A fine nine?

1. Obama raps McCain for ignorance of his own houses
Actually raps, making the most of his mixed ancestry.
2. US softball team loses 3-1 to Japan, denied gold
Japanese softball team's motto references 'triforce' and 'boss', completely confounding foes.
3. Obama says he's decided on a running mate
Michael Phelps
4. Russia blocks Georgia's main port city
Using highly pixelated PT boats.
5. Reputed mob boss asks judge for chance to exercise
Claims shiny track suit he usually wears actually means he exercises.
6. Watchdog eases rules on telephone rates
One biscuit per hour, plus tummy rub.
7. Madonna kicks off "Sticky & Sweet" tour
Two decades too late.
8. Rain vows to keep acting despite weak debut
Sprinkles, showers not up to challenge of drought.
9. New Zealand's colossal squid defies legends: scientists
Refuses to eat its vegetables.