Seven dwarves

1.
Mel Gibson Puts Passion Into TV Sitcom
Jesus, only months from retirement, gets teamed with unstable Roman centurion - hilarity ensues.
2.
Two Climbers Killed by Sierra Storm
Kicked up version of Sierra Mist too extreme.
3.
Groups Call for Global Warming Control
Plan to install big fucking thermostat in Algeria.
4.
Court: Whales Have No Standing to Sue
Without legs, this should have been obvious.
5.
Flu panic: Seniors told to be patient
Almost dead already.
6.
Ex-waitress's record could be cleared
Consistently late for coffee refills.
7.
2 dead, 2 injured in 5-car pile-up
Driverless car suspected.