8 for 9

1. Scribner to publish first lady Laura Bush's memoir
Bartleby breaks long standing tradition of sloth, assumes it won't be that much work.
2. Bush to establish 3 marine monuments in Pacific
Actually envisions Iwo Jima flag raising, rather than aquatic places.
3. Cruise says church helped him overcome dyslexia
Scientology doesn't recognizing 'being an asshole' as a disease, leaves him afflicted.
4. Relative unknown to take lead in BBC's 'Dr Who'
No effect on generally unknown Dr Who.
5. Mexican warlock predicts US troops on border
Conjures mostly burritos.
6. Study: Hawaii's pygmy killer whales stay close
Actually not pygmy, and not that close.
7. Ancient Fossil Suggests Origin of Cheetahs
Sheds no light on origins of Cheetohs.
8. Fathering sons or daughters may be in men's genes
As opposed to....