I don't want to eight

1.
James Brown Diagnosed With Prostate Cancer
He felt - good.
2.
Maoist Rebels Bomb Kathmandu for Second Day, 4 Hurt
Bob Seger reconsidering travel plans.
3.
Jagger, Richards Sizzling in Paris Studio
George Foreman brought his grill over.
4.
Yahoo Adding Tool to Search Hard Drives
Screwdriver.
5.
GPS Used to Track Teens' Driving
Instead of going to the mall as promised, smuggling immigrants.
6.
Food Running Low Aboard Space Station
Astronauts look at one another - see food.
7.
FDA Says Heart Warning Added to Pfizer's Bextra
B added also.
8.
Surgery Can Enlarge Very Small Penises
As can vigorous rubbing.

6 for now - more later - if you're lucky.

1.
Treasury Secretary Is Asked to Stay
....stay........stay......
2.
Army Emphasizes Convoy Training for Iraq
Round the clock showing of Smokey and the Bandit implemented.
3.
Steve Guttenberg Loves Christmas Role
Since 1986, loves ANY role.
4.
No. 10 Kentucky Drubs Morehead St. 71-40
The only thing surprising was the use of the word drub.
5.
Thais to Perform First Live Sex Change Operation
Previously only done with 7 second delay.
6.
Laptops May Threaten Male Fertility
Lap dances have a positive effect.

nina pinta and santa maria!

1. Pope Keeps Up Tradition of Spanish Steps
Dignitaries have tumbled down these stairs each of last 100 years.

2. European Union, China Agree to Boost Ties
China agrees to deliver printing press, spices, and fireworks. Europe agrees to deliver bubonic plague, dysentary.

3. Ind. Man Trampled to Death by Wildebeest
Dangers of being unqualified zookeeper far exceed those of being unqualified schoolteacher.

4. U.N. Opens Forum on Tolerance to Muslims
Muslims apparently not been allowed previously at the Forum on Tolerance.

5. Bush's goals still big, bold
Inspired by successful Risk session when he was 13.

6. Tauzin Concedes to Melancon in La. Race
Once his opponent took to preceding his name with "John Cougar," he didn't stand a chance.

7. A National Pledge of Party Allegiance
Complete with signatures of founding fathers Mike Bushby, Randy Rattenborg.

8. Obesity Among Low-Income Kids on the Rise
Faced with starvation, beginning to eat one another.

9. Smoking is bad for your brain: study
There's a great chicken-and-the-egg scenario if there ever was one.

7 in the number

1.
Bush Asks Americans to Support Soldiers
Isolated motorcade rides keep Bush out of touch with the average American's ribbon festooned bumper.
2.
Child Advocates Win $27M Calif. Lottery
Winners admit to never liking children.
3.
Official Downplays Navy SEAL Photographs
The Girls of Special Ops on newstands now.
4.
Desly International Recalls Marshmallows
Way too much mallow.
5.
U.S. Firmly Anti-Kyoto as U.N. Climate Talks Start
Wishes they chosen it over Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
6.
Goodall Says Environment at 'Crossroads'
Picking up some slacks at Penneys
7.
Kinks Seen in Theft of Saturn's Ring Material
Desperate for moment in spotlight 20 years after success of Come Dancing.

Bert BlyEleven

1. Rams: Martin signed as emergency quarterback
Martin cinches up wristbands and hops first plane from Kittrell to St. Louis.

2. Stabbing Occurs at D.C. Agency Building
Continued rendering of his favorite heroes with extra two sets of abdominal muscles finally drives fan over edge.

3. U.S. Students Behind in Math, Tests Show
However, since Americans are adding up the scores, we aren't sure exactly how far behind.

4. Judge: Prison Abuse Jury Pool Not Tainted
But way, way too small for it to keep turning out these "sequester babies"

5. Europe raises pressure on US to prop up dollar
Recommends limited edition re-printing of the George Washington Boner-Bill.

6. Rite Aid Shares Tumble
Kool-Aid Man Suspected

7. Bill Clinton Helps Launch Search Engine
Touts that you won't be using THIS one from your work comptuer...

8. Review: Sunglasses Player Not a Bargain
Particularly from the perspective of a reviewer who keeps crushing sunglasses in an attempt to play them on Discman.

9. NASA Seeks Methods to Repair Shuttles in Flight
Experimenting with giant, steel-jawed mutants.

10. Earliest Signs of Winemaking Found in China
Eariest Signs of Lovemaking Found In Apartment

11. Icelandic Tin Bath Could Give Earthquake Warnings
If bath fills with rubble, you just experienced an earthquake.

9 - Want More? Too bad.

1.
Source: Jackson Gives DNA Sample to Police
Tears off poorly attached chunk of himself. Slams it on desk.
2.
Eric Rudolph Defense Questions Sketch
Sketch, while evocative, had nothing to say.
3.
Calif. Bishop 'At Peace' After Settlement
Years of lying, reprehensible actions atoned for with transfer of cash.
4.
Habitat for Humanity Founder Pushed Aside
In scramble to get on crowded subway, not a time to think of others first.
5.
Report: Tanker in Oil Spill Hit Hazard
Them Duke boys must be involved.
6.
Generation Raised With Internet Grows Up
Begins masturabting.
7.
Analysis: Bush Honeymoon May Not Last Long
Not nearly as long as his vacations.
8.
Bush Downplays Thompson's Terror Worries
Motioning with thumb says, "what the hell does he know?"
9.
Breeding Captive Elephants Is Difficult
Step ladders often knocked down by elephant at critical moment.