Slow Five + a bonus

1.
Creator of 'Brenda Starr' Dies at Age 98
Funniest thing she's ever done.
2.
Mexico City Mayor Stripped of Immunity
Now deathly afraid of people who sneeze and cough.
3.
49ers Coach Whittles Draft List to Four
Pile of wood chips growing.
4.
Software Helps Track Child Pornographers
Internet Explorer and Mozilla.
5.
Democrats Try to Build Case Against Bolton
Soulful crooner sucks, but is that enough to have him killed?
6.
An Old U.S. Foe Rises Again in Iraq
Sitting Bull encamped outside Falujah,

8 Night Headlines

1. Pilgrims Flood Rome for Pope's Funeral
Find it easier to get there in Nina, Pinta, & Santa Maria.

2. Saddam Sees Kurd Elected As President
4 Months After Everyone Else Sees Turd Elected as President

3. Anna's Accused Stalker Unfit
Stalks only in areas of city where he can navigate his Little Rascal.

4. In Mexico, burying soldiers killed in a U.S. war
Tragic Results of "Army of Juan" Campaign

5. Dell CEO Denies Growth Decline
Vows to Never let E.M Escher Prepare Visual Aids for Board Meetings Again

6. Experts: Fossil Apparently Human Ancestor
Millions of Years Ago, Our Forefathers Roamed the Earth as Crumbly, Calcified Femurs.

7. Lab Uses X-Ray to Study Nuclear Explosions
Researcher Extra Careful in Laying Lead-Lined Cover Across His Crank

8. U.S. Focusing on Disease Spread Through Air Travel
Offers Free Screenings for Those Wishing to Enter "Mile High Club"

Seben

1.
A 3rd DeLay Trip Under Scrutiny
The Washington Post is reporting that Rep. Delay (R-TX) doesn't go to the bathroom without money from lobbyists.
2.
Rome Bursting At Seams With Mourners
River of tears threatens city's infrastructure.
3.
Fireproofing Eyed in Trade Center Collapse
Collision with 737 seen as incidental. "That mother was just waiting to fall."
4.
Greenspan Wants Portfolio Size Limits
At his age he just can't lift what he used to.
5.
Stocks Rise, Oil Slips, Chips Upgraded
After surviving near calamity in condiment aisle, and discovering an abundance of all types, opt for Tostitos rather than store brand.
6.
Ethiopia Plans to Expand Internet Access
www.beefitswhatsfordinner.com the most popular.
7.
Roche Drug Helps in Hard-To-Treat Arthritis
Roach clip helps with hard to hold doobies.

Twelve Too Far, Too Deep

1. Cardinals Meet to Prepare for Papal Vote
Things looking up for dark horse Ozzy Smith.

2. Four GIs Killed in Attacks Across Iraq
Three enlisted men and a mysterious special operative known only as "Snake Eyes"

3. Beijing Tells Vatican Not to 'Interfere'
They can keep peasent masses supressed just fine on their own.

4. Kyrgyz Parliament Fails to Reach Quorum
Faction of Trident-Wielders and Guardians of Sacred Giant Clam Shell said to be last-minute holdouts

5. Rain Causes Delaware River to Overflow
Descendent of our George Washington crosses river in shopping cart

6. Castro Praises Pope for Backing Peace
Castral Praises Pope for Riding in Limo

7. Chain Store Sales Fall Last Week of March
Chain Smoker Falls During Last Few Feet of March

8. Tim McGraw Named Spokesperson For Red Cross Blood Drive
To kick off "Red-Blooded American" Donation Campaign.

9. Howard Dean to Speak to Ark. Democrats
Meeting planned in room 218 of Little Rock Super 8.

10. New Cotton Fabric May Absorb Toxins
It is Mixdorf's underwear.

11. Experts Find 41 Saltworks Used by Mayans
Unearth skeletel remains of3,600-year old Mr. Peanut.

12. NASA Turns to Mexican Lake for Clues to Alien Life
Search for earthbound "illegal aliens" much cheaper