Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

1. Union Head Teaches Don Shelby About Local Food
Floats over to farmers' market, then gets in argument with itself.

2. Former Gopher Spreads Love Of The Game
Apparently died with smile on its face

3. Target Co. Crisis Center Watches For Disaster
That mysterious changing of red carts into blue

4. `Wizards of Waverly Place' big hit for Disney (AP)
Despite inability to make 4-Cheese Pizza disappear

5. Pinochet purges arrests ordered
Thus ending 36-year Mypos reign of terror

6. Crews 'hopeful' over LA wildfire
Headed straight for the soundstage for "Two and a Half Men"

7. Blaze Threatens Historic Observatory
Former American Gladiator, Down on His Luck, Back to Harrassing Those Guys Who Made Him Feel So Stupid in High School.

8. Contractors Outnumber U.S. Troops in Afghanistan
American Bases Now Fortified with Drywall, Vapor Barrier, and 30-Year Roof.

Tentacular

1. Poland remembers World War start
Nothing to do but watch Russia attempt to reinforce its western border while making a vain attempt to secure basing rights in northern China, all the while fearing the hammer strike that will be Germany's first turn.
2. Fiji suspended from Commonwealth
British subjects now pastier than ever.
3. Texas billionaire accused of fraud has heart test
Doctor's skeptical of finding one.
4. Ukraine, Russia PMs resolve gas dispute: Tymoshenko
Tymoshenko - smelt it, likely dealt it.
5. US fares poorly in child welfare survey
'Family values' chest thumping having no effect.
6. Ousted Ill. governor explains himself in new book
Entire first chapter devoted to phonetic spelling of name.
7. Rockies acquire righty Contreras from White Sox
And lefty contrarian from Red Sox.
8. No Bolt-Gay showdown at Van Damme Memorial
No comment required.
9. Virus blamed for half of penile cancers
Virus scapegoated to cover up years of excessive masturbation.
10. Scenic trips to see waterfalls, foliage in NC
Watch out for banjo prodigies.