Seven for Bert Blyleven

1. FBI pins 6 unsolved stickups of metro banks on gunman with bogus nose
Bogus nose made, conveniently, of cork.

2. Republicans Grapple for Answers After Loss
As usual, not with the aid of math or evidence.

3. Abroad, Obama Victory Brings a Welcome for the Familiar and Demands for Attention
Feline depository for his dark magic energies purrs, winds around his lower legs.

4. Former Penn State president pleads not guilty to cover-up
By raising right hand to do so, he exposes his balls, thus killing two birds with one stone.

5. Canada confident U.S. will approve major oil pipeline to Gulf 
Big-ass pipeline with sole purpose of sending steady stream of crude into the Gulf. Just as

6. Check Out 6 Scholarships for Gamers
Trying to fast-track education for new "X-Files" unit of FBI. "Xenophobe" experts encouraged to apply.

7. Tomb of Ancient Egyptian Princess Discovered in Unusual Spot
At top of vine extending from top of cube with flashing question mark.