reunite
Legions of stoned fans look up briefly, continue on with bong.
2. Train engineer texted 22 seconds before LA crash
"Oh shit :("
3. Bush signs sprawling spending bill
Using Texas-sized pen
4. Skull of Prehistoric Giant Goose with Teeth Found
Would have had you for Christmas dinner, bitch!
5. Obesity not linked to poor semen quality
Just limits possibility for ejaculation.

Sexysixy

2008-09-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

1. McCain campaign won't commit to debate on Friday
Campaign trapped in 'debating debate' infinite loop.
2. Researchers: Quebec bedrock may be Earth's oldest
Evidence uncovered of woolly mammoth dishwasher.
3. Ky. man claims penis amputated without consent
One would hope.
4. NYC photog sues for return of Marilyn Monroe pics
Has been unable to masturbate for weeks.
5. Hot dogs outside Philly ballpark cause bomb scare
Hot dogs inside men's rooms cause biohazard scare.
6. Colombia officials report finding more rebel data
Secret base NOT on Dantooine.

Evan Seven

2008-09-24T20:41:00.000-04:00

1. NASA Delays Shuttle Mission to Hubble
Shuttle headed to Washington to help in bailout negotiations.
2. Colorful study probes climate change, fall foliage
Fourth grade group project illustrated entirely with Crayola 64 count box.
3. 9/11 mastermind mounts vigorous defense at Gitmo
Threatens to fly plane into judge.
4. FAA suspends sleeping airline pilots
In hammocks.
5. Michael Douglas asked about Wall Street crisis
Greed no longer seen as good.
6. Man with no pants at doughnut shop pleads guilty
If buying donuts naked is wrong, he doesn't want to be right.
7. Mysterious New 'Dark Flow' Discovered in Space
ISS toilet malfunctioning again.

Ten commandments

2008-09-22T16:14:00.000-04:00

1. McCain Calls For Citizenship Path For Undocumented Irish
Grudgingly having given in to 'niggers and chinks'.
2. Palin to Meet World Leaders, Bono
To start 'world's greatest band' shortly thereafter.
3. Obama To Shoot Hoops, McCain To Nap Before Debate
Thereby explaining the sweatpants and bed head.
4. UK experts say Stonehenge was place of healing
Specializing in back injuries caused by lifting.
5. Airliner overruns O'Hare runway, no injuries
If you exclude underwear, dignity.
6. Salt shortage, high prices may mean slippery roads
Not to mention bland foods.
7. Gambler's $20M lawsuit against casinos tossed
Did not know "when to fold 'em".
8. Congress, Bush team agree on some bailout terms
3 hours spent overcoming Bush's association of 'bailout' with childhood boating trips.
9. Did Pakistan soldiers shoot at US helicopters?
Reporter looking for any information you might have.
10. Obesity may diminish a man's fertility
And chances of testing it at all.

BR8

2008-09-19T10:40:00.000-04:00

1. Paulson urges 'bold' action
Secretary of Commerce Carlos Guiterrez plants open-mouth kiss on Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.

2. SA leader lashes out at critics
SCA leader lashes out at critics, with wooden halberd

3. Agreement With Iraq Over Troops Is at Risk
Or, more specifically, RISK. Iraq upset they are lumped in with rest of "Middle East"

4. War and Drought Threaten Afghan Food Supply
Kabul newspaper enjoying cost-savings of running same headline for last 2600 years.

5. We Are the Dog
And we are, frankly, a bit offended that you think we don't know, or care, about the frequency of your masturbation episodes.

