Seven Castaways

1. $200 million pledged to Clinton's initiative
Major manufacturers of women's blouses subsidized to replace front buttons with velcro.

2. Groups Challenge Abstinence Curriculum
Go at it right on the classroom floor

3. Health Tip: Make Your Stairs Safer
Have them lead somewhere, such as an upper level

4. Anti-cancer compound found in beans, nuts, cereals
Rendering the cause of testicular cancer a complete mystery

5. Suffer, little children: Katrina's smallest victims face long-term problems
Bush doesn't realize microphone is on for first half of first sentence of last night's speech to nation

6. Dolphins Lost During Hurricane Rescued
Rescued from dangers of the open sea, now safely back within confines of plexiglass aquarium

7. Sweden Gears Up to Celebrate Garbo's 100th
Residents preparing to strip naked, cling from their ceiling fans, and smear shit-circles around their eyes

10 - live with it.

1. Nation Hears Bush With Skepticism, Hope
Hope spurred by 2 term limit.
2. Many Churches Heed Bush's Call for Prayer
Some just engage in coincidental praying.
3. Investment-Bank Bear Stearns Beats Targets
Supposed to shoot at them.
4. Wolverines' Woods Finishes Up His Studies
20 years after graduating magna cum laude.
5. Magic mudhole is game's big secret
T-Clog's too.
6. Nintendo Produces New Remote Control
Recycles gun from Duck Hunt.
7. Nintendo unveils next-generation game controller
Includes 42 separate buttons and 7 joysticks.
8. Survey Finds More Women Try Bisexuality
More men want to watch.
9. Corps of Engineers Admits Sandbag Error
Lazy defense doomed them in game against DOD.
10. Fish Used to Assess Environment Damage
Though not of their own volition.

Outsiders

Cows and trail cameras are a bad combination
Because cows can't push down the shutter button.

A few changes made in hunting rules
Prey get to shoot back as of September 22nd.

Why bowhunters don't convert in the 'Red Zone'
Who in their right mind wants to catch an arrow?

Don't forget the walleyes this fall
And don't forget the wallears, mouth, and nose.

Helleven

1. Grieving Clemens Wins After Mom's Death
Blames each opposing batter for her death.
2. Architect Offers Changes to 9/11 Memorial
Every architect, unable to contain their critical nature.
3. Plan to Blow Up Rudolph Truck Upsets Some
Encourages yahoos everywhere.
4. Egypt's Culture Minister Resigns Over Fire
Frankenstein's attempts to join mainstream hits setback.
5. Beloved History Book Gets Translation
Inadvertantly by near illiterate Western Cultures teacher.
6. Calif. Gov. All but Says He'll Run Again
With all speeches couched in stale one-liners, it's hard to be certain.
7. Democrats Rally Behind NYC Primary Winner
Not realizing he is a Republican cyborg.
8. Entangled Whale Calf Frees Itself
Using a flashlight and bolt cutters.
9. Frozen-thawed ovaries transplanted in sheep
And you thought brain freeze (ice-cream headache) was bad.
10. New Warning Issued for Colorectal Drug
Only effective if taken orally.
11. True age revealed in tooth enamel
Mighty Tom actually from the Bronze Age.

Wednesday Morning, 11 a.m.

1. Man Ordered to Stay Away From Aniston
A somewhat belated and curious 11th Commandment

2. B.B. King looks back at 80 years of blues
Considers Zoloft

3. Fox Reality adds news show to lineup
Still waiting on Fox News to add Reality

4. Pa. Screening Schoolchildren for Obesity
If they don't fit behind screen, they're obese

5. Fossils reveal flying prehistoric giants
Burns in brain found among fossils of ground dwellers who must've chanced to look up their tunics from below.

6. Petro-Canada puts Syrian assets on the block
Petro Fleming sells syringe assets on another block

7. Scientists Reconsider Habitability of Saturn's Moon
Along with pretty much anyone else of intellect, conscience.

8. Sprint Customers Get Sirius
Whereabouts of disembodied Harry Potter father figure now determined to be wireless etherworld.

9. All Eyes on Crosby at First NHL Practice
He's doing that routine about flushing Rudi down the toilet again

10. Francis Skates Away After 23 NHL Seasons
Splitting the carpet right down to the pad and leaving a trail of sparks down 11th Avenue.

11. Fla. Coach Happy to Be Back Behind Bench
Can tell who's ready to go in the game by how much their buttocks are quivering.

She's only seventeen.

1. Police Searching For Bank Robber
Good.
2. Ophelia Lashes N.C. Coast With Rain, Surf
Better than last year's Hurricane Gargamel.
3. US economy seen as strong ahead of Katrina
Use of New Orleans levee analogy scrapped.
4. Bouygues reports 39 percent jump in first half net earnings
Bogues reports 39 inch vertical.
5. Terror Leader in Iraq Declares War on Tape
Sings praises of 'the glue of Allah'.
6. Chile Court Strips Pinochet of Immunity
Immediately stricken with pesky head cold.
7. Fujimori a lightning rod for Peruvians in Japan
Demands to be removed from pagoda roof.
8. Dutch to Open Electronic Files on Children
Covering them with a fine powder of ones and zeros.
9. Ex-Child Guitar Prodigy Sexton Reflects
Found innocent of vampirism.
10. Author Bushnell Explores Powerful Women
Binocular Bushnell explores women of all types.
11. Weiner Bows Out of NYC Mayoral Primary
Returns to bun.
12. Radioactive Waste on Track to Be Moved
Engineer guiding train straight for it relieved, hope they do it soon, since this damn thing doesn't stop too freaking easily.
13. Runway Safety System Called Inadequate
Audience littered with chunks of frail supermodels.
14. Hubble spies homeless black hole
Katrina's swath of destruction encompasses entire universe.
15. Ex-Shuttle Chief to Lead Ark. Space Center
Space shuttle up on blocks in the front yard.
16. Consumer Reports Finds New-Car Window Stickers Vastly Overstate Vehicle Fuel Economy Ratings; Photo Available
In 8x10 and wallet size.
17. Heavy drinking tied to heart rhythm problem in men
Low levels of melanin in skin linked to rhythm problem in white men.

