Ick Dick Niner

1. Russia says withdrawal complete
Having made it through final empirialistic-communism shakes
2. Investors pulling out of Russia
Thus setting the stage for a simultaneous beginning and ending to a bear market, as it were
3. Three Medals for U.S. as BMX Is Welcomed to Olympic Stage
Three medals for Japan as THX is, inexplicably, Welcomed to Olympic Stage
4. Jamie Foxx, Fran Drescher turn out for Obama party
Unprecedented show of star power causes Republicans to forfeit election.
5. Conservatives grow wary of mixing church, politics
Conservatives told, "join the club"
6. Clinton to have own floor whips at Dem convention Thereby crossing the line between feminsm and fem dom
7. Obama inspires black Republicans to switch parties
All three of them
8. Gold Leader, China, Flexes New Muscles
Red Five, Porkins, Another Story Entirely
9. Uncovering truth amid debris
'Dams Built By Scouts Are Not Built to Last'

special bonus headline:
Human cost of Georgia conflict
Mail order brides