A Heavenly Seven

1. Austria Honors Anti-Hitler Plotter
Courageous device produced stacks of insulting 34" x 44" caricatures

2. Titans Rout Packers 48-27 at Lambeau
Beer purchased for celebrations down. Beer purchased for drowing sorrows up. Beer sales steady.

3. Gasquet Upset Winner in France
Won despite broken gasquet in Puegot.

4. Seven Die in Japan 'Internet Suicide' Pact
Party beats shit out of one another in multiplayer version of Baldurs Gate II: Shadows of Amn

5. Pioneering NASA Engineer Max Faget Dead at 83
Growing up, science-loving Faget was possibly most-most-made-fun-of kid in history of world.

6. Officials Say Sea Turtles Declining
Sea Turtles had been asked try Sunny Delight

7. Congress Wraps Up Work With Rancor
Threw last of terror suspects down to enormous, phlegmly beast