Number nine........number nine......

Likely First Photo of Planet Beyond the Solar System
If you look close enough you can almost make out the scantily clad green women.

Fla. Weary As Third Hurricane Approaches
Once proud eastern part of state hanging limply towards Cuba

42 Students Plead No Contest to Drinking
After last night's contest even they were worn out.

Few Apply for Medicare Drug Coverage
Those most likely to use it not born yesterday

Parties Campaign for Control of House
This week on Frats Gone Wild

Medina soldier killed in Iraq
Sadly no longer funky, just cold

Scout leader accused of embezzling
Additional charge of arson thrown out.

State Proposes Changing TAKS Scoring
Should consider changing TAKS spelling

Governor Perry's Office Receives Booby-Trapped Letter
Ample busted secretary unable to free mail from cleavage.

6 Little Piggies

1. Mass. Gov. Office Gets Suspicious Letter
Cursive capital "Q." Everyone is, like, "What the hell is THIS?"

2. Chechen Warlord Always Brazen -- but Never Caught
Little power ball richocets off his red, "L"-shaped fortress.

3. CIA May Have Held 100 'Ghost' Prisoners
Made Casper, Nearly Headless Nick, "Ghost Dad" make nude pyramid.

4. U.S. Targets 3 Iraqi Cities
Ahead of clean water and suppression of violence, we offer them "cheap chic," affordable storage.

5. Vikings fans hop on LRT bandwagon
It has a better defense.

6. Titans, Dolphins trying to replace star runners
Conducting secret canteena meetings with Han Solo, mysterious fellow known as "Lone Star"

The Decathlon Club

Separated Twins May Walk by Christmas
Into the extended arms of Hanukah

Blast Topples Conn. Church; No One Hurt
Ancient vengeful god's aim a little rusty

European Countries May Dump Small Coins
Won't say where - be vigilant

Chicago Mayor Unveils Surveillance Plan
Will be testing it first in women's bathroom

Aide: Bush Faith Has Been Misunderstood
Love of Old Testament means he's more Jewish than Christian

Zawahiri tape authentic: CIA
Includes full remake of classic Beach Boys album Pet Sounds

Some Lexmark, Dell Printers May Present Electrical Hazard
Hazard most easily avoided if never plugged in

Childbirth `changing in Canada,' study finds
Now performed outside wearing sweaters

Americans Say They're Careful About Diet
Careful not to eat own fingers in frenzy of gorging.

Research Finds Link Between Alcoholism, Depression
Study will fit nicely on shelf between studies linking alcoholism with vomiting and unprotected sex with ugly people

Eight Days a Week

Jamaica Braces for Ferocious Hurricane Ivan
Like only Jamaica can - getting totally stoned

Dean Offers Critiques, Solutions for Dems
Damn tasty sausage too.

Engineer Builds Robot That Walks on Water
Christians flock to worship it.

Scientists Stumped by Dead Croakers
Not fluent in frontier gibberish

Officials ponder loss of hospital
"I swear I saw it there just yesterday."

Children's issues effort to widen
Children widen an issue of effort (or lack thereof)

These workers go beyond labor
They are Eagle Scouts.

Popularity can't extend '94 assault weapon ban
Of the people, by the people and for the people now just a feel good slogan

Gimme Five!

1. Homes still off-limits
A defiant 'Hammer' still declares 'you can't touch this'

2. Priest Fined $15G in Conn. Insurance Scam
He had inside knowledge with respect to impending "Acts of God"

3. Frances' Remnants Wash Out Parts of N.C.
T.P. Washes Remnants out of Frances' Pants

4. Festival Raises Millions for Mental Health
Unfortunately, money raised all imaginary money, "space bucks," flattened pieces of 'Starburst' fruit chews

5. Tony Danza Ready to Go With New Talk Show
First episode will feature visit by Angelra Landsbury, visit from this guy from the zoo.

Ingratiate

3 months' worth: What's also coming out this fall
The mother of all shits.

More Mobile White Gives Sooners Options
Players no longer required to huddle near waterboy.

or

Option left, option right

IBM Releases New Linux-Oriented Database Software
Steinway releases new Linus-oriented baby grand

Smelly Robot Eats Flies to Generate Its Own Power
Not even the most cynical sci-fi writer imagined a future this bleak

Light at Night Might Be a Cancer Risk
An anxious nation asks, "Even the soft glow of internet porn?"