6. Poll: Obama tops McCain as football-watching buddy
But not as much as he tops McCain as football playing buddy.

7. In Montana, coal enters governor's race
Immediately begins polling about 3% ahead of the republican

8. McCain, Palin change plans, tour Cedar Rapids
Leading to new questions about judgement

Practice Makes Seven

2008-09-18T18:54:00.000-04:00

1. Bush says he's working hard on economic turmoil
Despite last minute slow motion screams of 'noooooooooooooo' by staff.
2. Mpls drivers honk approval for replacement bridge
Or at that jackass driving slow in the left lane.
3. Ford's new F-150 pickup fuel economy up 8 percent
Now 8% higher than shitty.
4. World's oldest man has 113th birthday in Japan
Utters cryptic words before disappearing.
5. Teen 'detective' leads police to stolen bike
Adopts nom de guerre, Encyclopedia Brown.
6. Man who cleaned public restroom gets plunger award
Thinks it's hilarious. Really. Thanks a a lot.
7. Yahoo begins radical home page overhaul
Now mostly porn.

Killing time

2008-09-16T15:52:00.000-04:00

1. The Future of America's Space Corps
Matching red shirts and a short life expectancy.
2. Stocks fluctuate after Fed keeps rates unchanged
The market demanded that something fluctuate.
3. World's shortest man, leggiest woman meet
Both have excellent views.
4. National Organization For Women Endorses Obama
Continuing long history of overt sexism.
5. S Africa party 'might sue Zuma'
Sorority party might serve Zima.
6. Sara Lee CEO Barnes gets $10.5M pay in fiscal 2008
Paid entirely in baked goods.

Seven headly sins

2008-09-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

1. Bush returns to Gulf Coast, this time for Ike
With Mike, reuniting long estranged delicious candy duo.
2. Nigerian with 86 wives arrested under Sharia laws
Sharia, his 26th wife, now president of Nigeria.
3. Woman faces charge after dishwashing dispute
Last straw reached in bowels of Oak-Elm.
4. Key OJ Simpson witness clutches chest in court
Tells Elizabeth he's coming, to the amusement of all present.
5. Adviser says McCain helped create the BlackBerry
Can't say why he doesn't know how to use it.
6. Family ties: Obama counts rabbi among relatives
McCain's favorite uncle was Moses himself.
7. Doctors say leg pain can signal deadly blood clot
Or mysterious floating bone.

8

2008-09-15T13:41:00.000-04:00

1. Stocks retreat amid new Wall Street landscape
Landscape eerily reminiscent of The Road Warrior, including weird boomerang wielding kid.
2. After Ike, Texas survivors clamor for gas, food
Food that gives them gas.
3. Palin spells out her role in McCain administration
Shooting old lawyers in the face.
4. New Minneapolis bridge practical, not flashy
Unlike previous 'bedazzled' bridge.
5. J&J Vice Chairman Poon to retire in March
Dong to fill the void before Chairman Tang takes over in April.
7. Judge throws out Yellowstone snowmobile plan
Doesn't allow enough time for lunch.
8. Lost cat returned home after nine years
Cat indifferent.

Wait for it....

2008-09-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

1. Merriman pulls plug on season, will have surgery
Resigned to experimental procedure after witnessing latest crop of must see tv.
2. Some in jury pool can't put aside Simpson's past
Later sequels in Police Squad series really left a bad taste in their mouths.
3. Cops: Ric Flair roughed up by daughter's boyfriend
Dressed garishly and brandishing a folding chair.
4. French court to try Church of Scientology
Having finished up recent experimentation with Zoroastrianism.
5. Lance Armstrong coming out of retirement for Tour
Singing backup with Lynryd Skynrd.
6. Bridge repair program unfocused, says GAO
"C'mon people!! That's not even a fucking bridge!"
7. Thomas says Constitution forbids racial preference
Unlucky for him constitution only gives him 2/3 value and no vote.
8. Can Exercise Overcome Genes?
Probably. Both Genes are pretty fat.

Not Quite Enough

2008-09-09T13:40:00.001-04:00

1. Creating a new form of life
Much like Tin Man, but capable of surviving in an environment of pure Uron.

2. Scientists trying to re-enact 'Big Bang'
Gang from 'Revenge of the Nerds,' Now Gainfully Employed, Still Up to Their Old Hijinks

3. Rural Virginia town goes high-tech, draws Obama
In Microsoft Paint.

4. Still cleaning up from Gustav, Gulf Coast finds itself in crosshairs of another hurricane
"Thanks a lot, you lousy Kraut," common refrain as paddleboat extricated from urine-soaked beach.

