Using Up All Your Six Days

1. Resolute G-8 Leaders Unveil African Aid
Their nickname for an empty, dry juice pitcher.

2. Hiring Up, Unemployment Rate Falls
Economists & business analysts working 'round the clock to discover any possible connection.

3. German Court Convicts Sasser Worm Creator
As he exits courtroom, worm peeks out from front shirt pocket and issues one last, "Yo mama!"

4. Hughes Leaves Wizards, Talking With Cavs -
Hughes Talking With Calves; Wizards Leave

5. Exxon, Aramco sign $3.5 bln refinery deal
Saks 5th Ave, Gucci Sign $3.5 bln finery deal

6. Screams, dense smoke and a rush to escape
Group of 6th grade buddies makes wrong turn into Kitrell teachers' lounge

Nights in white saTEN.

1.
London attacks kill dozens, Blair breaks off summit
K2 now tallest.
2.
Poll: Drivers Feel Less Safe on the Road
And have only themselves to blame.
3.
Bush Offers U.S. Condolences to London
Suggests cheerful number by local chimney sweeps as pick-me-up.
4.
Despite no hope of parole, teen's prison life will focus on reentry
By his cellmate, Bubba.
5.
Top Hussein Lawyer Quits, Chides U.S.
To no avail, will have to do better than 'chide'.
6.
G8 leaders defiant in face of London attacks
From the safety of remote Scotland.
7.
Mexico Prosecutor: Detainee Not Drug Lord
Actually Lord of the Dance - immediately executed.
8.
Thailand urges 'united' front against terror after London attacks
Rest of world looks around wondering who the hell said that.
9.
Missing cotter pin blamed for power loss leading to ferry grounding
Also, loss of power in Chevette leading to embarrassment in West High parking lot.
10.
Lyme disease fells Hall & Oates tour
Because that tick, that tick, was on his lips....when he turned out the lights.

One After 909

1. Iraq, Iraq Look to Military Cooperation
Foolish country making secret alliance with country it sees in enormous mirror.

2. Soldiers Must Pick Custodian for Remains
Needed: one mop and a shitload of that orange disenfectant powder.

3. U.S. Urges Vigilance for Transit Systems
Calm down, Texas, that was with a "c," not a "t."

4. World recoils in horror at London attacks
Bumps into moon, who says, "Watch it, bub."

5. Canada asked U.S. to intervene in Talisman case
They need help tallying they bannana

6. Scientists Start Study of Kennewick Man
He attempts an escape; but not before they get blood samples and bits of his tweed jacket.

7. Mummy Exhibit Shows Off Interactive Side
Saracophagus door swings open; resident demands coin.

8. California panel passes Schwarzenegger solar plan
Tremendously expensive rider on bill to create massive reactor, gigantic oxygen vents on surface of Mars.

9. Correctly used condoms do reduce STD risk
Incorrectly used condoms increase risk of asphyxiation, loss of cirulation in fingers, or mere social awkwardness, depending on type of misuse.

Sixth ofJuly

1.
Oil Prices Top $60 a Barrel on Supply Fears
8-Tracks top $.50 on Air Supply fears.
2.
Student Says Quran Burning Was an Accident
Heresy caused during attempt to roll 'one big mother of a fattie'.
3.
Angelina Jolie Adopting Ethiopian Girl
In a sick bit of irony, plans to eat her.
4.
Woodward's 'Secret' goes wide but not deep
Just like the fan base of Hootie and the Blowfish.
5.
Ramirez Moves Within Three Slams of Record
Denny's planning to put his picture on the wall if he succeeds.
6.
Male hormones not tied to women's libido
But they'd like to be.

Gee! Eight.

1.
Bush Thanks Denmark for Helping in Iraq
Every morning in the mess hall troops treated to danish.
2.
AOL Takes Streaming Video to Next Level
Now almost above ground.
3.
Gulf Coast Braces for Arrival of Cindy
Dirty whore aims to please.
4.
Investors to watch earnings, jobs
Their ass.
5.
Darfur's enemies agree on basics, adjourn talks
"I don't like you, you don't like me. Good day sir."
6.
Israel Commits Large Force for Pullout
Rams it back in just as hard.
7.
Rice to visit Asia, but skip ASEAN forum
Dr. Rice cannot tolerate misspellings, even in an acronym.
8.
Study: Slow Walking May Be Best for Obese
Fast walking often becomes rolling and then all hell breaks loose.

IndeTENdence Day

1. Human Remains Found in Missing Boy Search
"Blast you all," says search crew chief. "If I wanted human remains, I'd have asked for them. Now get back out there and FIND ME THAT BOY!"

2. Not All Kids With High BMIs Are Too Fat
But kids with extremely low BMXs most likely are.

3. U.S. Marks July 4 With Patriotism
"Support Their Troops" bumper stickers not selling particularly well on that day.

4. Pediatricians Decry Abstinence-Only Ed
Ed: "I wish they'd quit calling me that"

5. Rip Tide Pulls Men to Their Deaths in N.H.
In rare season six departure, Cody & Nick decide not to detain suspects till authorities get there.

6. 'War' is swell for Cruise, Spielberg
Risking the wrath of groups opposed to War Movie Profiteering

7. Italian filmmaker Alberto Lattuada dies at 90
Documentary traces career back to humble start; how-to video called, "Putta the Label Onna Botha Sides"

8. Pollution Experts Head to Grounded Ship
"Botany Bay....Botany Bay? Damn!"

9. China Chooses Potential Astronauts
Or, to be more accurrate, China "chooses" potential astronauts.

10. Government Sues Maker of Body Armor
The government of Gondor, hopefully.

I hold these headlines to be self-evident...

1.
Wal-Mart Raises June Sales Forecast
Souls selling faster than expected.
2.
Poor Writing Costs Americans Millions
Aggravates millions more.
3.
Teacher Attire Becoming a Touchy Topic
Long gone are the halcyon days of polyester.
4.
Man allegedly drives electric shopping cart through store
Many more allegedly push shopping carts through store.
5.
Who Started Kyrgyzstan's Revolution?
That guy in the back with his hands in his pockets nervously whistling.
6.
Ewan McGregor Makes Plea to G-8 Leaders
Don't make me work for George Lucas again!
7.
Bush Salutes Military in Radio Address
Salute less effective without the visual.
8.
Shark Bites Tourist's Ankle in Florida
Still full from earlier attacks, just looking for snack.
9.
Report: Prevention Can Reduce AIDS Costs
Not getting AIDS proven to be cheaper than getting AIDS.
10.
Info reassures men who think their penis is small
Not really.