Tentational

1. GOP chairman race goes to second vote
Plurality of voters voted for cardboard Ronald Reagan.
2. Obama touts middle-class task force lead by Biden
Knows better than to taunt them.
3. Rush Limbaugh challenging notion of new politics
Entire existence requires that things remain unchanged.
4. Singer Amy Winehouse's home in London burglarized
Most likely by Winehouse herself.
5. When you watch these ads, the ads check you out
So says Yakov Smirnoff recreating Soviet era comedy routines nightly in Branson MO.
6. AP Exclusive: Bad peanuts found before outbreak
Sitting in cupboard since that party in '98.
7. Obama calls for prompt action on stimulus
Last night, in bed.
8. Ailing Castro throws first punch at Obama
Which younger, agile Obama avoids with ease.
9. Liberals rebound in Quebec
Need to work on passing, shooting.
10. Springsteen promises hot halftime show
Portly saxophone player to wear only thong.

1. Iraq Won’t Grant Blackwater a License
Ominous request for "License to Kill" brazen, even for them.
2. Georgian Leader Faces Calls to Quit
Jefferson Davis Hogg, after decades of corruption and scheming.

3. Well: A Conversation About Prostate Cancer
Well, well, well! It's about time we had this talk!

4. Iraqi Candidates Hit Old-Fashioned Campaign Trail
Waving out of the backs of cabooses, speaking - inexplicably - from town square gazeebos in Small Town USA

5. Will The Super Bowl Stay 'Super'?
Only, if we can somehow, against all odds, encourage Sting to put his artistic integrity on the shelf for just one night to put together a special performance for the event.

6. Blagojevich Confronts His Senate Accusers
Asks what it'll cost to aquit him

7. Fed Could Buy Up Long-Term Treasury Bonds
US government, facing economic meltdown, invests entire stimulous package in what their financial advisor suggests is the "safest investment option"

8. More Bad News Brewing At Starbucks
Yeah, I'll take a tall one of those, with half-skim, skip the foam.

9. Peanut plant problem forces fresh recall
- "Problem" happens to be terrible, towering, 200' "Mr. Peanut," who is holding plant workers hostage, simply demanding "all peanuts"
- (alternate headline) New, sentient, robotic packagers make catastrophic erroneous assumption when working "salted nuts" line.

10. Turkish prime minister walks off stage over Gaza
Following real zinger. "Thanks, folks!"

11. East Africa: Burundi's Niyonzima Beats Other Contestants to Miss East Africa Title
For the Miss East Africa Title was buried in a 300 lb. pile of Grade-A, Certified Angus Beef

FasTEN your seat belts

1. Rock fans head to Iowa to recall day music died
When classic rock and country finished their conquest of radio.
2. Rare 1,800-year-old figurine found in Jerusalem
Early Kickin' Ass Jesus posable action figure.
3. Gene Roddenberry, wife to spend eternity in space
Hoping to return someday in cosmic cloud called "vee-ger".
4. Sept. 11 a factor in Fla. terror retrial
Vacationing Rudy Giuliani keeps wandering by open courtroom door muttering to himself.
5. Hoobastank Rocks 'For(N)ever'
Likely to still be congratulating one another regarding 'clever' title weeks from now.
6. FDA inspectors found many problems at peanut plant
Monocle in need of new prescription.
7. Blowfish poisoning sends 7 to hospital in Japan
Concert tour finds Hootie lonely.
8. Obesity Caught Like Common Cold
"Get away from me fatty!" no longer seen as rude.
9. Female Companionship Extends Sex Lives of Male Mice
Short legs, lack of opposable thumbs limits mice masturbation to limber youth.
10. Aerobic, resistance best exercises for elderly
Multiplication tables, penmanship seen as less valuable.