5. Brady Done for the Season
Not Even Encouragement from Joe Namath Can Bring Him Back After Errant Toss Breaks Sister's Nose

6. Estimates say budget deficit nearing $407B
407-B. That's My Aparment Number. Heigh-Ho!!!!

7. Russia to keep 7,600 troops in 2 Georgia regions
Confederacy of States Really Regretting Succession in Alternate Universe Hell

8. Titans asked for police help to find QB Young
AP Reporter, Oblivious of Jeff Fischer's Sarcasm Following Lackluster Performance vs. Jaguars

Enough

2008-09-05T15:43:00.001-04:00

1.
2. Black bear busts secret Utah pot farm
Local Boy Scout camp disavows rumors of training bear.
3. Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones freed from prison
Too disgraced even for prison.
4. McCain and Obama campaigns grapple for 'change'
Each hoping to buy 44oz Slurpee.
5. Rice, Gadhafi meet in house US bombed 22 years ago
"So this is where the sofa was...."
6. Americans get to know once-obscure Alaska governor
Joining short but auspicious list of obscure Alaskan governors.
7. Condemned man's hearing moved to before execution
Judge gives up advocacy of non-linear time theory.
8. Harper to call election for Oct 14
Much more effective with trumpeter, bugler.
9. Boston's (and baseball's) eyes turn to Beckett
Archbishop of Canterbury 1162. He had an amazing knuckleball.
10. Obama sends supporters to blunt Palin's impact
Republicans surge towards gate screaming something like 'Grond'.
11. Attacks, praise stretch truth at GOP convention
And there was little else.

Just six

2008-09-03T13:08:00.000-04:00

1. Palin introducing herself; GOP blasts questions
Questions of all sorts, on every topic. The only answers come from god.
2. S. Korea says N. Korea has started nuclear work
At unconventional Asian Montessori school.
3. McCain hugs Palin upon his arrival in Twin Cities
All he was ever looking for with selection.
4. Cat survives 70-mile trip under owner's truck
Unlikely to use litter box ever again.
5. Consumers seen holding on to mobile phones longer
Years of constant use has made them sticky.
6. Heavily Hyped Spore Near Release With Big Expectations
Crew of Enterprise in danger.

Unlevened bread

2008-09-02T15:28:00.000-04:00

1. New Orleans mayor: Please don't come home yet
Finishing back to back to back viewing of LOTR on your home theater.
2. Bush headlines lineup at GOP convention
Looking more and more like State Fair all the time.
3. Singer-actor Jerry Reed dies at the age of 71
Joins Fred, the beagle, on the convoy through eternity.
4. Lieberman, Thompson to boost McCain at convention
Bringing an enthusiasm level not seen since Perry Como.
5. Tiger Woods' wife expecting another child
Tiger keeping himself busy while he recovers from knee surgery.
6. McCain says Palin's background thoroughly checked
Statement followed by wink, glance at rear of veep prospect.
7. Superdome operator: stadium looks good
Like giant white boob.
8. Obama's bounce smaller than others
Blames white mother.
9. McCain More Likely to Drop Palin, Bookmakers Say
Arm strength never the same after years in captivity.
10. Astronaut named head of Canadian Space Agency
Finally supplanting popular hockey coach.
11. Whales shedding blubber, Japan study says
Atkins diet program finally translated.

