George Tenet

1. Convicted Spy Pollard Loses Appeal
Maybe its the toll years of hardened prison life has taken on his face, or maybe it's just the plunger up his anus.

2. Activists Lack Allies in Battling Court Pick
Group of nerdy policy wonks begin excrutiatingly long set up for eventual rousing game of Activists & Allies.

3. 4-Bomb Plot Puts London Back on Edge -
Leader of terrorists former Gillette executive. Leader of rival terrorists, former Bic executive, begins plans for a 5-Bomb Plot.

4. MIA's new leader plans to expand on solid foundation
Aims to escape from Vietnamese Tiger Pit after adding to growing staircase of his own, now-hardened, shit.

5. LIFE OF PAYNE
You try working at McDonalds in Mason City with everyone still calling you "Freshman Sensation."

6. Allergic fans safe at home
For Luke Ridnour has just stepped out of the locker room.

7. After the Fall, Still Paradise
Two previously forgotten Whitesnake albums unearthed in the bargain cassette bin at that Big Steer Conoco.

8. Hewlett-Packard, a Pioneer in Technology, to Cut 14,500 Jobs
Appropriately, to replace with robots.

9. News Corp. to Acquire MySpace
Live feeds from my laundry room, reporters rummaging through my silverware; it's awful!

10. Polluting Now to Save Trees in the Future
The flimsy rationale behind strategically-placed bottles containing cheap trinkets, questionable fluids.

Unbelievably - 10 more

1.
Specter Promises Fair Hearings for Roberts
Ghost of Christmas Past expands mandate.
2.
Wie, Sorenstam Struggle at Evian Masters
Good golfers, bad swimmers.
3.
Christian Catacombs May Have Jewish Origin
No original ideas from Christians after all.
4.
DNA Samples Taken in Missing Teen Case
Presumably not from teen.
5.
Brain-Dead Woman's Fetus Hits Milestone
300th home run.
6.
Draft of Iraq constitution expected in days
Busy photocopying US Constitution at Baghdad Kinkos.
7.
Saudi security forces uncover militant arms cache
Way more lefts than rights.
8.
Germany Remembers Hitler Coup Plotters
Looking back, sort of wish they'd succeeded.
9.
Warrant Issued for Ex-Guatemalan Leader
Planning to play at his son's birthday party.
10.
Pentagon: China Building Up Its Military
Has seen photos of vast army of 'stone-faced' soldiers. Maybe in National Geographic.

21 Gun Salute

1.
Roberts Could Leave Conservative Imprint
If dropped into sand.
2.
Man Accused of Hitting Vietnamese Official
Only after having nuts grabbed.
3.
Victim: Rudolph Acquitted in Mock Trials
Found guilty in mock headlines.
4.
Pentagon names new chief Guantanamo defense lawyer
Lionel Hutz.
5.
Colombia Names Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales much easier to say than John Ashcroft.
6.
No safety standards exist for pool where Quebec girl drowned
It was a pool of her own saliva.
7.
Blair Proposes Islam Extremism Conference
To cut down on extremist travel expenses, suggests Baghdad.
8.
'Star Trek' Star James Doohan Dies
Truly 'canna give 'er any more.'
9.
Defense Opens in Diaz Topless Photos Trial
His zipper, during late night evidence review.
10.
Online pirates pounce on new Harry Potter book
Still sells more books than Jesus.
11.
Pistons Let Brown Go, Reach Settlement
With Fedex.
12.
Amir Khan Quickly Wins First Pro Fight
Not likely to fare as well versus Khan Noonien Singh.
13.
Parents group urges recall of video game 'GTA'
After failing to control their own children.
14.
Gates Puzzled by Computer Science Apathy
God knows HE loved it.
15.
Bush Says Government Focused on Security
Thinks about it ever' day. Ever' day.
16.
Bush's Intelligence Briefing Gets Overhaul
Now with improved cherry flavoring.
17.
Hispanic Children at a Glance
Don't stare too long, they might rob you.
18.
Experts Say Arkansas May Have Earthquake
Can't decide how best to explain it to the locals. May say it was a semi driving close to the house.
19.
U.S. lawmakers push a longer day to save energy
Considers using nuclear weapons to alter Earth's orbit.
20.
Health of America's Kids Continues to Improve
Except for rapidly growing number of fat kids.
21.
Yersinia enterocolitica
Galactic Bounty Hunter.

Spit Ten and cussin'

1.
RNC Raised $59.4M in First Half of Year
Planning on using money to create secret hidout inside of a dead volcano.
2.
Hair Found on Aruba Shore to Be Tested
Hairs found behind poster to be left alone.
3.
Unrepentant Rudolph Gets Life Sentence
"Next time maybe they'll let me play in their games."
4.
Clinton takes cheap AIDS drugs to African children
Bush takes cheap AIDS drugs from African children.
5.
Va. Gubernatorial Candidates Square Off
W. VA candidates square dance off.
6.
Iraq Premier Visits Iran to Build Ties
Loves that Persian silk.
7.
US may need animal-health czar to protect consumer
Czar Nicholas II, back from the dead, pissed, tired of his title being overused.
8.
Hippo, Believed Among Oldest, Turns 54
Still hungry.
9.
Ex-Shrimper a Self-Taught Genetics Expert
The saga of Forrest Gump continues.
10.
Being smart no guarantee to happiness in old age
Ignorance throughout life seen as key to happiness.