Waste Ten time.

1. U.S. Retains Controversial Trucker Rule
Faster sports-type car to always run interference when moonshining.
2. Hip-Hop Researcher Called in Rap Case
After years of toiling in obscurity, not ready for spotlight.
3. Shooting Suspects to Return to Tenn.
Trials are expensive, bullets are cheap.
4. 3 Hurt in Another Guatemalan Prison Riot
Not ANOTHER Guatemalan prison riot!
5. Boston to Gauge Stones' Decibel Level
With their hearing aids turned down things can get out of hand.
6. Serious IE Flaw Found
In the most comprehensive case of 'if you can't beat them, join them' in history, Microsoft declares itself a virus.
7. Bush Plans Sept. 11 Reminders
Plans to remind Americans how afraid they should be.
8. Black Boxes May Solve Crash Mysteries
May just hold pilot's lunch.
9. Reagan Files Paint Court Nominee as a Watchdog
Work from the Hyper-realist school shows Roberts curled up on rug next to the Oval Office door.
10. Democrats struggle to find chinks in Roberts's armor
Should be looking for undocumented Mexicans in his personal staff.

Ten Years Old

1. Reilly Warns Stones Fans About Ticket Purchases
The elderly most at risk of fraud.
2. Bodies of Four People Found in Utah Cave
News, or premoniton of future events?
3. CBS News Asks Interns to Develop Ideas
'But first, get me some coffee.'
4. Hip-hop star drops P., declares 'age of Diddy'
Righteous neighbor declares 'age of diddly'.
5. Bilbo Ready to Shine for Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech recently purchased by consortium of dwarves.
6. Game makers aim for new users at Europe games fair
Trying to lure Eurpoean youth away from smoking/drinking.
7. Wireless Technology Explodes in Middle East and Africa
Middle East suffers no shortage of explosions.
8. Bush Reads About Salt, Flu While in Texas
Brushing up on likely apocalyptic plagues.
9. Documents Show Roberts' Conservative Side
Including receipt for soul sold to 'The Dark One'
10. Intelligent Design and Evolution at the White House
Damn little of either.

Marshalls, Spies, and Niners

1. President Bush to Visit Idaho Next Week

Seeks out last remaining state where his approval rating tops 50%.

2. TV Show Host Scarborough Weighs Senate Bid

Long-time apologist for those who wallow in crapulence, questionable ethics, can no longer resist getting in on piece of the action.

3. Community-Based Homes Seem to Help Addicts

Often able to find "connection" without having to leave front door.

4. Park Service Director Still Traveling

Flipped out, still "going the distance"

5. Roberts' Indiana Upbringing Is Studied

Cited as possible source of yellowed teeth, unholy Hoosier alleigance.

6. Israel to rescue cats, dogs from Gaza settlements

Growling and hissing beasts refusing to go anywhere.

7. World running out of time for oil alternatives

US Department of Energy cities eventual implosion of our sun, and subsequent wind-depleted, atmosphere-less Earth as disincentives to further explore those technologies.

8. Research Ties Arsenic to Tumor Growth

Those who consume rat-poison could potentially develop life-threatening tumors.

9. Could That Lump Be a Hernia?

Or are you just hapy to see me?

Thursdeights

1. Border Troubles Divide U.S., States
Border itself divides countries, states, counties, provinces, autonomous regions, you name it.
2. Two Chicago Cops Charged With Battery
Keep on going and going....
3. Barnes & Noble Profit Rises 55 Percent
Praying that JK Rowling will release another Harry Potter in the 3rd quarter.
4. New Vehicle Roof Crush Standard Expected
Would render most action finales of A-Team moot.
5. Fiddling in Feakle: Irish music is cool in Clare
Fiddling with fecal: not cool anywhere.
6. Israeli Forces Storm Gaza Strip Synagogue
On days off storm Gaza strip club.
7. 'Best Of' Albums Not So Great These Days
Sentimental fog obscures fact that greatest hits albums have almost always sucked.
8. LeBron: I Never Authorized Documentary
'I never even touched that bitch.'

Wednesdeights

1. Man accused of stabbing his mail-order bride to death
Completely disregarded 'FRAGILE' and 'OPEN CAREFULLY' messages on box.
2. Judge: Breakaway Church Belongs to Parish
Parish begins search for missing church.
3. Young Catholics may prove a tough crowd for Pope
'Two Jew walks into a bar' jokes seen as too old school.
4. Chinese defector in Australia says hit squad sent to kill him
Actually sent to DJ his cousin's wedding.
5. Seafaring tales never sounded so good...
As when told by a campfire in the depths of winter. Beware the ending.
6. Air Safety Abroad Not Always to U.S. Level
People wandering the aisles armed with fingernail clippers.
7. Study Details Bar at Center of Milky Way
A haven of scum and villainy.
8. Robotic Weight-Loss Surgery Passes Test
Raises questions about the wisdom in building fat robots.

TENsion Headache

1. Thousands Blacked Out Across Northeast
After unprecedented weekend of debauchery.
2. Don't Get Crushed by Your Home
Keep all walls where they were when you found them.
3. SEC Warns Goodyear of Possible Action
"Dude, that chick's giving you the eye!"
4. Four held under anti-terror law
Giant, incomprehensible tome good for something.
5. Wolves Waive Hoiberg for Luxury-Tax Relief
The Mayor looks for a new town to call his own.
6. Roberts Once Wrote of 'Abortion Tragedy'
As part of poem written in junior high.
7. Babies Caught Up in 'No-Fly' Confusion
Don't undestand that diapers aren't suppose to allow that kind of access.
8. Study: Pain Neurons Respond to Garlic
Vampires left out of medical advancements once again.
9. Computer-Related Repetitive Stress Injuries
Masturbation tops the list.
10. Older adults often don't get the care they need
Boring and repetitive stories drive caregivers away.