He's Alive!!!

1. Google search finds missing child
Yahoo! programmers a bit stymied at how to top this one
2. Advanced Placement Italian Test to End
Italy gives up on hope of any high-achievers among its youth
3. Saving a Squirrel by Eating One
Jethro Clampett logic
4. Palm Unveils iPhone Competitor
What is unveiled by palm, in fact, rivals any form of entertainment known to mankind
5. Court will hear reverse discrimination case
Lawyer for black man denied employment will sound like the Swedish Chef
6. Obama's first gift as president to be crystal bowl
Hearing what's inside the box not quite right, Obama laughs maniacally and rushes off to isolate self in foreboding, turreted tower.
7. Obama: Some ambassador nominees will be political
Others to be weather, sports related.
8. Palin: Is Kennedy getting 'kid glove' treatment?
Former 'pit bull' whining like a toy spaniel

8 for 9

1. Scribner to publish first lady Laura Bush's memoir
Bartleby breaks long standing tradition of sloth, assumes it won't be that much work.
2. Bush to establish 3 marine monuments in Pacific
Actually envisions Iwo Jima flag raising, rather than aquatic places.
3. Cruise says church helped him overcome dyslexia
Scientology doesn't recognizing 'being an asshole' as a disease, leaves him afflicted.
4. Relative unknown to take lead in BBC's 'Dr Who'
No effect on generally unknown Dr Who.
5. Mexican warlock predicts US troops on border
Conjures mostly burritos.
6. Study: Hawaii's pygmy killer whales stay close
Actually not pygmy, and not that close.
7. Ancient Fossil Suggests Origin of Cheetahs
Sheds no light on origins of Cheetohs.
8. Fathering sons or daughters may be in men's genes
As opposed to....