A Special Halloween Edition: DEADlines

1. Hacking Pleads Not Guilty in Wife's Death

Prosecution turns attention to other verb suspect, skewering.

2. NASA Picks May 2005 for Launch Date

Laughing behind their clipboards as they go to fancy restaurant where they will meet date, prepare chair with spring-loaded seat.

3. Leaks spoil skating oval

Surface now pocked with steamy piss holes.

4. Minneapolis club factions strike deal

Those that use sleek, varnished billy clubs join with those that prefer primitive, wooden cave-man type

5. Vikings: Moe ready to go

His eye-poking, nostril-grabbing, while clearly illegal, permitted; for they keep refs in stitches

6. Snoop Returns with 'Masterpiece,' Remixes Doors

Ray Manzarek keyboard solo constitutes longest sample in rap history.

7. Indonesia's Hobbit-Sized Humans Find Humble Home

Rounded up to work in Pennsylvanian coal mines

8. Ancient Star Dust May Point to Human Origins-Study

Takes an independent investigation to determine disgusting, aging David Bowie still bears any resemblance to the rest of his species.

9. Day from Hell May Have Killed Off Dinosaurs

One by one, woke up with hair all frizzy, poked eyeliner pencils into eyes, and drove off the road.

10. Kerry Promises 'A More Balanced' NASA

Begins by pronouncing it 'NASAN'

The Ill-Got Ten

1. Americans a Bit Taller, Much Heavier, Report Says
Uses "A Leave it to Beaver Reunion" made-for TV movie to illustrate.

2. New Home Sales Soar, Durable Goods Rise
People buying Rubbermaid containers to transport stuff to new homes

3. Bush Defends Self on Missing Explosives, Rips Kerry
Makes scandal worse by defending self WITH missing explosives

4. European Tour Investigating Ballesteros
Hairy, hanging low as expected

5. Locked-out Gomez signs to play for a pittance in Alaska
Uncertain where he will find money to pay for mansion mortgage, Lurch's salary.

6. Protesters to Weld Shut Entrance to Brazil Nuclear HQ
Mistakenly Weld Shut Entrance to DQ, thus fulfilling lifelong dream of 16-year old slack-jawed worker inside.

7. C-Section More Likely with Obesity, Diabetes
Unfortunately, A-Section and B-Section are not equipped with seating to accomodate your--ahem--carriage...

8. Impact of Domestic Violence on Kids Can Be Reduced
With boxing gloves

9. Cruise Ship Care for Elderly? Why Not, Say Experts
"Retired people will never want to vacation on cruise ships," say naysayers.

10. It's The Boss vs The Terminator in US election showdown
Whose biceps bigger? Mixdorf cannot say.

Cameron Diez

1.
Kerry Says Bush Fails U.S. Commander in Chief Test
Bush: Test? What test? Where's Dick Cheney?
2.
San Francisco Mayor Seeks to End Lockout
Finally finds practical use for those really big keys.
3.
Lawyer Defends Self Against Terror Charge
Sits nervously on porch with loaded shotgun.
4.
NYC Crowns Ms. Subways for Centennial
Has had more riders than the 7 train to Queens.
5.
Georgia Court Throws Out Hate Crimes Law
People of Georgia celebrating with spontaneous cross-burnings, lynchings.
6.
Consumer Confidence Hits 7-Month Low
Bad decision choosing generic raisin bran leaves them shattered.
7.
One vacancy could reshape court
His track jeans and ill advised jumpshots will be missed.
8.
Cassini to Look at Saturn's Giant Moon
Anyone in the vicinity WILL look at T-Clog's moon.
9.
Earth to See Total Eclipse of the Moon
Experience total eclipse of the heart.
10.
Scientists: Biological Weapons Pose Major Threat
Friday lunch at Chili's leads to profound breakthrough.

