Fourskin

1. Ga. Bride-To-Be's Family Announces Reward
Much more civil alternative to historic "shotgun wedding"

2. Hijackers Linked to Library
Latest, boring sequel to "Die Hard"

3. New sheriff rose through the ranks
Well, if that don't beat all...

4. Political parties scramble for the grey vote
Munincipal restrictions on smokers becoming hot-button issue of 2005.

The Unforgotten

1.
Workers Charged in Driver License Scam
Caustic pair reputably gave favors for cigarettes.
2.
Cerberus in deal for Daimler unit

3.
Bayer optimistic after strong first quarter
Plan to insert second quarter before time elapses.
4.
Rice Calls for Acceleration of Democracy
Vows to step down, along with all of Bush administration
5.
East Timor, Australia Make Breakthrough on Gas Dispute
Conclude that one who smelled it, dealt it.
6.
Highlights of Bush's Press Conference
"Goodnight".
7.
Negroponte Takes Over Daily Bush Briefings
Laura continues with duty of debriefing.
8.
Scientists Find T. Rex Relative in Georgia
Living a quiet life in the suburbs of Atlanta.
9.
Kenyan Women Take Risks with Backstreet Abortions
Popular music group tries out new subsidiary in third world.
10.
New Sleeping Pill Promises Long-Term Results
Common side effects include death.

Scarecrow and the Ten-Man

1. The Unmaking of the Mob Men
Traced to the decline in everyday use of pitchforks, torches.

2. House Votes to Rescind Ethics Rules
Promptly begin violently flailing about, distributing child-porn.

3. Sentencing of Man in LAX Bomb Plot Delayed
Device, intended to have laxative-like effect on people within detonation zone, called "mother of all 'dirty bombs'"

4. A nice ride, fancy rims, a death in a dark alley
Sturdy Frame finally goes apeshit on dickhead neighbor.

5. State of buildings decried
Make possibility of Coriscant-like Earth look more unlikely than ever

6. Solo artists
Doing caricatures for $5 a pop at the Star Wars convention

7. Moussaoui Hopes to Avoid Death Penalty
2nd Wish is for updated AP File Photo

8. Japanese Rethink Trains After Deadly Crash
Godzilla-proof plating seriously limiting viewing range of conductors.

9. Battle Over Benches Spills Across Pews
Tumble of cowboys, townsfolk, and faggots makes it's way across Hollywood backlot.

10. Town Debates Plans for Liquefied Gas
Looking at almost any alternative to burying underwear in back yard.

Five Alive

1. Kin Testify in Iraq Grenade Attack Trial
Judge issues stern warning after outburst of authentic frontier gibberish

2. Rights Group: Abu Ghraib Abuses 'Tip of Iceberg'
Iceberg left feeling humiliated and scarred. Does their heinousness know no bounds?

3. Embattled DeLay gets a lift from president
Can no longer risk lobbyists paying for his transportation

4. Cassini Finds Organic Material on Titan
It-a looksa lika cheese!

5. Steady Diet of Soy Cuts Breast Cancer Risk
Increases suicide risk

Cheron & the River Six

1. U.S. Arrests Reputed Afghan Drug Lord
Drug Lord Had Been Hiding Out with His Host of Angel Dust

2. Playoffs bring Webber home (AP)
Wolverine Alumnus Offer to Buy Him SUV if He Wins

3. Pope Benedict XVI Shows Humor and Warmth
Blesses Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes

4. States Prepare Disaster Plans for Animals
Escape routes lined with trail of Milk Bones.

5. Wis. Man Tells Police He Froze Dead Mother
Though not necessarily in that order.

6. Supreme Court: Fraud Law Covers Smuggling Scheme
Law wouldn't be necessary at all if Storm Troopers would take the time to just tap around on the floorboards a bit.

Many TENtacled monster

1.
New Windows Operates on 64-Bit Computers
64 bit computers only available in wild west, and at Walmart.
2.
Feds Indict 14 Reputed Chicago Mob Figures
Al Capone's vault finally pays dividends.
3.
Man Says 7-Year-Old Joke Led to Killing
Finally got it.
4.
Sunnis Drop Demand for Iraq's New Cabinet
Willing to settle for any sort of container, a place to put their Shiite.
5.
Insurgent Violence Escalates In Iraq
Schools, hospitals, crops destroyed at an alarming rate.
6.
Casino Camera Operators Accused of Ogling
Excessive orders of paper towels their downfall.
7.
Bill Would Put Serial Numbers on Bullets
What's stopping him?
8.
Rights Group: Abu Ghraib Abuses 'Tip of Iceberg'
Apparently human pyramids weren't the only things they were making.
9.
House Speaker Ready to Scrap Ethics Rules
Senate set to become modern day version of Tombstone.
10.
Exploding Toads Puzzle German Scientists
German teens Hans and Fritz hide in bushes and try to keep from laughing, a full box of M80's at their feet.