5Eight8-2-300-emPIRE!!!!

1. Genetics may determine who benefits from cancer drugs
Those remorseless enough to kill for them.

2. Scientists Study How to Tell T. Rex's Sex
In female T-Rexes, both forearms are small and useless. In males, this is only the the case with the left one.

3. Obesity, smoking add years to cells' age
And all this time we thought smokers were having leather surgically implanted in their faces.

4. Viagra May Help Kids With Lung Disease
New study released by the Neverland Center for Resear--WAIT A MINUTE!!!!

5. Exercise boosts sex life in men with heart failure
Based on research of Weekend at Bernies

6. Colombia Issues Own 'Most-Wanted' Deck
Notable lack of terrorists; abundance of produce, animal products, and medicine.

7. My Child Is Shoplifting
I'm hoping publishing articles through Reuters will help

8. Heavy Drinking Linked to Variety of Health Woes
Vomiting, headaches, slurred speech