Eleventy-First Birthday!

1. Scientists Uncover Key Parkinson's Clue
Spots of candle wax all over floor in the billiards room.

2. Teens' problem behavior linked to later trouble
Otherwise known as nagging

3. Board: Teflon Cancer Risks Downplayed
None of the accusations seem to stick

4. EPA Blocked From Human Pesticide Studies
Closer inspection of EPA officials' white science jackets reveal poorly concealed tentacles.

5. NASA Chief Optimistic About Shuttle Launch
Apache Chief Optimistic About Shuttle Lunch

6. Bret Downgraded to Tropical Depression
He's failed to get laid after 2 weeks in Tahiti.

7. NASA comet crash to seek building blocks of life
End up working together to seek out and sterilize that which is imperfect.

8. Activists want fish off aquarium menu
Sharks to counter-demonstrate.

9. Beachgoers Return to Water After Attacks
Each of them seeking to be next

10. Naked bullfight protest brings halt to Madrid
Nothing can capture the imagination of a nation quite like the skill and deftness of two young ballfighters circling around one another, swinging their nuts.

11. Ga. Justice Is State's First Black Woman
Reuters correspondent sets new low for rigor of journalistic fact-checking.