Fine Nine

1.Retail sales plunge 1.2 percent in September
Consumers report spending $98.80 on groceries instead of usual $100.
2. Bush, Paulson say economy's rebound will take time
Analogy referencing game of One Bounce missed by most.
3. Researchers expect hackers to prey on cell phones
Expect devout to pray on cell phones.
4. Dozens get gas in Wis. for 35 cents after mistake
Should not have eaten that chili.
5. Drunk passenger fails in attempted hijacking
Later, apologizes profusely, professes love for everyone.
6. Man wins contest with 1,528-pound pumpkin
Not a staring contest.
7. Obama Campaign Shows Up in Video Games
Obama does has Triforce.
8. McCain, advisers divided over Wright attack
McCain good friends with both Orville and Wilbur.
9.Brain signals revive paralyzed muscles in monkeys
Paving way for nearly unstoppable monkey army.

Formulate

1. Former presidents Bush, Clinton tour Ike damage
Clinton, disappointed thought they were 'touring' Tina Turner.
2. Second out-of-state teen abandoned at Omaha hospital
Nebraska to be new home of nation's asshole teens, supplanting CA.
3. Japan's core machinery orders plunge in August
Apples to be eaten the old fashioned way.
4. Bolivia's Morales kicks off march for constitution
Making good use of his 18 Charisma.
5. Tropical Storm Omar forms in Caribbean, Nana vanishes
Omar suspected.
6. Do Mouthwashes Work?
It's better than nothing you foul-breathed bastard.
7. Kidney surgery safe in select elderly patients
Especially those with healthy organs.
8. Ohio executes man who argued he was too fat to die
That'll show him.