IndeTENdence Day

1. Human Remains Found in Missing Boy Search
"Blast you all," says search crew chief. "If I wanted human remains, I'd have asked for them. Now get back out there and FIND ME THAT BOY!"

2. Not All Kids With High BMIs Are Too Fat
But kids with extremely low BMXs most likely are.

3. U.S. Marks July 4 With Patriotism
"Support Their Troops" bumper stickers not selling particularly well on that day.

4. Pediatricians Decry Abstinence-Only Ed
Ed: "I wish they'd quit calling me that"

5. Rip Tide Pulls Men to Their Deaths in N.H.
In rare season six departure, Cody & Nick decide not to detain suspects till authorities get there.

6. 'War' is swell for Cruise, Spielberg
Risking the wrath of groups opposed to War Movie Profiteering

7. Italian filmmaker Alberto Lattuada dies at 90
Documentary traces career back to humble start; how-to video called, "Putta the Label Onna Botha Sides"

8. Pollution Experts Head to Grounded Ship
"Botany Bay....Botany Bay? Damn!"

9. China Chooses Potential Astronauts
Or, to be more accurrate, China "chooses" potential astronauts.

10. Government Sues Maker of Body Armor
The government of Gondor, hopefully.