I hold these headlines to be self-evident...

1.
Wal-Mart Raises June Sales Forecast
Souls selling faster than expected.
2.
Poor Writing Costs Americans Millions
Aggravates millions more.
3.
Teacher Attire Becoming a Touchy Topic
Long gone are the halcyon days of polyester.
4.
Man allegedly drives electric shopping cart through store
Many more allegedly push shopping carts through store.
5.
Who Started Kyrgyzstan's Revolution?
That guy in the back with his hands in his pockets nervously whistling.
6.
Ewan McGregor Makes Plea to G-8 Leaders
Don't make me work for George Lucas again!
7.
Bush Salutes Military in Radio Address
Salute less effective without the visual.
8.
Shark Bites Tourist's Ankle in Florida
Still full from earlier attacks, just looking for snack.
9.
Report: Prevention Can Reduce AIDS Costs
Not getting AIDS proven to be cheaper than getting AIDS.
10.
Info reassures men who think their penis is small
Not really.