Formulate

1. Former presidents Bush, Clinton tour Ike damage
Clinton, disappointed thought they were 'touring' Tina Turner.
2. Second out-of-state teen abandoned at Omaha hospital
Nebraska to be new home of nation's asshole teens, supplanting CA.
3. Japan's core machinery orders plunge in August
Apples to be eaten the old fashioned way.
4. Bolivia's Morales kicks off march for constitution
Making good use of his 18 Charisma.
5. Tropical Storm Omar forms in Caribbean, Nana vanishes
Omar suspected.
6. Do Mouthwashes Work?
It's better than nothing you foul-breathed bastard.
7. Kidney surgery safe in select elderly patients
Especially those with healthy organs.
8. Ohio executes man who argued he was too fat to die
That'll show him.