Eight Days a Week

1. 7-Eleven Adopting Wireless Technology
Armed gunmen now allowed to transfer contents of cash drawer directly to checking account via cell phone

2. Monster Says It Could Enter Japan by Mid-2005
PM Koizumi urges residents: "It's never too early to flee"

3. U.S.-Born 'Enemy Combatant' Flown Home to Saudi
Leader of rebel faction, Quattro, to return to arab host body

4. Oil Extends Record Run, Brent Over $50
Oil magnates' success causes their favorite male prostitute to finally raise rates.

5. Indian Specialist Shot Dead in Brazil
Make rookie mistake: overlooked arrows

6. Terrorism Escalates Worldwide
Evildoers find a way around Department of Homeland Securities' recent attention to stairways, elevators.

7. Sharon Vows Parliament Vote on Gaza Plan on Oct. 25
Vote to inevitably return result: "Not funky in the least"

8. Dollar perks up from Friday's jobs slump
Outline of George Washington's nipples evident through Revolutionary War-era waistcoat