First Tenner

1. Club Says Zeta-Jones Should Be Flattered
Club Says Zeta-Jones Will Be Flattened

2. Street Sees Slower Biz for Showbiz
Billy Bob & the boys just not packing em in like they used to.

3. Cast tunes up for 'Good Vibrations'
Yet another day on the set for "Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts"

4. Spider Nation
1978, Starring William Shatner.

5. Singer Papa Wemba Admits Part in People Smuggling
Name change to $5 Papa Wemba: Bad Move

6. Clinton rises from the sick bay to anoint Kerry
Leaves an empty table with strange, overhead pedals and an ominous "bomp, bomp" sound.

7. Gwen Stefani's Surprise Stepkid
Gary Coleman!

8. Lenny Kravitz Plugs Porcelain
Makes strong bid to be first inductee into "Selling Out Hall of Fame"

9. Sarah Jessica Parker returns to Ohio birthplace; endorses Kerry
Sex in the City, however, still officially endorsing Clinton

10. Actor Ashton Kutcher stumps for Kerry-Edwards campaign in Iowa
To be invited to Florida in two weeks for "Dude, Where's My Vote?" investigation.

Also Ocho

1. Ashlee Simpson to Sing Live Again Tonight
To have louder, amplified version of her song played at the same time as this singing.

2. One Dead in Ill. Parachuting-Plane Mishap
When it knew it was in trouble, man's plane took the last parachute

3. Skater Totmianina Doesn't Remember Fall
Asking a skater to remember a fall is like asking Michael Jordan to remember a dunk

4. Rivals run a relay race for president
GOP dreading the Cheney leg

5. Total Lunar Eclipse to Grace World Series Game 4
St. Louis to seek, out of retirement, former Atlanta pitcher Terry Forster

6. U.S. Works to Deliver Flu Shots, Some Don't Wait
Inject selves with empty syringes

7. Overweight People Struggle to Exercise
In particularly hilarious segment of Married With Children episode 38: "Al Joins a Health Club"

8. Americans Head to Mexico for Scarce Flu Shot
Risk countless unknown, exotic afflictions to avoid exposure to 3-day generally manageable known sickness.

Otto

1.
Kellogg Posts Higher 3Q Profit, Sales
Grrrrrrr-eat.
2.
Two Employees Found Dead in Wis. Arby's
Tell-tale marks lead to oven mitt suspect.
3.
Little Movement in AP Football Poll
Shortage of toilet paper at AP leads to drastic measures.
4.
Bush Using Incumbency to Full Advantage
Has forgone even appearance of running the country.
5.
Finder of 'Iceman' Found Dead in Austrian Alps
Despite uneasy relationship, Maverick vows revenge.
6.
Bush Signs Law Banning Certain Steroid-Like Drugs
Hopefully the law is less vague than the headline.
7.
Women Governors at a Glance
In this months Playboy.
8.
Service Workers Tops Donors to GOP Govs.
Particularly prostitutes.

Nein!

1. Hendrick Motorsports Plane Crash Kills 10
Grieving Widows Never Imagined They'd Lose Their Loved Ones in a Firey Crash

2. Strangers' Organ Donations Concern MDs
For it was the Perfect Strangers, who (as everybody knows) Have Been Regularly Engaged in Unprotected Anal Sex Since Early 80s.

3. Sacramento releases Liu, two more
Diaz, Barrymore

4. Former Washington Archbishop Hickey Dies
It was said that Bishop Hickey was an Inspiration to Priests Througout Northeastern US

5. FBI: Search of Alleged Mob Graveyard Ends
All they found was a lot of disturbed graves and a red leather jacket with a shitload of zippers

6. Study: Charity Donations Rise in 2003
Undoing destruction of Bush administration ain't cheap

7. Clues Reinforce Election-Terror Concerns
Candlestick, lead pipe found outside local precint.

8. Police Probe Possible Sniper Shootings
Crazy 7-foot monkey sniper destroys probe with blaster shot off backside

9. Russian Fashion Week Opens with Vitali Azarov
Looks like babushka scarves & rubber boots for old ladies, big-assed furry hats for men are in once again