Concern fuses with pride as Stryker Brigade heads for Iraq
"Stryker?" 'WHACK'

Kalakala dream foundering in sea of legal woes
Hubba Bubba dream buoyed in seas of sugary goodness

Walkertown drivers want turn signal
Have forgotten that they already have two.

Special Waterloo Courier Edition

1. Man gets life for son's death
Man is vampire

2. Heartland Vineyard church plans going forward
Denomination known for going a little little heavy on the "blood of Christ"

3. UNI Republicans hold 9/11 observance
Pause briefly to commemorate hoopsters' record last year in the Missouri Valley Conference.

4. City looks into school traffic issues near Jesup
Hod rods keep crashing right through plate-glass deliverymen's handiwork

5. Bush is candidate for both parties
Republican AND Constitution Parties

6. 'Dunkertonopoly' sponsored by town's businesses
Features about 50% vacant lots, ability to convert 4 houses into motel

The Hoovy Seven

1 U.S. jets bomb insurgent-held Iraq cities
"We really don't like this new kind of music."

2 Florida urges new evacuations as Ivan nears
Ivan has terrible, terrible gas. The noses of old folks will not survive.

3 Car bomb near embassy in Indonesia kills 8
U.S. jets mistake local music for insurgent music and apologize profusely.

4 Powell: Sudan abuses qualify as genocide
Susan's air busses qualify for financial aide

5 Memos show Bush suspended from flying
Bush known for such gravity-defying acts since childhood.

6 Dress codes spread at companies, schools
Firefighters called in to cool down the boys.

7 Jennings' 'Jeopardy!' run may have ended
Ralph Badpun reports, "Bruce has finally RUN out of time."

Eeeeiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt!

1. Al-Sadr Looks for Role After Najaf Losses
Tries out for hot-tempered computer techie Samir in stage production of "Office Space"

2. Women Make Inroads in Video Game Industry
Suffregettes range from Donkey Kong's Princess to the hookers in Grand Theft Auto

3. U.S. Unveils Plans to Fix Intelligence
Powerpoint presentation features leaping arcs of electricity, neck bolts

4. Scientists Pick Up Pieces of Space Capsule
Skinny girl-arms allow these nerdy guys to only heft tiny little pieces.

5. Md. Geologist Completes Sinkhole Study
Following discovery of electro suit, armored vehicle, and ferocious battles vs. eight "bosses"

6. Plants - the Silent Witnesses to Crime
The silent, uncomprehending, non-sentient witnesses to crime

7. Maine Slated to Get Advanced Microscope
Plans to use it to look for dent it has made in course of American history

8. Two Neptune-Mass Planets Found, Earth-Size Worlds Next
According to probe launched from Pluto.

No thanks, I just eight

Rare Fever May Be To Blame In Merchant Mariner's Death
Disco fever.

AP Poll: Fear of Terror Attack Persists
Bush administration totally confused as to the reason.

Three Killed in N.C. Shooting Spree
Sprees just not what they used to be.

UN council mulls Sudan resolution, US to speak on genocide
World not sure if we're for or against.

Panasonic DVD Recorder Gets Connected
Grandma's christmas present finally out of box after 9 months thanks to visiting children.

Bush visits, praises storm trackers
Nothing braver than hiding in a bunker watching satellite images.

Year taken off Olson sentence
Vastly reduced number of commas, semi-colons.

St. Bernard Drug Sweep Nets 20 Suspected Dealers
No longer carrying brandy in those little barrels.

Seeeeeeeevvvvveeeeeennnnnnnn

2 Killed, 4 Injured in Mich. Motel Attack
Some checked in, but didn't check out

Anheuser-Busch Eyes Double-Digit Earnings
And that's not just the beer talking.

Zombie PCs spam, phish, harass on the sly
And verrrrrry verrrrrry slowly.

Nokia Offers Slimmed-Down 9300 Communicator
Attaches to uniform as a small pin.

Kidnapped UN Peacekeeper Released in Congo
Weird, since he was taken in Kosovo.

DNA Fingerprint Discoverer Has Concerns
Mostly about his lack of dates.