Punchy ten

2008-08-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

1. As Gustav nears, Gulf Coast puts faith in planning
Bible belt now lashed firmly to anything that'll float.
2. Afghans say deadly US raid based on misleading tip
From jive-talkin' street thug Huggy Bear.
3. Top-seeded Ivanovic upset by Coin at US Open
Already has Delaware.
4. Lindsay Lohan lashes out at father on blog
Father likely to never find out.
5. Small GPS devices help prosecutors win convictions
Finding the courthouse critical first step.
6. 90 Days on Mars: Phoenix Lander Sends Martian Postcard
Featuring inexplicable palm trees.
7. Judges refuse to rehear W. Pa. ex-Nazi guard case
Just too depressing.
8. Disposable diaper breaks fall, saves child's life
Shoots feces more than two blocks.
9. Woods' golf limited to video game
May never return to PGA.
10. McCain makes decision on running mate
In form of robotic Ronald Reagan.

The President That Might Have Ten

2008-08-28T16:04:00.000-04:00

1.Kate Moss in Solid Gold
What 58% of Americans Would Hope For If We Develop Time-Machine

2. New York man fakes robbery to pay off mortgage
Less Ethically Dubious Yet, Unfortunately, Far Less Lucrative than "Real Robbery" Alternative

3. Tourists flee as Gustav churns toward Jamaica
Giant, Retarded German Inches His Pedalboat Ever Nearer Dream Vacation Spot

4. Ethiopia hints at leaving Somalia
On the WB's Moesha

5. Hackers prepare supermarket sweep
As is Expected of them in their Day Jobs

6. Toyota Cuts Sales Goal
Promptly Announces Last Quarter Profits Exceeded Expectations

7. Obama plays some hoops, works on speech
Lazy, Racist Reporter Makes Assumption

8. Anticipating Obama With A Debate Team
Come On, He's not THAT young!

9. Today Marks Dual Landmarks In American History
"I Have a Dream" Speech and Invention of GigaPet

10. Joshua Green Describes The View From Denver
A lot of local damned ads featuring John Elway

Carrying my w-eight

2008-08-25T12:34:00.000-04:00

1. Kennedy to appear, may speak at convention
Possibly replaced by much cuter Chinese girl.
2. Tiger Woods says his 2009 schedule uncertain
Might be able to squeeze you in on March 8th, twoish.
3. Research aims to put tongues in control of devices
Sales of disinfectant wipes to soar.
4. Photo Shows Stars Born in Huge Cosmic Wombs
People magazine releases Brangelina exclusives.
5. Man who supplied strippers to NY teen bash is shot
Really, just exhausted.
6. Iran kicks off production of locally built sub
Customer requested extra mayo, no pork.
7. Cheney to visit war-torn Georgia
Needs to recharge his batteries.
8. 3.4 Million Seniors Hit Medicare 'Doughnut Hole'
Wash it down with crappy coffee.

Teeny tiny ten

2008-08-24T14:48:00.000-04:00

1. This week, investors eye oil prices, spending data
Last week, that new secretary.
2. Rice in longshot bid for Mideast peace progress
Making hapless spectator's halftime midcourt shot for a car look like a Lebron James dunk.
3. Man, pregnant girlfriend charged in Md. standoff
Barely avoiding the classic Mexican stand-off.
4. In Kenya slum, sun and sewage equals progress
When progress measured in stink units.
5. Aborigine wants boomerang to return from Britain
Maybe shouldn't have thrown it so far.
6. Obama attends church, barbecue in Wisconsin
Beer available at both.
7. Bernanke says inflation outlook "uncertain"
Proving once and for all his controversial use of Magic Eight Ball.
8. Scientists nail childhood nerve cancer gene
Share raucous high five, later beer.
9. Victims of Britain's tainted blood scandal speak
Employ Soft Cell to write theme.
10. Exercise and limited TV time may keep kids trim
Defying all previous understanding.

BBC 6

2008-08-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

1. Gary Glitter to sign sex register
Followed shortly by an incredulous, "it's what!" after whisper from his lawyer.
2. Greek helicopter fugitive caught
Had to land eventually.
3. Iran denies De Burgh live concert
2 hours of 'Lady in Red' and 'Don't Pay the Ferryman' does not constitute a concert.
4. Intruders attack man in his home
Thus living up to title.
5. Magpie 'recognises its reflection'
Indubitably.
6. Spinning trees cause a stir
Stoned foresters flee in terror.

