Eight Geese a Laying

U.S. Airline Screenings to Get More Strict
To include SAT.

Groups Decry Muslim Scholar's Visa Denial
"He will be very disappointed without 0% until March 2005."

Six Tenn. Teens Charged in Beating Death
Still alive.

Woods, Mickelson to Team Up in Ryder Cup
Expect yucks equal to Nolte/Murphy in 48 hours.

NHL Hockey Players Start Looking for Work
Not much call for burly guys who can skate - outlook grim.

Irish Defensive Line Shuts Down Opponents
"Your mother is a Banshee!" stops them everytime.

Bush Sends Intelligence Bill to Congress
Intelligence Bill always leaves 'em rolling in the aisles.

Bacteria in Soil Kill 24 in Singapore
Molemen everywhere understandably alarmed.

Nine Kings of Men

Hurricane Ivan Blasts Alabama, Kills 12
Mobile homes prove to be EXTREMELY mobile.

Randy Johnson Hits Strikeout Milestone
Considers changing pick-up line

U.S. Says New Images Show Iran Plans Nuke Bomb
"Hey! Aren't those the same pictures you said were mobile weapons labs?"

Germany's neo-Nazis change look to attract disgruntled voters
No self-respecting gruntled voter would come near them.

Ex-U.S. Official Charged With Concealment
Nude dress code at State Department regularly violated.

Mello Upsets Fish at Delray Beach
Much vomiting ensued.

Exercise, Diet Cut Diabetes Risk in Sedentary Men
No shit.

Parents Don't Regret Talking About Death
Really sucks the fun out of holidays however.

U.S. to Pay for Brain Scans to Diagnose Alzheimer's
Starting with Republican presidents.

Twelve Ladies Waiting

1. He Has His Walking Points
Three-year old making observation as brother heads off to track wearing spikes.

2. Frogtown community center could result if $25 million is awarded in Salvation Army competition
Unfortunately, continued spiral into urban decay will result in the infinitely more likely scenario that they are NOT awarded $25 million in a Salvation Army competition

3. Mexico Migrant Smugglers Turning to Sea
Problem #1: Where to put it? Problem #2: Who's gonna buy it?

4. Jeanne Slams Into Puerto Rico; 2 Dead
"Ooh! Whoopsy! Sorry 'bout that, dontcha know!"

5. Accused U.S. Deserter in Army Housing
"Christ! Where am I SUPPOSED to sleep?"

6. New Iraq Attacks Are More Sophisticated
Jeep-mounted, automatic shrimp forks.

7. Ex-Cop Accused of Planning Russia Siege
Chief "doesn't approve of his methods"

8. U.S. Accuses Researchers of Animal Abuse
Scientists explain they were studying long-term effects of animal abuse.

9. U.S. Signs Colorado River Protection Pact
Plants to extract harmful pollutant oil from surrounding land.

10. Inventor Develops Nose-Steered Web Surfing System
Seels rights to leading search engine Yachoo!

11. Parents Regret Not Discussing Death with Dying Children
Have told dying children they were in pain, getting weaker because they made Santa Claus mad

12. Blood Test Predicts Odds Against Ovarian Cancer
Elderly bet on it, ironically curing them

Swelve

NHL Will Lock Out Players on Thursday
Many NHL players will try their keys furiously anyway.

New Orleans Urges People to Take Shelter
Take food, take anything, and go to Nebraska.

Ousted Fla. Election Chief 'Crucified'
Crazy Mel Gibson grinning maniacally.

Factories Bright Spot Amid Output Growth
Doing their best to keep income up, population down.

IMF sees stronger global financial system
EMF sees no future at all.

Best Buy Profit Up, Outlook Bright
Desperately looking for new sites, new paradigms.

Israel Kills 10 People, Says Not Following Roadmap
Map not detailed enough to show difference between sidewalks/roads.

American Indian Museum Stands Out in Washington
One lonely tear falls gently down its face.

Wall-Eye May Have Helped Rembrandt's Vision
May have pissed him off, never painting what he was actually looking at.

Flashlight Takes Batteries of Any Size
Still doesn't work.

Size Matters When It Comes to Nostrils
Especially related to pickin'

Cheeks Replace Damaged Eyes in Japanese Study
Former NBA star has plenty of time on his hands, likes sushi.

Six licks

Sharon Says He Will Not Follow Road Map
Wife urges him to stop and ask for directions

Ivan Batters Cuba, Could Have Been Worse
Could have used Shake and Bake

Bonds Beats Brewers With His Arm, Not Bat
Injuries much less serious

Blurry Image Might Be First Picture of Exoplanet
Might be Bermuda

Impotence Common After Radiation, Surgery on Prostate
Only microwaving your penis is worse

Australia-Austrian project to fight cancer with sea sponges
We know who's supplying the sponges.

Late night

Noah's Cosmic Ark: Preserving DNA on the Moon
"One small 'gooooosh' for mankind."

Contractor's Bag Full of Explosives at JFK
Lucky for him he's already dead.

Lightning Hurts Football Players, Coaches
Especially the ones it strikes.

