Free wEights

1. Betancourt, 3 U.S. hostages freed from Colombian rebels
After they realize famous "finger insurance" was just a Guitar Center-junkie legend.

2. Women from Texas polygamist sect launch new clothing line
Designer sheets with a single hole in them

3. Large Fire Burns Warehouse In Green Isle
Hal Jordan loses shitload of leotards

4. Rush Limbaugh sets new deal (AP)
Elimination of social security, rural de-electrification, and tearing up of the US Interstate System.

5. Palestinian goes on rampage in Jerusalem
Enormous ape goes on rampage in Rampage.

6. Iran envoy dismisses attack threat
Australian envoy dismisses knife attack threat

7. Algae bloom is China's latest Olympic nightmare
And sender of a recent email with the subject "Are You Tired of Musturbate?"

8. Twins, agency team up to fight homelessness
Draft plans for $310 million retractable-roof home for the Twins.

7

1. Baron Davis on verge of signing with Clippers
Thumb poised expectantly at tip of pen.
2. Boris weakens in Pacific far off Mexico
Really regretting that decision to swim across.
3. Angelina Jolie's obstetrician to give report
About the world's most fascinating vagina.
4. Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama
Army of zombie voters confirm Republican fears.
5. Woman crashes into store then tries to buy beer
Authorities to investigate chicken/egg implications.
6. 'World of Warcraft' to sell token device for added security
Tolkein device only adds to nerdity.
7. Study shows how broccoli fights cancer
Principally using a series of foot sweeps, followed closely by a head punch and a gut jab.

Nikki Sixx

1. Bon Jovi to play at free NYC concert
In last ditch effort to avoid final plunge into obscurity.
2. Mystery blast kills 8 at Pakistan militant base
Pop Rocks not yet ruled out.
3. Spain wins first major in 44 years
Stratego drought possibly over.
4. Romney tops McCain veep list
Empty suit possibly large enough to fit Cheney.
5. Whaling conference ends with decisions delayed
Whale community's long term plans left unresolved.
6. Germany launches national anti-obesity drive
Ad campaign to feature slimmed down Augustus Gloop.