Seis

1. Spitzer Telescope Warms Up to Its New Mission
Watching the frequently nude woman in the apartment across the street.
2. AP source: Bucks to send Jefferson to Spurs
Moving on up,
3. Columns of troops pour into China's restive west
Blue player left 12 armies in Afghanistan at end of previous turn.
4. Children's book aims to explain the meaning of God
And that he poops.
5. British scientists claim to create human sperm
Lonely nights in the lab not wasted thanks to internet.
6. How Global Catastrophe Could Make Us Smarter
Gene pool enhanced by deaths of those too stupid to survive.

Jackson Five

1. Debate Rages Over Moon Water
Among drunks at Smokey's Tavern.
2. Police: 8 officers hurt in Laker victory melees
5 hurt by Lamar Odom alone.
3. Once he was lost, but now is found
Sadly, still blind.
4. UK lawmakers jostle for Speaker's chair
Several started even before the music stopped.
5. Dad's Genes May Play Greater Role Than Thought
Mom's jeans got the ball rolling however.
6. Sarkozy jeered at Bongo's funeral
Several guests threw feces, swung from chandeliers.

Creaky 7

1. Florida woman rescues good ol' boys from gators
General Lee due for a tune up.
or
Bo and Luke's eyesight not what it used to be.

2. Space Station Headed for Population Explosion
Only female astronaut really wishes there was more to do in space...at this hour...
3. Bermuda takes 4 Uighur detainees from Gitmo
Few others eager to take Uighurs.
4. Anne Frank museum to display her actual diaries
Modern teens unable to relate do to lack of emoticons, humor prompts.
5.Rear-facing seats safer for bigger kids too: study
Not sibling's rears.
6.Longer is better for treating prostate cancer
Physician's fingers.
7. Iowa woman's photo sparks push for new cloud type
State touts new reason to return to Iowa.

Ta ta ta Ten

1. BBC apologizes over jokes about jockey's teeth
National pot calling the kettle black.
2. Tribune could have gotten $45M in Wrigley deal
Possibly even Doublemint Twins.
3. Quarter of companies globally set to freeze pay: survey
Planning on thawing it when it's worth more.
4. Pakistan talks of 'gap' with US as envoys visit
T. Mace, recently approved by Senate, faces first tough test.
5. Australian library finds copy of Schindler's list
Bob Schindler's list of best butts at Woomoolooroo High School.
6. Sitting Down With Miley Cyrus
Watch out for her teeth.
7. In double transplant, left hand works first
Masturbation will have to wait, or be awkward.
8. Obesity may raise risk of restless legs syndrome
Despite general lack of movement.
9. Colon Screenings Don't Follow Guidelines, Study Suggests
"What! Get out of there!"
10. Confessions of a Fat Fingered Airline Fare Analyst
Features large number of inadvertent keyboard clicks.

Ten in Trying Times

1. Geithner seeks new powers over financial companies
Can't decide between Jedi or Superman.
2. Treasury Chief Seeks Wider Power to Seize Troubled Firms
Brings in Justice League, too big too fail no problem for Apache Chief.
3. Obama leaves White House for European meetings
Leaves iron plugged in, door unlocked.
4. Democrats Unveil Ambitious Global Warming Bill
Republicans unveil actual plans to warm the globe.
5. Lemon cola becomes holy water in baptism
Of jism.
6. 8 accused of stealing pot, guns from Miss. police
Miss. police too stoned to care.
7. Police: Dad killed kids, relatives, then himself
Finally achieving some peace and quiet.
8. `Real Housewives' countess separates from count
Now just ess.
9. Gang of Juvenile Dinosaurs Discovered
Hanging out at the BrontoBurger.
10. School PE Programs Don't Lower Child Obesity
Not enough time allotted for the 10,000 jumping jacks required to burn off today's lunch.

Ten over time

1. Steele: Limbaugh fracas a 'sideshow distraction'
Republican party now more like clown car than actual circus.
2. Suspects Questioned in Pakistani Cricket Shooting
"Damn thing wouldn't stop CHIRPING!"
3. Clinton: Israeli home demolitions 'unhelpful'
Though site of naked man sitting on toilet in rubble hilarious.
4. Altimeter 'had role' in air crash
Showed clearly when the plane hit the ground.
5. Ukrainian security agents raid Naftogaz offices
Looking for Nazgul.
6. Singer Phil Collins finds new passion in the Alamo
Searching undeterred for its basement.
7. Sudan leader: No international court can touch me
Has no hopes of even short-lived musical career.
8. Bush says it's 'essential' to help Obama
Should have thought of that before he fucked everything up.
9. Rights group: 1,000 seized in Gambian witch hunt
Gambian university major rival of Hogworts.
10. Drunken mayhem mars St. Patrick's in Ireland
In other news, sun rises, sky blue.

Eight is never enough

1. Obama puts Bush species rule on hold
Hoping to keep Bush's from breeding.
2. Engineer invited teen to operate locomotive
Hoping to stoke his coal box.
3. Officials cite broad power for president in memos
These memos, written in early days of Clinton administration, were looking to expand the executive branch's power over 'broads'.
4. Ring exposes rift in 'right-to-die' movement
Actually an elaborate plot to rule them all.
5. Wall Street shows modest moves a day after tumble
Not trying to regain respect all at once.
6. Fidel Castro: 2 leaders undone by 'honey of power'
Ending Cuban association with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo. Should have seen this coming.
7. Mass. man fined for Chuck E. Cheese mascot assault
Extremely low quality of pizza sent man over the edge.
8. Kids Prefer Veggies With Cool Names
Flavored like chicken nuggets.