One After 909

1. Iraq, Iraq Look to Military Cooperation
Foolish country making secret alliance with country it sees in enormous mirror.

2. Soldiers Must Pick Custodian for Remains
Needed: one mop and a shitload of that orange disenfectant powder.

3. U.S. Urges Vigilance for Transit Systems
Calm down, Texas, that was with a "c," not a "t."

4. World recoils in horror at London attacks
Bumps into moon, who says, "Watch it, bub."

5. Canada asked U.S. to intervene in Talisman case
They need help tallying they bannana

6. Scientists Start Study of Kennewick Man
He attempts an escape; but not before they get blood samples and bits of his tweed jacket.

7. Mummy Exhibit Shows Off Interactive Side
Saracophagus door swings open; resident demands coin.

8. California panel passes Schwarzenegger solar plan
Tremendously expensive rider on bill to create massive reactor, gigantic oxygen vents on surface of Mars.

9. Correctly used condoms do reduce STD risk
Incorrectly used condoms increase risk of asphyxiation, loss of cirulation in fingers, or mere social awkwardness, depending on type of misuse.