Ick Dick Niner

2008-08-22T16:20:00.000-04:00

1. Russia says withdrawal complete
Having made it through final empirialistic-communism shakes
2. Investors pulling out of Russia
Thus setting the stage for a simultaneous beginning and ending to a bear market, as it were
3. Three Medals for U.S. as BMX Is Welcomed to Olympic Stage
Three medals for Japan as THX is, inexplicably, Welcomed to Olympic Stage
4. Jamie Foxx, Fran Drescher turn out for Obama party
Unprecedented show of star power causes Republicans to forfeit election.
5. Conservatives grow wary of mixing church, politics
Conservatives told, "join the club"
6. Clinton to have own floor whips at Dem convention Thereby crossing the line between feminsm and fem dom
7. Obama inspires black Republicans to switch parties
All three of them
8. Gold Leader, China, Flexes New Muscles
Red Five, Porkins, Another Story Entirely
9. Uncovering truth amid debris
'Dams Built By Scouts Are Not Built to Last'

special bonus headline:
Human cost of Georgia conflict
Mail order brides

A fine nine?

2008-08-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

1. Obama raps McCain for ignorance of his own houses
Actually raps, making the most of his mixed ancestry.
2. US softball team loses 3-1 to Japan, denied gold
Japanese softball team's motto references 'triforce' and 'boss', completely confounding foes.
3. Obama says he's decided on a running mate
Michael Phelps
4. Russia blocks Georgia's main port city
Using highly pixelated PT boats.
5. Reputed mob boss asks judge for chance to exercise
Claims shiny track suit he usually wears actually means he exercises.
6. Watchdog eases rules on telephone rates
One biscuit per hour, plus tummy rub.
7. Madonna kicks off "Sticky & Sweet" tour
Two decades too late.
8. Rain vows to keep acting despite weak debut
Sprinkles, showers not up to challenge of drought.
9. New Zealand's colossal squid defies legends: scientists
Refuses to eat its vegetables.

Sixy

2008-08-19T12:38:00.000-04:00

1. Shawn Johnson wins gold in balance beam
Not clear why it was being stored there.
2. Suicide attack at Algerian police academy kills 43
Finally had it with cadet making special effect noises, general buffonery.
3. New Thin Skin to Protect Tiny Spacecraft
Though not from hurtful words of larger spacecraft.
4. Woman pleads guilty to stealing South Carolina ID
Now having trouble convincing people its not North Carolina.
5. Cast in place for horror thriller "Maneater"
Uh oh here she comes.
6. Puerto Rico corpse kept upright for 3-day wake
Didn't complain at all.

Nein ich vogen da reuben

2008-08-15T16:22:00.000-04:00

1. Crocker stands in way of Phelps making history
Crockett stands in way of Tubbs making lieutenant.
2. Bush accuses Russia of 'bullying and intimidation'
By Russia, he means Cheney.
3. Georgia men claim hairy, frozen corpse is Bigfoot
Yeti throws investigators off trail.
4. Group says life not improving for tent camp Iraqis
Darkness finds men stacked like cordwood, seeking each other's warmth.
5. Dougherty snatches share of SAS Masters lead
Local elderly woman world class judge of sass.
6. Stallone explores Soviet roots with vodka deal
Roots limited to cinematic fight with Ivan Drago.
7.McCain, RNC report $96 million cash on hand
Take turns rolling cigars with $100 bills, laughing.
8.Salmonella outbreak winds down; questions remain
"Jesus! Are you all right in there?"
9.Older Adults Reluctant to Question Surgical Treatment
Older adults reluctance to question authority goes way back.
10.

