Hate

1. Retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion
Retirees considering drinking even crappier coffee to save money.
2. Nepal appoints 3-year-old as new living goddess
Parents always new she was special.
3. R. Kelly seeks $3.4 million from tour promoter
Promoter demands he tour.
4. NKorea reportedly fires missile into Yellow Sea
Possible hoax based on incorrect translation of masturbation fantasy.
5. Dozens injured in Qantas mid-air jet drama
Pilot's participation in improvised staging of Macbeth perhaps shortsighted.
6. President makes quick, long-awaited return home
Really had to pee.
7. Scientists develop solar cells with a twist
Fresh lemony scent!
8. Task force: Colon cancer screenings can stop at 75
76 year olds breathe a lot easier, may still go just for the company.