Swelve

1.
Town Honors Blind Eagle Scout
Particulars regarding reason for blindness sticky at best.
2.
Parents: Scout's Survival 'Like a Dream'
Without survival skills like starting fires, more accurately called a miracle.
3.
Penalty Phase Postponed in Fresno Killings
Living in Fresno penalty enough.
4.
Ford Cutting Another 1,700 Positions
Leaving it with doggy and missionary.
5.
Australia look forward to Asian move
2 inches every year.
6.
Corgan Embraces 'Future' As Solo Artist
Corgan like Coogan before him sees future as creepy bald guy.
7.
Blackhawks Hire New GM, Who Fires Coach
Who beats dog.
8.
Carolina Aims to Rebuild After Mass Exodus
Plans to start with a busload of McDonald All Americans.
9.
Clinton, McCain 'Gorillas' of 2008 Race
The only question remains - who'll throw feces first.
10.
Study: World at Risk for Major Attack
World suddenly embraces extra-terrestrial life, fears it.
11.
Woolly Mammoth Closer to Asian Elephants
And the Asian elephants don't like it.
12.
Pelvic inflammatory disease linked to pelvic pain
The hell you say.