Serpentine Nine

1. 9-Year-Olds Said Better in Math, Reading
Than president

2. Review: 'Happy Endings' Delivers on Title
You're happy when it ends.

3. Senators fight hidden sex in 'Grand Theft Auto'
14 year old boys bitterly disappointed as playing latest version of game eerily similar to watching C-SPAN.

4. Independence Day for Transformers
Go-Bots seeking out Hessians for some assistance

5. Drug combo ups breast cancer survival-study
One pill for each breast

6. Lobotomy Back in Spotlight After 30 Years
Less opting for a simple "bottle in front a' me"

7. Bush urged to back expanded stem cell research
Scientists begin aquiring stem cells from Star Trek's James Doohan.

8. UK bomber met Islamabad church bomber in '03-source
Thanks, Singles.com!

9. Triple suicide attack raises questions in Iraq
Did the three guys who ran into the middle of an Iraqi policeman recruiting station and stabbed themselves in the chest simply misunderstand instructions?

The Air Was Getting Tense

1. P. Diddy Closes Book on Suit
One of countless seemingly harmless incidents that will result in P. Diddy buying new suit.

2. Glance at Space Shuttle Crew
See your reflection in seven different pairs of glasses.

3. Geologist: Laguna Landslide Predictable
Try it again, with a little more Kahlua and a little less chocolate.

4. Shuttle Launch Has Meaning for Texas Town
The cage you send the broncos out from at the Concho County Rodeo.

5. Dinosaurs Breathed Like Birds
Sang "Camptown Races"

6. S.Korean scientists produce cloned pigs for organ transplant
Rich, fat American transplant patients soon to have lungs replaced by cloned pigs.

7. Chlamydia common in United States-survey
Particularly disturbing is the fact that this was survey of most popular baby names.

8. Calif. Election Cycle Burns Out Voters
Californians trying to figure out why they are required to complete 15 laps in Velodrome before entering voting booth

9. Wisconsin Study Shows About 1 in 5 Obese
Of course, that study was conducted on a statewide sample pool made up entirely of members from high school cross country teams.

10. Study: What's Good Often Turns Out Bad
The alternate title to: Chlamydia common in United States-survey

12 of 13

1.
Subject: Staying Alive
Whether your a mother or whether your a lover.
2.
Idaho Boy Dies in Apparent Choking Game
Leaving no doubt as to the winner.
3.
Teen wife charged with assault for shooting husband in the groin
Stands to win $100,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.
4.
Fiance: Woman was slain before going home to tell parents her wedding plans
Parents nonplussed by zombie daughter delivering news.
5.
Stocks Mixed As Investors Measure Data
Every fully functional inch of him.
6.
Palestinian Poet Lashes Out at Militants
Pen proven less mighty than sword.
7.
P. Diddy Closes Book on Suit
Gets ink all over.
8.
Thomas Hearns Returns to Fight John Long
In the privacy of his own home, but still on pay-per-view.
9.
SEC Chairman Nominee Has Large Holdings
Returns to fight John Long.
10.
Male fertility not harmed by phthalates-study
Studied and reported by Daffy Duck
11.
Levitra works for up to 10 hrs - study
When used in conjunction with an asbestos vagina.
12.
Glance at Space Shuttle Crew
Don't stare, they're shy.

11 for 12

1.
Fla. residents keep Dennis in perspective
Human vision allows only that option.
2.
Wis. Man Saves Boy From Trash Compactor
Thought he was beer.
3.
Mo. Prosecutors Look Into 1995 Execution
Begin all sentences with 'we can never bring him back, but...'
4.
Tennessee Sisters Recovering From Bombing
Their talent show act universally panned.
5.
Job openings drop, hirings rise in May
Coincidence?
6.
Suicide Attacker Kills Two at Israel Mall
Despondent Gap employee finally had enough.
7.
Paris Mayor Says Blair, Coe 'Crossed Line'
Defended Olympic bid with Maginot Line. Failed again.
8.
Internet surfing tops list of workplace time wasters
Not including search for funny headlines.
9.
Expert: Real Shuttle Flight Can Help NASA
Though admit to efficacy of fake moon landings.
10.
US Supreme Court vacancy to be filled by October: lawmakers
Miss October, with cameras in the courtroom and the judges' private chambers.
11.
Manitoba says half of crops look average or better
Other half average or worse.

The 3 Tenors

1. Thousands Mark Srebrenica Massacre Date
A day to commemorate teacher's attempted pronounciation of Maria Srebrenica's name on her first day of West High Western Cultures class.

2. Wildfire Threatens 750 Buildings in Colo.
Firefighters urged to stop counting buildings, start forming water brigade.

3. Srebrenica's Scars May Never Fade
Recitation on name on classroom attendance started, stopped in failure, and begun again four tmes until a complete, 5-second version was uttered, with an absurdly loud and drawn out "'NI-CA" at the very end.

4. Students will race solar-powered car
I'm betting $50 on the students.

5. Event will have bikers riding the Range -
Members of Bruce Hornsby's former backup band know they've hit rock bottom as they are jeered and tormented by a group of skinny, florescent neoprene-wearing, helmeted freaks.

6. Kobe Bryant back in Nike ads (AP)
Hawking new shoe, the Rapier.

7. Roberts signs with Grizzlies (AP)
As team doctor. Many Trailblazers now requesting trade.

8. Two Planes Collide in Del.; Pilot Killed
Other pilot being question under suspicion of being Superman, The Thing, or The Vampire Lestat.

9. Men Face Trial in Ga. Sheriff's Slaying
Sherriff Little finally ripped the doors off the wrong car.

10. Gov't Expands Energy Conservation Program
Energy-consuming photosynthesis down nearly 200%

Better late, ten never

1.
Police Still Using Matrix-Type Database
DMV still using matrix-type printer
2.
Many Florida Residents to Ride Out Dennis
REO Speedwagon blasting from stereo, until power cut, by irate neighbors.
3.
NAACP Chair Renews Attack on Conservatives
Changes height, back position at unexpected times.
4.
Unocal Sells Unit to Pogo for $1.8 Billion
Old comic strip bides its time waiting for the right moment to return to prominence.
5.
Ford Begins Selling Second Hybrid Vehicle
Owner to pick it up Saturday.
6.
Skateboarder Clears Great Wall of China
Redfines barbarian.
7.
Hip hop mogul Russell Simmons denies partnership with McDonald's
Quickly wipes special sauce from his mouth.
8.
Partners Worried As Microsoft Thinks Small
Microsoft just trying to make it last.
9.
Apache faces Web services security spec roadblock
Apache Chief has answer - 'enuk chuk'.
10.
Three States Eligible for Hurricane Aid
Inexplicably including Idaho.