Decameter

1. Object Prompts Miss. Airport Evacuation
Annoying young woman loves to run around telling everyone to leave airports.

2. Stern Vows He'll Rise Above FCC
ELO vows they'll rise above Peoria, IL amphitheater

3. Magic: Hill to play four positions
In effort to earn salary received over past four injury-riddled seasons.

4. Lions land first Class of 2009 basketball recruit
Mask ripped off head coach to reveal none other than Mike Krzyzewski

5. Hunter Indicted in Calif. Wildfire
Match inadvertantly dropped into dry, crackly remains of Fred Dryer's career

6. Pope Replaces Bishop in Porn Scandal
Feeble old man physically unable to close papal robes which had blown open in the wind.

7. EU Move Prompts Discussions About Turkey
African Union Move Prompts Discussions About Beef

8. Music Industry Group Launches Piracy Suits
Come complete with bandana, puffy pants, eye patch.

9. Mount St. Helens' Crater Floor Rising
"Is it just me, or is the earth....rising?"

10. Toy-Related Lead Poisoning Points to Hidden Danger
Large lumps of exposed lead in toys.