5 Alive

1.
Plane Said Lacked Enhanced Warning System
Could talk however, despite extensive damage.
2.
Stray Dogs Kill Six Gazelles at Mo. Zoo
Gazelles: Is NOWHERE safe? C'mon!
3.
Oil Bubbles Over $55 a Barrel
Jed Clampett strikes again, this time while shooting fish in moderately expensive containers.
4.
U.N. Official: Iraq Election 'On Track'
Have chosen 'Crazy Train' as official themesong.
5.
EU Unveils Grisly Photo Warnings for Cigarettes
Features three men in a small apartment in northeast Minneapolis

10 in the Bed

1. Iraq Vote Preparations Said on Schedule
Sadaam secretly hoping he can capture 100% of the vote again, albeit as a write-in this time

2. Ukraine Mayor Warns of Election Crackdown
"Mean Gene" Okerlund Warns of Pre-Election Smackdown

3. U2 Frontman Bono Finds His Missing Lyrics
They were on top of city walls

4. Rain Cuts Fire Risk in California
For in crazy California, water puts out fires

5. Third quarter was difficult for KarstadtQuelle, chairman says
Searching for answers, dismisses terrible name.

6. China, India will sustain global economy despite high oil prices, BHP says
Among the many benefits of bicycle-based transportation infrastructure

7. Gymnast Paul Hamm Can Keep Olympic Gold
Credit given for his battle with two-faced people from atop a pommel horse

8. Trio of Georgia Running Backs Sidelined
As a result of injuries sustained in Bulldog's new "Atari 2600" Offense

9. Some Supplements Can Damage Eyes
Thanks to mistake on bottles that instruct consumers to "Take one pill visually before bedtime"

10. Estrogen Therapy for Tall Teens Linked to Fertility Problems
Things not getting any better for Sarah Plain and Tall

The bell tolls 10

1.
U.S. Soldier Gets 8 Years for Iraq Jail Abuse
Irony meted out in full measure.
2.
Rescuers Find Eight More Calif. Hikers
Laying in a pile surrounded by woefully insufficient gear.
3.
Jobless, Factory Index Signal Growth
Of robot army.
4.
Martin Welcomes Resources Investment by China
Particularly encouraged by growth of sweatband industry.
5.
Probe into Labrador crash leaves widow, survivors fearful of more accidents
Lovable pooch takes Marmaduke to a whole new level.
6.
Fiji Troops May Grow U.N. Presence in Iraq
Though Fugees would provide higher number, if asked.
7.
Astronaut to Meet Baby Daughter on Return to Earth
Been away 11 months.
8.
Interferon Injections May Improve Penile Curvature
Allows users to have sex around corners.
9.
GOP plays terrorism card in ad against Dave Ross
GOP deck only has one card.
10.
Moran Seeks More Than Reelection
Really wants a Slurpee.

The Brady 6

1. Karzai Nears Win; Half of Votes Counted
Unless he's got, like, almost 100% of the votes so far, this just can't be true.

2. They Can Hear You Now
They are the people over your cube walls.

3. Shortage in Flu Vaccine Teaches Lessons
How to care for those stricken with the flu

4. Sixers have no shortage of question marks
Head office's new direction in jersey numbering leaving players feeling uninspired

5. Michigan cagers ready to meet expectations
That's what they're paid to do

6. Garcia doesn't get all of the hate
After all, how was he to know that the old lady that wanted the keys to the prison cell was really Senor Zorro in disguise?

Seven dwarves

1.
Mel Gibson Puts Passion Into TV Sitcom
Jesus, only months from retirement, gets teamed with unstable Roman centurion - hilarity ensues.
2.
Two Climbers Killed by Sierra Storm
Kicked up version of Sierra Mist too extreme.
3.
Groups Call for Global Warming Control
Plan to install big fucking thermostat in Algeria.
4.
Court: Whales Have No Standing to Sue
Without legs, this should have been obvious.
5.
Flu panic: Seniors told to be patient
Almost dead already.
6.
Ex-waitress's record could be cleared
Consistently late for coffee refills.
7.
2 dead, 2 injured in 5-car pile-up
Driverless car suspected.