Ate

2008-08-14T13:50:00.000-04:00

1. China’s Yang Grabs Elusive Gold
Tossed to him, in a bag, by Jackie Chan, who proceeds to kick him in the crotch.

2. Arkansas Suspect Quit Job on Day of Killing
Bodes poorly for "Reason Left Last Job" on next employment application.

3. In a Generation, Minorities May Be the U.S. Majority
An in this simple statement, the anscestor of Kirk immobilizes the anscestor of NOMAD

4. Downtowns Across the U.S. See Streetcars in Their Future
They will be the next exhibit over in the History Museum

5. Visual Science: The Genetic Map of Europe
Hairy in the South, pale in the East, and fresh-faced in the NorthWest

6. Madeleine Albright Urges Rice To Visit Russia
A closer look reveals what turns out to be simply a Madelein Albright mask. Mysterious impostor then urges Beef to visit Burundi.

7. NRA to Montana: Obama a threat to gun owners
Though not so nearly as much as the reverse.

8. McCain: US must reevaluate relations with Russia
American public wistful for the 90s, when our commander in chief could be expected to explore "relations" with Russia.

Googlate

2008-08-13T16:37:00.000-04:00

1. Obama opposes Bush endangered species proposal
Supports endangered species.
2. Best Buy's iPhone Deal Is Blow To Hopes Of RadioShack Win
Radio Shack's monopoly on overpriced gadgets threatened.
3. Analyst sees Lehman writing down $3 billion more
Wonders where he got the giant check ledger.
4. Obama's Boomer Strength
Eloquence extends to NFL color commentary.
5. Burger King does not want its employees to take baths
Flame broiling provides all the hygiene anyone could want.
6. Federer avenges Olympic defeat
Destroys Beijing.
7. Many Hispanics Shut Out of US Health Care System
Many don't live here.
8. Batman won't catch "Titanic"
Batboat lacks time machine.

One One Tenor

2008-08-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

1. Police focus on two suspects in theft of SUV, baby
You know conomic times are bad when ghost of Frank Sinatra takes up gig as Star Tribune beat reporter.
2. U.S. soccer team stumbles
Prompting Yankee Owner George Steinbrenner to Fire Manager Lou Pinella
3. Pound of cyanide found in room where man died
But authorities have still not linked these two seemingly unrelated phenomena.
4. Survey finds new fear factor - drivers texting a lot
Most alarming is the frequency with which the message is "Ahhhhhhh!"
5. Best Buy gets a piece of the iPhone action
Tricks potential customers with an impromptu game of "Fizzbin"
6. In Soccer, Nigeria Sends U.S. Men Packing
Image of soccer players "packing" doing very little to diminish US stereotypes about the sport.
7. Hagel as Obama veep draws concern from both sides
Though not nearly the concern as when, 100 years ago, presidential candidate Taft nominated Bagel.
8. Whose Troops Are Those In Georgia?
Your mama's!
9. Scientist Charged With Trying To Kill Americans
GOP adopts party platform for national convention
10. Gems of the Ring, Guarded by a Professor in Boxing Gloves
Who is no threat to take The Gems of the Ring for his own, due to the wearing of boxing gloves.

Don't fear the four

2008-08-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

1. Russian convoy heads into Georgia, violating truce
Infuriating local sheriff.
2. Spaceship Could Fly Faster Than Light
May do Kessle run in less than 12 parsecs.
3. ACT scores down, but more students college-ready
Alcohol tolerance up, sexual inhibitions down.
4. Chrysler to invest $1.8B in Detroit factory
Hopes to reinvigorate once dominant Motown label.

C7N

2008-07-31T15:31:00.000-04:00

1. Being black in Hollywood still exception, not the rule
Numerical minority of black population remains unchanged.
2. Olympic official feels like Web ban 'fall guy'
Always imagined himself more like TJ Hooker.
3. Airport luggage mess
"Looks like the tasmanian devil packed these things," says TSA worker Jim Feldstein.
4. Bush surprises woman, 91
His mom, now supremely tired of these games after 6 decades.
5. Total eclipse stirs hearts in Russia
Once upon a time they were falling in love, now they're only falling apart.
6. 100 Black Men robotics program
Programed to take it to the man.
7. Astrologer recounts earthquake
Makes stunning prediction of yesterday's events.

