Managing to eek out 9

1. U.S. Pounds Fallujah As Ramadan Begins
Gus pounds fajitas in Ramada Inn.

2. Kerry Says Bush Plan Could Lead to Draft
As did most of his plans in college

3. Iraq bombing hits home
Very, very bad aim

4. Heat: O'Neal bothered by bad hammy
Team doctors suspect Dennys' "Moons Over My Hammy"

5. Karzai Far Ahead of Rivals in Early Tally
Marsha, Jan Brady pulling in 4% and 2% of the vote, respectively

6. Peacekeepers Roll Through Haitian Capital
Newly self-appointed Emperor of UN "can't believe how easy this is!"

7. Cleric Charged in Jakarta Hotel Attack
Evidence overwhelming, what with the zombies that kept sucker punching people incapacitated by clouds of insects.

8. Peru Seeks Fujimori Extradition From Japan
Calls upon lawyer, Pokemon.

7. Group Following Lewis, Clark Heads to N.D.
Run into traffic jam from 218 other groups retracnig Lewis & Clark expedition

8. Retail Sales Jump But Oil Saps Confidence
Mario jumps, but continued rolling barrels of oil saps confidence.

9. Greenspan says oil price agony milder than in 1970s
Joins Pope for record-setting "Slowest 3-Legged Race Ever" attempt