The Nine

1. Obama arrives for White House tour, talk with Bush
First destination on tour - spot where Bush hides from Cheney.
2. Circuit City files for bankruptcy protection
May have built this City on rock and roll rather than sound financial decisions.
3. Antimatter Eludes Search Efforts
Unexpectedly disappears whenever scientists get close.
4. Study: Wider cholesterol drug use may save lives
May increase likelihood of choking.
5. Obama victory opens door to new black identity
Namely, as 'the man'.
6. Gene Simmons rushes to cash in on rock videogames
Continuing decades long tradition of KISS members whoring themselves out to anyone with spare change.
7. French scientists discover new species of gecko
Has developed puzzling affinity for auto insurance.
8. Smoking Coupled With Obesity Raises Death Risk
Perhaps lessening 'cool' factor.
9. Palin: GOP ticket was too ‘status quo’
Insufficiently mavericky despite unprecedented use of the word.