Back from the Dead-lines

1. 'Fried Egg' of Azores could be impact crater from space.
In the unlikely event humanity has been wrong to this point and familiar white and yellow thing represents not a component of a protein-rich breakfast but, instead, a hole in the ground.

2. Muslims Say FBI Tactics Sow Anger, Fear
FBI to Muslims: Join the Fucking Club

3. Brain Damage Found in Hockey Player
Only one hockey player examined, to date.

4. At Mine's Bottom, Hints of Dark Matter.
At Mike's Bottom, Also Hints of Dark Matter.

5. Health Care Bill in balance without Nelson's vote
Nelson not voting at all. Waiting to see if it doesn't pass before issuing solitary, echo-y "HA-ha!"

6. Vegas CityCenter: Seen Through the Eyes of One Worker
That worker: RoboCop

7. Hi-Tech Dreams Dissipate for Furniture Workers
As "Magic-Finger" Hotel Bed Market Goes the Way of the Wainwrights

8. PGA Comissioner: Tour Will Survive Tiger's Absence.
He thought they were talking about a real tiger.

Ten Headlines a Hatchin'

1. Court blocks BA Christmas strike
Hannibal, Murdock, Face still set to walk off.
2. French launch major Afghan attack
First non-surrender in 175 years.
3. NFL to ask its players to donate brains for study
Zombies unexpectedly gain majority stake in football league.
4. Even after death, Roberts' hand to be felt at ORU
As part of creepy prank by various frat houses.
5. The five legal cases that defined the year in music
The only 'music' heard was the cha-ching of billable hours.
6. Surprising Truths About Santa's Reindeer
Actually genetically modified elves.
7. STDs Common Among Sexually Active Teen Girls in Cities
Unsurprisingly uncommon among inactive girls in country.
8. Israel: First Jesus-era house found in Nazareth
Much shittier than mangers of same era.
9. Storm-walloped East Coast returns to work — slowly
Storm better excuse than reality of office party hangover.
10. Loophole lets mentally ill Texas juveniles go free
Normally Texas requires all to be executed.