BBC 6

1. Gary Glitter to sign sex register
Followed shortly by an incredulous, "it's what!" after whisper from his lawyer.
2. Greek helicopter fugitive caught
Had to land eventually.
3. Iran denies De Burgh live concert
2 hours of 'Lady in Red' and 'Don't Pay the Ferryman' does not constitute a concert.
4. Intruders attack man in his home
Thus living up to title.
5. Magpie 'recognises its reflection'
Indubitably.
6. Spinning trees cause a stir
Stoned foresters flee in terror.

Ick Dick Niner

1. Russia says withdrawal complete
Having made it through final empirialistic-communism shakes
2. Investors pulling out of Russia
Thus setting the stage for a simultaneous beginning and ending to a bear market, as it were
3. Three Medals for U.S. as BMX Is Welcomed to Olympic Stage
Three medals for Japan as THX is, inexplicably, Welcomed to Olympic Stage
4. Jamie Foxx, Fran Drescher turn out for Obama party
Unprecedented show of star power causes Republicans to forfeit election.
5. Conservatives grow wary of mixing church, politics
Conservatives told, "join the club"
6. Clinton to have own floor whips at Dem convention Thereby crossing the line between feminsm and fem dom
7. Obama inspires black Republicans to switch parties
All three of them
8. Gold Leader, China, Flexes New Muscles
Red Five, Porkins, Another Story Entirely
9. Uncovering truth amid debris
'Dams Built By Scouts Are Not Built to Last'

special bonus headline:
Human cost of Georgia conflict
Mail order brides

A fine nine?

1. Obama raps McCain for ignorance of his own houses
Actually raps, making the most of his mixed ancestry.
2. US softball team loses 3-1 to Japan, denied gold
Japanese softball team's motto references 'triforce' and 'boss', completely confounding foes.
3. Obama says he's decided on a running mate
Michael Phelps
4. Russia blocks Georgia's main port city
Using highly pixelated PT boats.
5. Reputed mob boss asks judge for chance to exercise
Claims shiny track suit he usually wears actually means he exercises.
6. Watchdog eases rules on telephone rates
One biscuit per hour, plus tummy rub.
7. Madonna kicks off "Sticky & Sweet" tour
Two decades too late.
8. Rain vows to keep acting despite weak debut
Sprinkles, showers not up to challenge of drought.
9. New Zealand's colossal squid defies legends: scientists
Refuses to eat its vegetables.

Sixy

1. Shawn Johnson wins gold in balance beam
Not clear why it was being stored there.
2. Suicide attack at Algerian police academy kills 43
Finally had it with cadet making special effect noises, general buffonery.
3. New Thin Skin to Protect Tiny Spacecraft
Though not from hurtful words of larger spacecraft.
4. Woman pleads guilty to stealing South Carolina ID
Now having trouble convincing people its not North Carolina.
5. Cast in place for horror thriller "Maneater"
Uh oh here she comes.
6. Puerto Rico corpse kept upright for 3-day wake
Didn't complain at all.