Six and the city

2008-07-31T12:06:00.000-04:00

1. Economic rebound not as energetic as hoped for
Dennis Rodman sought as new Treasury Secretary.
2. Lawyer: Britney wants no contact with Sam Lutfi
Mr Lufti wants to spoon.
3. Astronaut technology could prevent elderly falls
But only if elderly sent into space.
4. Newly discovered Beatles tape up for sale
Loud clunks between songs, and the occasional DJ voice-over may hurt value.
5. Bush says coal part of his "sprint to the finish"
Actually powering Dick Cheney's pacemaker.
6. Text of Bush's remarks on progress in Iraq war
Written using wingdings for clarity.

Connect Four

2008-07-28T10:07:00.000-04:00

1. Orioles finally end 15-Sunday losing streak
Still struggling through 31 game Thursday north of the Mason-Dixon Line losing streak.
2. Iowa case raises question: Is stripping an art?
Maybe not, but then Nude Descending Staircase #2 never gave me an erection.
3. Report: Empty prison in Iraq a $40M 'failure'
Apparently not empty as a result of drop in crime rate.
4. Bruckner unveiled as Austria coach
Spent previous week huddled quietly under fabric.

8 after a break

2008-07-25T10:48:00.000-04:00

1. Qantas jet lands with gaping hole in fuselage
To be fixed with mucilage.
2. Scientists expose mystery behind northern lights
10 bored Canadians with flashlights.
3. Brewers stay hot behind Braun and Hardy
Fuckers are blocking the fan.
4. AP: Food industry bitten by its lobbying success
Warned that giant lobbying spider a bad idea.
5. Air Force missile launch crew fell asleep
Been awake since 1962.
6. LA prosecutors oppose motions in Spector retrial
Ghostly visage tough to see even when standing still.
7. Obesity creeps up in US: report
Given away by labored breathing.
8. Oxygen therapies may ease headache pain
Screenings of last 10 minutes of Total Recall prove point.

Three dog night

2008-07-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

1. Asteroid Cruises Past Earth ... With a Partner!
Only scientists in MA, CA and VT recognize them.
2. Heavy rains complicate Calif. firefighting efforts
Difficult to get equipment to fires that no longer need fighting.
3. Bill Clinton warns of growing polarization
Can't keep his magnets apart.

S'more

2008-07-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

1. Like Obama, McCain devotes a day to women voters
Both very unlike Bill Clinton.
2. Sun's Not Screwy, Scientist Says
To anyone who will listen.
3. Jackson, Miss. mayor says drug fight will continue
Heroin addicts waiting expectantly at edge of town turn away, dejected.
4. Desk rage spoils workplace for many Americans
Not even at work are we safe from assholes.
5. Astronauts handle explosives on daring spacewalk
Completely unnecessary, but dangerous.
6. NASA Sticks a Fork in Mars
At request of painter friend of Lou Reed.

Better eight than never.

2008-07-09T16:12:00.000-04:00

1. US agriculture secretary confident meat is safe
Recent crotch grabbing lets him rest assured.
2. Jamie Lynn Spears says motherhood "so much fun"
Lack of job or any other responsibility seen as key.
3. Hospital: `Impossible' to see inside Jolie's room
"Really, we tried everything."
4. Obama silent on reason for visiting building
Just had to crap.
5. Obama says sanctions for Iran while McCain says shield
Shield was the idiosyncratic name of McCain's childhood sled.
6. Seniors Having More Sex Than Ever
And not just on skip day.
7. Most Popular Baby Names Change Dramatically
Methuselah no longer in.
8. NATO sees jump in Pakistan attacks
Kriss Kross not implicated.