Nine....times....

1. Bin Laden slams EU over prophet cartoons
Criticism takes the form of a daily blog decrying the implausible situations the prophet is shown in.
2. War protesters halt traffic, recall dead
Post apocalyptic survivors halt dead, recall traffic.
3. Japan appoints cartoon ambassador
Hello Kitty wins close vote with Seizure Robots.
4. Delta jet makes emergency landing in SC
Passengers immediately set upon and eaten by hillbillies.
5. Leader of body parts scheme makes plea
"Send me your body parts!"
6. Jury awards $590 million in Reno killing
"Just to watch him die" not seen as valid defense.
7. Flashy lawmakers take seats in Pakistan
Those nearby urged not to look directly at them.
8. Lewinsky and the first lady
Sometimes Bill just watched.
9. Ukraine, Russia resolve gas disagreement
Using tried and true "smelt it, dealt it" axiom.

Giving Some Head Lines

1. Seventeen-year-old accused of assault, fathering child
At the same time? This man is a Kingon.
2. FEMA to Minnesotans: Be prepared for flooding
Cause we aren't.
3. Plastic Easter eggs linked to lead paint
Who paints plastic Easter Eggs? Chinese factories reach now low: now just adding lead paint to random things out of spite.
4. Small ND campus turns international
Canadian enrolls.
5. Obama confronts racial division in US
Organizes major network simulcast of Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
6. Pope adds depth at linebacker, special teams
Broncos will suck this year, but at least no other team will dare suggest favor of the Lord after scoring on them.
7. Wolves won't mail it in
But it will be hard to tell.
8. Jefferson does the job at both ends
Patrick Ewing is listening...