In a Bind, Because I'm Writin Nine, But I'm Willin to make a Deal

1. Michael Recruits Pals for Relief Song
Sends "recruiters" to sets of Sesame Street, Barney.

2. Louisiana towns rebound, death toll rises
Zombies now occupying variety of service and labor positions.

3. Many women fail to get regular mammograms
Are getting fake, perverted ones.

4. Protein diet plus exercise equals more weight loss
ANYTHING plus exercise equals more weight loss. That, unfortunately, is the problem.

5. China police bust fake Viagra gang
Gang member absent-mindedly sticks cucumber in BACK of his pants.

6. Aspirin Might Counter Side Effects of Cox-2 Painkillers
Cox-2 developed as aspirin alternative.

7. Experts: Headphones Worsen Hearing Loss
Effects lessened by prying one earpiece off and saying, "Huh?"

8. Years of Research Ruined in Katrina Flood
New Orleans had been used as control in "flood-free cities" study.

9. Black Hole Lurks in Invisible Galaxy
Posing imminent treat to planet of Unicorns
to planet of Unicorns

International Eight - from The Scotsman - Scotland's National Newspaper

1. Nurturing the difficult child can bring surprising rewards
Like a hitman who owes you a favor later in life.
2. Riddle underlines belief in strategy with bold 30,000 tourist target
Plans to roll out italics at next meeting.
3. Inflation may top 3% but we are a long way from the 1970s
Non-sequitirs be damned!
4. High-flying Scots join the international jet set to avoid the herd
Previous implications of intimate herd relations overblown.
5. Saga attracts ageing listeners back to radio
Taking advantage of volume nob coupled with failing eyesight.
6. Boots taken to task over its claims for cellulite treatment
Reminded they're made for walkin'.
7. A case of packing the wrong horse
I mean picking.
8. McLeish revels in satisfying night as reorganised Rangers triumph
Another successful gang bang.

T-Clogged What?

Vikings notes: Bengal gives Smoot incentive to play well
Bengals offer Smoot a name change and a guarantee that a tiger won't eat his liver.

Rochester's volunteers stuck on sidelines during Katrina rescues
Katrina, at 380 lbs, fell on a male cheerleader'e head when the attempt to hold her up over his head failed. The football game was called because he suffocated inside her butt.

Diez mas

1. Paltrow, Madden Reunite to Find 'Proof'
Telestrator to be employed on DVD commentary for first time.
2. Clemson's Bowden Wants More Collisions
And not just mere collisons.
3. Children Made to Sleep in Cages in Ohio
All children.
4. Hunter Testifies About Fatal Shootings
Deer do not.
5. Texas Parole Board Rejects Clemency Plea
Headline writer considers making this headline into a stamp.
6. Egypt, Gaza Residents Freely Cross Border
Middle East remains critical connection to Asia.
7. Blogs can help boost a career or sink it
Or in most cases, have no effect whatsoever.
8. Microsoft: Office 12 to Anticipate Needs
Clippy to change into whatever anthropomorphic office supply it thinks you want it to be.
9. My ROKR doesn't rock
Or spellcheck.
10. Acting FEMA Head Has Hurricane Experience
Drinking them.

My First Little Headline

Iowa State Wrestling Has Top Rated Recruiting Class
However, the class is worth only one undergraduate credit hour.

Minnesota's best 'are too busy to be answering polls'
The innocent Polish childern on a field trip to Best Buy Corp. are asking GIS specialists and Map Makers where they can go to get a copy of Camden Garden.

Wilf wants to be more hands-on with Vikings
The Vikings declined the offer and asked that he keeps a distance of at least five feet.

Suicidal Elevensies

1. Roberts Vows to Judge Cases by Rule of Law
Disavows earlier use of Magic Eight Ball.
2. Winemakers try to appeal to younger, hip crowd
Bartels and James come out of retirement.
3. Afghans Urged to Back Honest Candidates
US citizens not.
4. Bonds Nearly Homers in Season Debut
Lack of steroids has immediate impact.
5. Analysis Sees Deficits Growing Under Bush
Both moral and fiscal.
6. Point May Be Oldest Idaho Human Artifact
Far older than line found previously.
7. Japanese Space Probe Reaches Asteroid
Shoots it, breaking it in half.
8. Genes Show Signs Brain Still Evolving
Though does not seem to be true in all people.
9. Scientists find growing land bulge in Oregon
Actually Paul Bunyan in the midst of an erotic dream.
10. Researchers Find No Obesity, Sprawl Link
Except among individuals.
11. New Orleans Airport, Waterfront to Reopen
Waterfront newly expanded.