Suicide Around the World Every 40 Seconds-Experts
Very quickly running out of experts

New York Six Exchange

1. Report: Jenkins Could Surrender Saturday
White coats surround her residents; anonymous tipster informed them girl within was "crazy"

2. Genesis Space Capsule Crashes Into Desert
Trees suddenly rise from earth, Spock grows pubes

3. Russia Threatens to Strike Terror Bases
Beginning with Legion of Doom headquarters, and moving on to COBRA's "Terror Drome"

4. Intern MD Injects Patient With Olive Oil
Had originally checked self into hospital for implants, but crawled into syringe & fell asleep

5. Eagles Extend Reid's Contract Through 2010
Mysterious monolith messages interpreted to mean $6MM signing bonus and $26MM over five years

6. NASA Space Probe Crashes in Utah Desert
in 1968. Neil Armstrong emerges.

Stricnine

U.S. Deaths in Iraq Top 1,000; Italian Women Held
Nothing more satisfying than the comforting arms of an Italian woman.

Fresh Firefighters Help California Blaze
Burn like cord wood.

U.N.: Iraqis Shipped Metal Out of Country
Among other things, recycling system not started yet.

Gay Republican Group Won't Endorse Bush
Whatever endorse means - Bush doesn't want them faggots doing it to him.

George Shultz Endorses Stem Cell Issue
Sgt. Schultz knows 'nussing'

Inactivity May Trump Fat as Heart Disease Risk-Study
Study fails to see inactivity as root cause of both

Alzheimer Drug Doesn't Help Chronic Fatigue
Who thought it would?

Fire and Police Briefs
Soiled but brave.

Schools may qualify for modified calendar
Changing name of third day of work week to Wensday - just to make it easier.

S E 7 E N

Jackson song makes news its own way
By only molesting the ears of children

Travelers Spend More Time in Traffic Jams
People who work at home spend more time in strawberry jam.

Hurricanes Brighten Fleetwood's Future
Can't say the same for Mac

More PE Time May Fight Obesity in Girls
May cut number of hallway brawls between fat girls.

Floridians, Bay Staters Flee Frances
Local news finally succeeds in connecting distant story to local terror

Area tug-of-war team yanks hard, ranks high
In jism baptism semi-finals.

Clinton Breathing on Own After Surgery
Urges mouth-to-mouth anyway

The Seventh Headline Stretch

1. International Academy spreads its wings
Now offers courses to be medical assistant in addition to CAD designer, "graphic arts specialist"

2. Saving the big house on the prairie
They can only be talking about the residence from the short lived "Lohaus on the Prairie"

3. No time to rest
There are still people out there who are completely unaware of McDonald's 99 cent "value menu"

4. Mora has nothing but respect for the 49ers
Sneaks naked into Circuit City to try and catch as much of their games as he can before they throw him out.

5. AP: Iran Nuke Fuel Program Starts at Mine
Or so you might think, if you saw the radioactive waste I just left in the crapper

6. French Premier Skeptical of Ransom Demand
Terrorist, threatening the use of "nucular weapons" has him casting suspicious eyes westward

7. Court Bars Rubble Removal from Jerusalem Shrine
While he may be breaking priceless artifacts with his buffoonery, dopey, blond-haired fool was there at least 5,000 years prior to any other items in historic structure

Five Alive

Redford Coached Carter Before Debates
Considered making prequel to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid without that pesky Paul Newman

Poll: Most Find Satisfaction in Their Jobs
Poll of bosses.

Talking heads are catching on as Web meetings take off
Much traffic between MA and IN.

Cheney Telephones Clinton to Wish Him Well
Offers donor heart.

Al Gore Caught Speeding, Pays Ticket
Removes cash from lockbox.

9 in time

No. 25 Purdue Embarrasses Syracuse, 51-0
Purdue basketball team finally being put to good use.

Doctors: Clinton to Undergo Regular Bypass
You know - like the one everbody has.

Company Making Fake Urine for Researchers
Don't ask.

German army worried by increasing number of fat soldiers: report
Can't make them run, they're filled with chocolate.

Cheney May Help or Hinder Bush's Chances
Journalist should consider meteorology.

Inmates Hospitalized After Standoff
Thought standoff would be easier than hard-boiled egg eating.

Italian Tower Ready for Space Station
Crooked but ready.

Skeletons Yield Secrets to Radioactive Dating
Wear sunscreen.

Smoking and Drinking Are Bad for Semen
Drinking a double edged sword - no action without it