Fo teen

1. Chirac corruption trial suspended

For hijinks by rabbit plaintiff.

2. APNewsBreak: Notre Dame to ban hydraulic lifts (AP)

In effort to curb obesity, elevators now only for show.

3. US 'heartland' near historic shift from Midwest

Coastal elites welcome new members of out of touch America.

4. Genesis vocalist Phil Collins announces retirement

Headline written in 1992 finally comes to light.

or

Rest of Genesis stunned to learned he was still part of Genesis.

5. 'Illiterate' Australian boy sues state

Sadly, has no idea what it means.

6. Correction: Winter Weather

Previous headline: Summer Weather unusually cold, snowy.

7. Southeastern States Mired in the 'Diabetes Belt': CDC Report

Pants too big for actual belt.

8. Happiest in Hawaii: Aloha State Tops Well-Being List

Happiness correlates directly with need to scrape ice from windshields.

9. Six injured Wizards shut it down for rest of season

Another hard fought Quidditch season takes its toll.

10. Nato: Libya using human shields

+1 AC, -10 CH.

11. Accused "Grim Sleeper" suspected in more deaths

Most victims recent immigrants working at regional garden supplier.

12. Romney still up in New Hampshire; Trump a wild card

Romney on vacation, Trump one crazy mother fucker.

13. Overall Health May Be Key to Beating Breast Cancer

Fewer and fewer advantages to being fat/lazy every day.

14. Skin cancer triples among young British people

Centuries old cycle of pastiness almost broken.