10 until midnight

1.
'Star Wars' Fans Turn Out for Premieres
Star Wars fans turn out for tuft of Wookie hair.
2.
'Downwinders' case finally goes to court
30 year struggle aims to clear the air.
3.
Evolution Dominates Campaign in Pa. Town
God fearing Christian fundamentalist versus Homo Erectus.
4.
Judge Adds Jail Time in Texas Beating Case
If not for good service at Applebees over lunch, it would have been the death penalty.
5.
Afghanistan riddled with drug ties
Sweatshop labor for the Gerry Garcia collection.
6.
One Killed at Soccer Game in Colombia
One death short of an official game.
7.
Presidents' private lives shrink under scope
Except Clinton, his is huge.
8.
Oral contraceptives boost herpes shedding
Neighbor's house too disgusting to imagine.
9.
35 percent of Philippine policemen are obese
Como se dice 'donut'?
10.
New Cancer Drugs Fight Tumors Many Ways
Modelled after winning techniques from Mike Tyson's Punchout.

The Couldn't Stop 16

1. More Ga. Judges Carrying Guns
Simply need to also be jury and they have the trifecta.

2. Tit-for tat games continue in the House of Commons on Friday the 13th
Those with tats feel duped, frustrated

3. Conservatives Honor DeLay With Gala
Funding it with taxpayer money and adding it the the list of ethics violations.

4. Baltimore Airport Renamed for Marshall
Suddenly and unexplainably more susceptible to spy activity

5. Gov. Bush Urges Fla. to Prepare for Storms
Challenges them to do it without science

6. Russians want NASA to fund escape craft at space station
Challenge is making it resistant to boulders, giant hollow spears.

7. Documentary Provides Intimate Look at Columbia's Last Crew
Basically as exciting as "The Real World," had it been cast with all mathmeticians.

8. Service Helps Dog Owners Interpret Barks
Quacks now involved with barks

9. Poll: GOP Voters OK Stem Cell Research
Poll: GOP Voters vote on taxes, pretty much nothing else

10. Flying Snakes: New Videos Reveal How They Do It
They are actually dragons

11. Man Tries to Revive Honeybee Population
Keeps getting a stinger in his dinger.

12. Cataract surgery may improve driving ability
Lest we forget the Center for the Study of Totally Obvious Fucking Things is still laboring away

13. Obesity-Linked Lung Stress May Trigger Asthma
Based on informal study of 25 fat high-school seniors going up three flights to the library

14. Utah Study Links Obesity and Bad Knees
CFTSOTOFT having a field day

15. Sex researchers shed light on unpopular sex acts
Sex researchers discovered to be backstage crew for porn film

16. Flu Shots May Soon Be Recommended for All
If Santa continues down the road to senility

Slow afternoon 9

1.
New Robots Clone Themselves
OH JESUS!
2.
Two in Custody After Capitol Plane Scare
Plane shaken but ok despite evacuating lavatory contents onto runway.
3.
School Superintendent Searches Evolving
KS school boards not.
4.
Lawyer: Accused Vegas killer admitted sneaking across Canadian border
Would have never lived it down if his friends found out. They think Canada is for pussies.
5.
Trade Gap Hits Lowest Level in Six Months
Tooth gap remains unchanged.
6.
Colombia Lawmakers Seek U.S. Ambassador
Should try the embassy.
7.
Documents Line Cuban Exile to Bomb Plot
Others line his birdcage.
8.
Group: Keep Terror Suspects Out of Egypt
Groups: keep terror suspects out of our country too.
9.
Clinton, Gingrich Unite on Health Care
Can plagues of locusts be far behind?

Playa Eighter

1. Two in Custody After Capitol Plane Scare
Reportedly came onto tarmack dressed in giant albatross costume.

2. Prayer effective as painkiller?
Researchers explore practical application of numbing dullness experienced in church.

3. African Refugee Kids Threatened by Lead
Hide in Billiards Room.

4. Supreme Court Urged to Protect Reporters
And put those gavels to some good use.

5. Virginia to Send Snipers to Md. for Trial
Taking care of those activist judges once and for all.

6. 60 Killed in Suicide Attacks Across Iraq
Suicide bomber mistakenly kills group of 59 other suicide bombers in worst suicide bomber clusterfuck in history.

7. Yahoo to launch Euro version of music service
Claim of 70,000 titles available found to all be dance remixes of same song.

