The first Magnificent Seven

1. Japan Tries to Restore Nuclear Confidence
A mess as populace currently fleeing. Godzilla to make series of PSAs

2. al-Qaida Stays Connected in Number of Ways
Thanks to the new Qwest Choice plan with DSL Deluxe and wireless service .

3. Libya to Pay $35M for Berlin Disco Bomb
George Clinton still considering offer

4. Leak Allowed al-Qaida Suspects to Escape
Guards fell for the old "I've got blood in my urine-I need a doctor!" trick

5. Afghans Announce 18 Election Contenders
Country we heard for months was nearly the size of California strives to emulate in any way possible

6. Veteran Science Submarine to Be Replaced in 2008
Aging Sub tries in vain to prove worthiness by diving to record depth. Ends up trapped on bottom; becomes power source for boiler room of mer-person bubble city.

7. NASA Chief: 'Let's Go Save the Hubble'
Promptly bounds through open door off into the night