Sunday Evening Nine

1. SpaceShipOne a Flight Away From $10M Prize
A mere $360M flight away, to be specific.

2. As Reservoirs Recede, Fears of a Water Shortage Rise
Shortsighted idiots peer anxiously over wall of dam.

3. Gadget speaks witnesses' language
Fedora pops off, extendo arm bearing Chinese-English dictionary emerges.

4. Teen runs to give voters a choice
Between one candidate that can legally hold office, and one that can't.

5. Ostertag out 4-6 weeks after breaking hand
Meathead without meathook.

6. Pope Beatifies Emperor, Nun, Three Others
More nervous shuffling amongst the ranks of high-ranking priests as a result of this latest madness by senile old man. Palpatine, Julie Andrews, Fat Boys left to consider new Sainthood.

7. UN transfers war crimes case to Serbian court: Del Ponte
Then tranfers illegal migrant worker case to Ecuadorian court: Del Monte

8. Two-thirds of Russian prisoners seriously ill: official
And at least four-fifths of them bear striking resemblence to Larry Mullen, Jr.

9. Iraqis Flee Fighting in Samarra by River Boats
Japanese humanitarian organization to supply "Flee Advisors"