8. Congress Urged to Help Women in Science
Women, still shaken from Mr. Gephardt episode, understandably uneasy.

Whipped and beaTen

1.
Capitol Building, White House Evacuated
Dick Cheney emerges from undisclosed location and takes a shit.
2.
Sarin Vapor Detected From Weapons Pile
Scarin' vapor detected from Cheney's pile.
3.
Iraqi Insurgents Go on Rampage, Kill 60
Climb, punch buildings causing them to collapse.
4.
French Telecom Operators Announce Tie-Up
Call it le Tie-Up.
5.
'Star Wars' is over, but Lucas is far from his end
In early stages of script writing for Howard the Duck 2: Quack in Action.
6.
Lopez: Kidney Transplant Changed My Life
It alllowed moe to live.
7.
RealNetworks Buys Mr. Goodliving for $15M
Couldn'r afford Dr. Feelgood.
8.
Dell Founder Invests $99.5M in Red Hat
Hat better be filled with gold, grant wishes and give blow jobs.
9.
NHTSA Won't Require SUV Fire Extinguishers
More likely to crush people than set them on fire.
10.
Experts: Flares May Have Helped Planets
Especially when pulled onto the shoulder changing a tire.

Heaven Can W8

1. Christians Urged to Adapt to Fluid World
God considering another flood

2. Grains, Soybeans Increase
Jesus visits Iowa

3. Block to Settle Suit Over Loan Program
Cartoon version of Rubik's Cube still trying to get on feet financially after failure of short-lived Saturday morning series

4. King Pharma Posts 1Q Profit on Sales Surge
Tells competitors "Now you not thinkin' yousa so smaaat"

5. Nevada Brothels Want to Be Good Neighbor
If you know what they mean...

6. Gay Men Respond Differently to Pheromones
One says "Ewwww!," another, "Phero-what, girlfriend?"

7. Ohio Death-Penalty Foes Seek Moratorium
They think that's the building where the bodies go.

8. Sordid tale of poker losses, loans and murder unfolds in Vegas courtroom
Is detailed in pages of book on the shelf at Goodwill.

FasTEN your seatbelts

1.
Gay Men Respond Differently to Pheromones
Along with just about everything else.
2.
Fired Worker Kills One at Calif. Clinic
Fired bullet kills one at Calif. Clinic
3.
Americans Aren't Planning for Hurricanes
People of North Dakota blowing the risks off entirely.
4.
Airline Passenger Death Ruled an Overdose
Despite beliefs to the contrary, those little bags of pretzels can add up.
5.
Rams' Stadium to Get New Playing Surface
To be filled to thigh depth with colorful plastic balls.
6.
Donovan Scores Twice As Galaxy Tops Rapids
Drugs fire imagination of psychedelic pop star.
7.
U.S. Struggles in 1-1 Tie With Ukraine
Next to try Ural, but only rolling two dice.
8.
Nintendo Mobile Game Machine Goes Online
Of its own accord. People urged to remain calm.
9.
Bush Praises Determination of Georgians
Bo and Luke cited specifically.
10.
Monkey Escapes From S.C. Island Laboratory
Island of Dr. Moreau not all it's cracked up to be.

867530 Nine

1. Bush Salutes Soviet Victory in Red Square
Bush suddenly loses support of NRA.

2. Bush in Georgia to support pro-West drive
Needed in Terre Haute

3. Talabani: Time not ripe to seek U.S. pullout
Talabani: The new face of organized crime in Afghanistan

4. Seven judges' futures hang in filibuster fight
Ironic, since each are known for sentencing hanging.

5. Stony Brook to Award Reeve With Degree
Overflowing banks, carrying with it possessions that were previously buried with Cal Tech professor of history.

6. Serena Williams Ready to Work in Rome
Hulking woman asked to please right the Tower of Pisa. (of course, she will have to catch the bus to Pisa first)

7. -Women-only train cars irritate some men
Unable to concentrate on work, keeping walking inadvertantly into pillars, guardrails.

8. Where is Russia headed?
Down to hole itself up in Indoneisia.

9. Duke to buy Cinergy for about $9 billion
Aquisition of bio-medical engineering facility raising a few eyebrows.

Force Ten from Navarone

1.
Bush Gets Seat of Honor for VE Observance
Bush gets 'seat of honor' for VD observance.
2.
Missing Vietnam Servicemen to Be Buried
Missing my ass!
3.
Family of Beheaded American Seeks Solace
And head.
4.
Soybeans, Grains Increase
Benefitted from ample rains moving across the island.
5.
Christian Conference Weighs Challenges
Weighs suspected witches to see if they'll float.
6.
Nash becomes first non-American to claim MVP honors
A great day for ugly white guys everywhere.
7.
Lawyer: Dotson Won't Use Insanity Defense
Though dottering fool's lax supervision of gym class seems to justify it.
8.
U.S. Forest Service Scales Back Burn Plan
Head of Forest Service, Grishnak, urged to 'cut them all down'
9.
Box: Ohio Mulls Stronger Animal Terror Ban
Advocates zoo at Guantanamo.
10.
Drilling Near Nuclear Blast Cavity Called Risky Business
Except in Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.