FasTEN your seat belts

1. Rock fans head to Iowa to recall day music died
When classic rock and country finished their conquest of radio.
2. Rare 1,800-year-old figurine found in Jerusalem
Early Kickin' Ass Jesus posable action figure.
3. Gene Roddenberry, wife to spend eternity in space
Hoping to return someday in cosmic cloud called "vee-ger".
4. Sept. 11 a factor in Fla. terror retrial
Vacationing Rudy Giuliani keeps wandering by open courtroom door muttering to himself.
5. Hoobastank Rocks 'For(N)ever'
Likely to still be congratulating one another regarding 'clever' title weeks from now.
6. FDA inspectors found many problems at peanut plant
Monocle in need of new prescription.
7. Blowfish poisoning sends 7 to hospital in Japan
Concert tour finds Hootie lonely.
8. Obesity Caught Like Common Cold
"Get away from me fatty!" no longer seen as rude.
9. Female Companionship Extends Sex Lives of Male Mice
Short legs, lack of opposable thumbs limits mice masturbation to limber youth.
10. Aerobic, resistance best exercises for elderly
Multiplication tables, penmanship seen as less valuable.