A Friday Nine

1-NY bomber, anti-war writer not same person
“In fact they are two,” observes observant observer

2-Golfer apologizes for killing hawk
Mistakes hawk call for mocking tone

3-Apple spills iPhone secrets to programmers
Programmers continue to program as if nothing happened

4-Intern proposes to girlfriend in Capitol
Uncle Sam’s pointy finger helped seal the deal

5-‘American Idol’ down to its final 12
Many upset that it does not mean episodes

6-Invalid votes keep Clinton, Obama stuck
Invalids: now THEY know how it feels

7-Sitters take charge
Technology allows shift from go-getters to sitters, signaling end of human advancement

8-Idol finalists are revealed
Ruben Studdard now 230 pounds lighter

9-Baseball player testifies against private eye
“He was looking in my direction”

Arms Race

1.Men who do housework may get more sex
Dishpan hands seen as sexy by majority of women.
2.Crews to move 9/11 survivors staircase
Dooming them to a fiery death.
3. Edwards penalized by NASCAR
As part of brand-building corporate sponsorship of Democratic Party.
4. Lawmaker wants FBI to drop Clemens probe
Clemens, cheeks clenched, agrees wholeheartedly.
5. Swayze projects continue despite cancer
Despite Roadhouse.
6. 1888 photo depicts Helen Keller, teacher
Helen, as usual, seems oblivious to camera.
7. Alaska Gov. Palin expecting 5th child
In parade of honored Boy Scouts.
8. Murray run stopped by Davydenko
With large box, friendly offer of Suzi-Q.
9. Firms recall chicken over bacteria scare
"ahhh...those were the days. It was nothing like that bacteria on bacteria scare."
10. Burundi says rebels ready to move on peace deal
Willing to give up arms for beef.

Seven on the Fifth

1-Who gets the delegates? Play the game
Available now for a limited time for millions of dollars.


2-Passengers sick, plane makes emergency stop
“They things they said made my jailed Uncle blush,” reports offended passenger


3-Wendy’s 911 tapes: ‘He blew my arm off’
Wrong act for the wrong body part causes frustration and dismay.


4-Oprah special smashes competition
NBC reports “Oprah is just mean and doesn’t know her own strength”


5-Rice meets top Israeli officials
In a romantic movement with chicken, “It was as a kiss”


6-The best moments of Brett Favre’s career
not to include images of flappy butt celebrating inside gold tights


7-‘Tek’ actress Jeri Ryan gives birth
8 of 9 and 9 of 9; mission now complete, an enjoyable ride

S'more

1. 'Tired' Brett Favre ends dazzling career
Declares Green Bay a frozen hell and never returns.
2. Justices to release audio in guns case
Expect all but the bass to be muted.
3. French Astronaut Grows Plants in Space
Tobacco and grapes.
4. Vt. towns approve Bush 'indictment'
Have also prepared plea to join Canada as they prepare to feel the wrath of Cheney.
5. Russia tells Iran to suspend enrichment
Gifted students in Tehran heartbroken.
6. Study: Traffic crashes cost billions
Hurt like a mother fucker.
7. McCain now has to pick a vice presidential nominee
Cheney picked to head up exploratory committee...wait a minute...!
8. Analysis: New wins revive Clinton camp
Though still groggy after breathing all that tent air.

Six from the The Gray Lady

1.Fed Chief Urges Breaks for Some Home Borrowers
Starting with ones he knows personally.
2. Mind: When People Drink Themselves Silly, and Why
Interviews with Roy and Ron.
3. Bill Would Set Foreclosure Moratorium
Bill drunk with power,
4. Menu Fight Over Calories Leads Doctor to Reject Post
Sticking with General Mills.
5. Diebold Receives a Takeover Offer
Despite fundraising woes the RNC makes one last attempt to hold onto power.
6. Carey Likes Clinton, Too, but Backs Obama
Dead, drunken baseball announcer unlikely to have significant effect on polls.

Star Tribune Nine

1. Bill Clinton reaches out to undecided voters at rally in Houston
From behind

2. Monticello basketball player emerges from coma
Scores 15 points

3. James gang gets tougher
Shoots man just for snorin' too loud

4. Farmers Helper: the Flying Cockroach
Overweight, middle-aged, Mexican-born superhero patiently teaches techniques of crop rotation, windbreaks, natural pest control.

5. City parks, city streets ... city cemetery?
No-fail opening line zinger for 10th grade speech class.

6. Suburban Utah home searched for ricin
Only Karl Malone found.

7. Pedestrian killed near Taunton in suspected hit-and-run
Telltale claw marks, snowy footprints the only clues.

8. Wild game recap
The shit was on! (gimme another drink) Woo!

9. Fridley bar fight leaves 39-year-old man in critical condition
Only difference between last night and every other night is the age of the man