25 or 6 plus 4

1. Microsoft to Debut 'Istanbul' Application
Updated version of earlier 'Constantinople' Program

2. Johnson Still Plugging Away After Accident
Resiliant pecker an inspiration to us all

3. Love Pleads Guilty to Hitting Clubgoer
Brings new meaning to phrase Loves Going Clubbing

4. Russian Conscripts Die from Bullying, Says Report
Lanky, bucktoothed redhead kid; fat kid with ratty sweatshirt brought in for questioning

5. Fire Your Wedding Planner
And tell her to clean that icing off her chin before she goes

6. US Treasury chief seeks to bolster dollar
Asks consumers to shop at Big Lots

7. Air Ambulance Crash Kills 3 in Florida
Cannonball Run guys to Plan B

8. Pa. Court Upholds 1969 Riot Convictions
Attorneys had sought to reclassify it as "Regular Laugh Riot"

9. Texas Neighbors Care for Abandoned Boy
After discovering only thing he could remember was "The Alamo"

10. FBI Probes Punctures Found in 2 Airliners
Suspect the work of Trampires

10 at 4 good buddy

1.
Miss America Dropped From ABC
Shot a poison arrow.
2.
Ex-LAPD Officer Admits to Rob Spree Role
Unable to control craving for brightly colored candies.
3.
Iraq Wants More Elections Help From U.N.
"Say please" demands petulant U.N.
4.
Patriots Place Sam on Injured Reserve
"It's my leg.......it's my leg."
5.
U.N.: Robot Use to Surge Sevenfold by 2007
"Don't say we didn't warn you."
6.
U.S. to Enforce Rules for Mail to Canada
Up until now it's just been a free-for-all.
7.
Humans May Need Fewer Genes Than Thought
Propose starting new elimination program with Gene Keady. Expect a tough fight.
8.
Adjustable Desks Help Productivity, Muscle Pain
Hide unsightly erections.
9.
Strontium Drug Reduces Fractures in Elderly Women
Makes them glow in the dark.
10.
Kerry Looks to Avoid Gore Recount Errors
Enlisting The Count to avoid skipping the number 6.

10 at 10

1. Crash site to host memorial
Tremendous cost savings when you don't have to transport wreckage, remains.

2. Ex-Officer Admits to Robberies
Speeded-up black and white film reveals him chasing self around to to barrelhouse piano music.

3. Lebanese PM Resigns, Dissolves Cabinet
Disgruntled official throws sulfuric acid on his hanging files before leaving.

4. Pakistani Forces Hunt for Militant Chief
Find 300' Apache Chief, which was not very hard at all.

5. Harrah's Posts Higher Quarterly Earnings
For some reason, these freakishly upbeat guys always post positive results

6. Convicted Ore. Cave Looter Faces Charges
Local Sherriff:"tell your 'it belongs in a museum' crap to the judge"

7. Flu Vaccine in January Could Be Too Late
At that point, we will WANT to get the flu

8. Feds Mum on Pre-Election Terror Threat
Waiting to see if latest polling suggests Kerry surge

9. Company Offers Space Memorial Services
Residents of quickly-filling-up Genesis planet cursing, shaking their fists at us

10. U.S. Squeezes Out a Few Million More Flu Vaccines
Rolls enormous tube up from bottom

Nine at nine.

1.
Bush, Kerry to Visit Critical Iowa Today
Expect to hear 'You Suck!' pretty much wherever they go.
2.
Storms Flood Tenn. Just As Tornados Leave
Scheduling conflicts make it tough to get these two 'forces of nature' together.
3.
Whirlpool Reduces Its Earnings Forecast
Can only mean good things for Scylla.
4.
A-Rod Called Out in Strange Running Play
$25M a year and he runs like a girl.
5.
Scientists Call for Cod Fishing Ban, Industry Angry
And you won't like them when they're angry.
6.
South Korea to Pick Country's First 2 Astronauts
At random.
7.
Overweight People Struggle to Exercise
Overweight people everywhere stunned.
8.
'Sizzler' Inspections Sought; 1 Man Killed
'Twizzler' inspections reveal strawberry goodness.
9.
Coast Guard Hobbled by Work, Deterioration
Would be far more effective without work.

