The Headline Nine

1. Kerry Seeks to Connect to Blacks
Freakishly tall presidential candidate constructing skyway from his knee to downtown Waterloo department store

2. AP: Bush Faults Kerry for Scare Tactics
Kerry made sound of school bell during last debate

3. Rio Grande Artifacts May Yield New Clues
Yellow Coyote did it with stone candlestick on the mesa.

4. Wrongly imprisoned deserve much more than bus fare
Also given free passes for the Super Computer Sale.

5. Delphi Posts $114M Loss, Maintains Outlook
Despite Own Misfortune, Takes Time to predict rough going for crew of Odysseus

6. Spain Seizes More Weapons From Separatists
Sudden raid on Battle Droid Armory explains Spain's recent massive acquisitions of white body armor, as well as eerie hispanic look of storm trooper clones

7. Bush and Kerry Address Voters' Anxieties on Stump
Stump used by Kerry to illustrate Bush's "Healthy Forests Initiative"

8. Crucial Florida Vote May Hinge On Burgeoning Latino Population
And how fast computer voting machines can churn out believable names of made-up Republican Latinos

9. Suburbs' grass isn't always greener
In some instances, Chem Lawn has not yet made a visit; or maybe the sprinkler system is on the fritz