Teachers Lose Tax Breaks for Supplies
Forced to 'leave that paste behind'

All Australians accounted for in Iraq: Downer
Not if you're an Australian it's not

Gambling Linked to Good Health in Elderly
Good thing since have blown all Medicare premiums on $2 slots

Senior Democrat Seeks Probe of Ashcroft
Can't believe he's actually human

FEMA Gets 300,000 Hurricane Claims
6 of which were from Evansdale.

The Nine Cannot be Destroyed

1. Employers Urge Workers to Improve Writing
"Or learn about computers or something because you're not gonna be around here much longer," they add.

2. Putin, Citing Terror Threat, Moves to Centralize Power
Moves all forces into Middle East, leaving borders of Siam, Ural, Kamchatka virtually unprotected.

3. 2 Very Different Cures for Healthcare Crisis
Replacing hospitals with factories; building housing developments out on that little southeastern penninsula.

4. U.S. Attacks an Iraqi City With Double-Edged Sword
Uruk-Hai attack Fellowship with, apparently, no-edged sword.

5. Sudan Minister Contests Number of Dead
Eventually collapses under the pile of attacking zombies

6. AP: Israel Sends Experts to Help Russia
Among them Gilligan's Island Professor, Phil Jackson (master of the triangle offense), and that guy that repairs tents at Midwest Mountaineering.

7. Iraqis Plead With U.S. to Return to City
New York City

8. Barrage of Hurricanes May Just Be Florida Normality
Unless you believe in "science"

9. Government Fines University of Phoenix
Further, 2003 graduates order to email back their degrees.

Slick Six + 3

Fla., La. Residents Prepare to Flee Ivan
As soon as you 'prepare' it doesn't seem like fleeing.

Officials Warn Poll Worker Shortage Looms
Strip club owner: no shortage of pole workers.

Powell, Ridge Endorse Strong Intel Chief
In fact, support Apache Chief.

U2 to Release 'Atomic Bomb' in November
Tired of trying to change the world with music.

'You're Fired!' Leads List of Popular TV Phrases
Soon to join 'Where's the Beef?' and 'Whazzup?' as phrase that will get you beat up.

Anita Baker Says 'You're My Everything' Is Uplifting
And needy.

Ashton Kutcher's Restaurant Burglarized
"Dude, Where's My Spoons" planned

Pitcher Arrested After Oakland Brawl
Touring company of Beauty and the Beast on Ice goes on a cocaine bender.

Film Planned on McVeigh's Father
With shirt off, pasty white skin provides excellent clarity.

Ten little injuns

Lions Win First Away Game in Three Years
Despite being hampered by trees.

Siegfried, Roy inspire Shriver
Also inspire shivver.

Indian Software Boom on Track, Industry Head Says
Industry head says lots of things.

IBM's Open-Source Lovefest
The time: 1974. The place: IBM Headquarters. Boom chaka boom BOW.

Dutch Professor Gets Swedish Science Prize
On Ebay

Scientists Say Mauna Loa May Soon Erupt
Their model created using baking soda inside a dough-like volcano says so

Aluminum Can Kill Salmon River Parasites-Study
Can kill just about everything in large enough doses.

Spain Says Last Oil Sucked Out of Prestige Tanker
Spanish whores employed to ensure every last drop removed.

Many Women Get First Mammogram, Delay Further Ones
Having breast smashed by cold metal plate not all it was advertised

Hospital Halts Surgery to Separate German Twins
Not actually twins just unbelievably fucking fat

The Elite Eight

1. Train Hits Car-Carrier Full of Porsches
Thus concludes the 2nd week of filming for Cannonball Run 3

2. Foxx Gets Oscar Buzz as Music Icon Ray Charles
Redd Foxx's portrayal of the corpse of Ray Charles called "mesmerizing"

3. Mauresmo Up to No. 1; Henin-Hardenne 4th
Excitement is in the air on day 3 of the world pantomime semifinals

4. Sooners' Peterson Unimpressed by His Games
All-male Olympics inspired by Lillith Fair just wasn't promoted enough

5. Video game pioneer shoots for next level with cell phones
Oregon Trail II successfully hacked

6. Phone Makers Turn On Mobile TV
Romance as depicted in new Herbie Hancock video

7. Dutch Professor Gets Swedish Science Prize
A device capable of beaming you across the Baltic Sea

8. Green-shirt patrol embraces call to end violence
After desperate plea by red-shirt patrol to end violence

Eightless

Official: Russia Has Right to Hit Bases
In fact: touching all the bases mandatory

Actor Bids Fond Farewell to C-3PO
Won't miss time he was blown to bits and incorrectly reconstructed by actor playing Chewbacca

'Urinetown''s Hollmann and Kotis Play Hollmann and Kotis in New Kotis Play 'Eat the Taste'
What!? Taste urine?

Chiefs-Broncos Game Could Be Pivotal
With only 16 games left in the season, every game matters

Dolphins' Fiedler Not Happy About Benching
Prefers Universal machines to free weights

Edwards Visits N.C. Flooded by Hurricane
3 Hurricanes actually, and he could barely stand.

Bush Visits Embassy, Offers Condolences
Considered offering Condoleeza, but slavery was outlawed in 1865.

Scientists Recover Critical Genesis Parts
Fig leaves, apple core among them