Blovi 8

1.
Olsen Twin Can't Avoid Media Spotlight
Too scrawny to cast a shadow.
2.
Gay Marriage Plays Quiet Role in Mass.
Unless you live in the apartment next door.
3.
Convicted Ore. Cave Looter Faces Charges
Apartment filled with both stalagtites AND stalagmites.
4.
Kidnappers Seize Charity Chief in Baghdad
Apache Chief distraught. Unable to muster strength to say eenokchok.
5.
Tennessee's Johnson Suspended for Gun
Gun suspended from johnson.
6.
Bush Blames Defect for Flu Shot Shortage
Blames sun for heat.
7.
Scientist Envisions Small-Scale Hydropower
Plan to harness the power of Mighty Tom's unintentional spitting.
8.
Slow-Breathing Device Helps Lower Blood Pressure
Makes you want to bury yourself in mud at the bottom of the nearest stream.

Barbitu8

1. Ford Posts Profit But Loses Money in Cars
Headline writer thoughtful enough to note that Ford involved in car business

2. Greenspan Tries to Soothe Housing Worries
Massages them with toothless gums

3. Iran Given Last Chance to Halt Uranium Enrichment
Defiant country steps up orders of calcium, Vitamin B12

4. Wild Parakeets Splash Color on Seattle's Gray Skies
And absence of color on Seattle's Gray Sidewalks

5. Texas Instruments Plans $300M Investment
Execs emerge from strategy meeting convinced world is ripe for another calculator craze

6. Animal welfare group challenges Japanese whaling in Australian sanctuary
Scores of Aussie parishioners slaughtered for valuable, blubbery innards

7. Cockpit recorder from crashed cargo jet too damaged to be of use
Now THAT's a crash!

8. Accused forger tries to fake an escape
The fact that he forged a pair of carbon-steel wire cutters only makes things worse for him

Procrastin 8

1.
Powell: U.S. doing all it can in Iraq
"So get off, beeeyatch!"
2.
Study: Recession Widened Racial Wealth Gap
No explanation given for Macial Tooth Gap.
3.
Fla. Senate Candidates Have Opposing Views
A novel idea.
4.
Microscopic Diamond Found in Montana
Searching for needles in a haystack not seen as challenging enough anymore.
5.
Japan 2005 Expo to Display Frozen Mammoth
Serve sushi - on a stick.
6.
Scam Artists Pose As Utility Repairmen
Identified as 'that pesky shark'
7.
Balloon Crash Changes Pilot's View On Life
To one where he sees everything through his legs.
8.
Mighty Godzilla Conquers Academia
Despite large brains, really weren't much of a challenge for giant beast.

Grrrrrrrrr 8

1.
Wash. Voters to Wrestle With Waste Measure
The eternal question: how to get 2 tons of manure in a 1 ton truck.
2.
East Ky. Becomes Big Draw for Off-Roaders
Strongly urged not to leave the path.
3.
Central Ark. Storms Cause Extensive Damage
Just won NCAA Division 3 championship.
4.
Gay Marriage Issue Motivates Conservatives
Haven't had a good group to persecute for a generation.
5.
Plane Evacuated in N.D. for Bomb Scare
Not just the plane was evacuated.
6.
Australia to Relocate Embassy in Baghdad
Considering Hawaii.
7.
Cheney Blames Flu Crisis on Lawsuit Worries
Proving once again logic has no place in that twisted evil mind.
8.
Polls Put Bush on the Edge
Polls should push him off.

The Headline Nine

1. Kerry Seeks to Connect to Blacks
Freakishly tall presidential candidate constructing skyway from his knee to downtown Waterloo department store

2. AP: Bush Faults Kerry for Scare Tactics
Kerry made sound of school bell during last debate

3. Rio Grande Artifacts May Yield New Clues
Yellow Coyote did it with stone candlestick on the mesa.

4. Wrongly imprisoned deserve much more than bus fare
Also given free passes for the Super Computer Sale.

5. Delphi Posts $114M Loss, Maintains Outlook
Despite Own Misfortune, Takes Time to predict rough going for crew of Odysseus

6. Spain Seizes More Weapons From Separatists
Sudden raid on Battle Droid Armory explains Spain's recent massive acquisitions of white body armor, as well as eerie hispanic look of storm trooper clones

7. Bush and Kerry Address Voters' Anxieties on Stump
Stump used by Kerry to illustrate Bush's "Healthy Forests Initiative"

8. Crucial Florida Vote May Hinge On Burgeoning Latino Population
And how fast computer voting machines can churn out believable names of made-up Republican Latinos

9. Suburbs' grass isn't always greener
In some instances, Chem Lawn has not yet made a visit; or maybe the sprinkler system is on the fritz