Star Tribune Nine

1. Bill Clinton reaches out to undecided voters at rally in Houston
From behind

2. Monticello basketball player emerges from coma
Scores 15 points

3. James gang gets tougher
Shoots man just for snorin' too loud

4. Farmers Helper: the Flying Cockroach
Overweight, middle-aged, Mexican-born superhero patiently teaches techniques of crop rotation, windbreaks, natural pest control.

5. City parks, city streets ... city cemetery?
No-fail opening line zinger for 10th grade speech class.

6. Suburban Utah home searched for ricin
Only Karl Malone found.

7. Pedestrian killed near Taunton in suspected hit-and-run
Telltale claw marks, snowy footprints the only clues.

8. Wild game recap
The shit was on! (gimme another drink) Woo!

9. Fridley bar fight leaves 39-year-old man in critical condition
Only difference between last night and every other night is the age of the man