Centrum Two-A-Day

1. Walton Remembered for Education Efforts
Millions of southerners now able to read Sunday circular.

2. Jackson's Love Letter
Filling up magazine racks in Chuck-E-Cheese entryways, nationwide.

3. Teen Critical After Second Shark Attack
"Too many teeth," he says

4. NASA: Shuttle to Take Off Despite Concerns
Concern over who will pilot: statastician, mathmetician, or other statistician?

5. Lack of funds to hit Zambia food aid -UN agency
"Fine-elminate all non-beef imports," says ambassador.

6. Saudi Arabia issues new list of wanted militants
Saudi prince: "Now go do...that voo-doo...that you do...so WEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!

7. Britain's Blair to talk Africa, climate change on MTV
Ceremonial playing of "God Save the Queen" as he enters will render it closest thing to a music video to appear on channel in past 12 years.

8. Pope Marks Release of Pared-Down Catechism
Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub.

9. Mexico Officials Free 44 Kidnap Victims
After hearing tale of attempt to make it in music, thought they had suffered enough.

10. Process to Beatify John Paul II Opens
Ruddy-cheeked, platinum wigged corpse reveals that process to beautify him has completed.

11. Kyrgyz Officials Promise to Protect Uzbeks
Pick up their tridents and flap on over with extra sets of sea-turtle armor.