Pontific Eight

1. AP poll: 1 in 7 voters still persuadable
Only requires a 'lifetime supply' of something to change their vote.
2. Beaten down, American consumers burrow deeper
Hoping to wake from hibernation in a better economic environment.
3. Rare, prehistoric-age reptile found in New Zealand
Huge fire-breathing fiend discovered by dwarves digging too deep.
4. Joe the Plumber hires Nashville publicity team
Hoping to squeeze 16 or 17 minutes out of fame.
5. Suspicion falls on dairy farmer in Ill. murders
Townspeople shocked by udder tragedy.
6. Man refuses to pay after sharing food at buffet
This shortly after visiting Colts training camp.
7. Analysis: Bush foreign-policy goals largely unmet
Only 'Start Wars' check box filled.
8. Extremely Rare Leopard Photographed
Def Leppard, at late season state fair.

Lucky 13 for Halloween

1. AP Poll: Obama leads or tied in 8 crucial states
Non-crucial states set to sulk on election day.
2. Stocks fluctuate after Fed rate cut
Before rate cut, during rate cut.
3. World Series may resume tonight after 2-day delay
Nothing in life is certain.
4. Hospital says Ballesteros 'evolving favorably'
Just recently past gill stage, occasionally walking on two legs.
5. Actress' death center stage at Spector retrial
Successfully fulfilling purpose of trial.
6. Experts: Plot detracts from race progress in South
Rednecks plotting to kill black people not good for racial harmony.
7. Doorknobs and TV remotes are germ hotbeds
Occasional source of inadvertent conception.
8. Harper to unveil new cabinet, Flaherty to stay
Always looking for storage ideas.
9. Words of Steel: Best-selling author starting blog
Expected to be popular, still suck.
10. Bruce Springsteen scraps Halloween display
To stand outside flexing biceps instead.
11. Brain Zap Improves Dexterity
Requires access to level 12 spells.
12. The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure
Explaining my consistent 120/80.
13. Depression often untreated in black heart patients
According to Dr. Joan Jett.

Al All-McCain 20!!

A very mean-spirited 20, be forewarned. But I've been very civil over the past few months. I really need to relieve some tension.

1. McCain Says Alaska Senator Should Resign
Thinks Alaska should re-sign him for another 4-year contrcat

2. Obama's childhood home in Indonesia up for sale
New McCain ad tries to tie it to foreclosure crisis

3. McCain says pundits being fooled, promises victory
Offering sneak peak into final week strategy of new campaign manager, Patrick Ewing.

4. Experienced warrior John McCain focuses on hostile forces abroad
Campaign staff backs away slowly while McCain slogs through another one of his PTSD episodes

5. As Detroit Teeters Near Bankruptcy, John McCain Says Automakers Should Wait for Additional Government Help
During John McCain administration's budget freeze, money to be obtained from same Leprauchan that provides funding for Sarah Palin's "special needs kids"

6. John McCain Winning Votes At Penn Hills Car Wash
(rejoinder not necessary)

7. John McCain coming to Defiance
Soon to follow, anger. Then, hopefully, acceptance.

8. John McCain not worried — he's 'doing fine'
Insists that the fundamentals of his campaign are strong

9. John McCain's pep talk is drowned out by recriminations over campaign
Well, better than, I suppose, than "racist invectives from the crowd"

10. Some Say Blame John McCain Not Sarah Palin for the Campaign's Struggles
Among them, Sarah Palin, "going rogue" at one of her own rallies.

11. John McCain's mother campaigns in Naples
Italy. Only slightly more senile than the candidate, himself.

12. John McCain Capitalizes on Joe the Plumber
A euphamism for "jizzes all over"

13. McCain, Obama compete for Pa. votes
So far, McCain only assured of grandPa. votes

14. Iraq Aside, Nominees Have Like Views on Use of Force
Useful in tossing aside battle droids. Slippery slope when you begin choking those who "fail you"

15. Why John McCain Continues to Trail Barack Obama in Pennsylvania
They agreed to "settle it on the court"

16. Bush looks to lift Republican morale
McCain campaign immediately recants "promise of victory" (headline #3)

17. McCain Asserts Independence From Bush
Palin asserts independence form Union

18. John McCain's brother apologizes for calling 911 about traffic jam
Unfortunately, does it (once again) on 911

19. JOE THE PLUMBER ENDORSES MCCAIN
Adding to impressive "list" of recent endorsements lately, including Al Queda

20. Time running out for McCain in race
As in, "among us in the human..."

thanks, folks!!!